Malaysia

Apr. 30th, 2018 12:08 pm

Visiting Southeast Asia has always been on my bucket list. Fanatsizing about going maybe someday was easy; but I’ve never had the courage and initiative to start making it happen. So when Inna agreed to a (minimum) six-month work assignment in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia), I had to make the most of the opportunity and visit her there. And so the trip was planned.

In the end, I wound up going for two weeks in the middle of March, spending four days in Malaysia, three days in Singapore, three more days in Thailand, and the equivalent of four full days flying there and back.

This post covers those travel days and my time in Malaysia. It’s the wrapper story that surrounds followup posts about the weekends we spent in Singapore (here) and Thailand here, which warranted their own separate writeups. Doing that splits my trip report into three digestible, reader-friendly sections, and lets me organize and post more photos from each of those adventures.

But first things first: Malaysia!

Wednesday, 14 March 2018

Kicked off the trip with two Facebook status updates. Since I’d be spending all of 3-14 (aka Pi Day) flying, I made a universally underappreciated comment about spending “pi in the sky”. But I also dredged up a pertinent quotation from Led Zeppelin’s classic “Ramble On”:

Now’s the time, the time is now to sing my song.
I’m goin’ round the world—I got to find my girl.
On my way…

With Inna at Suria & Petronas Towers

With Inna at Suria Mall & Petronas Towers

Petronas Tower from Somerset Roof Pool

Selfie at Somerset Roof Pool with Petronas Tower

Petronas Tower from Somerset Ampang

Petronas Tower from Somerset Ampang

Somerset Ampang from Petronas Towers

Somerset Ampang Roof Pool from Petronas Tower

Petronas Towers

Petronas Towers from KLCC

Petronas Towers

Petronas Towers from KLCC

Petronas Tower 1 Top

Petronas Tower 1 Top from Tower 2

Kuala Lumpur Panorama

Big Kuala Lumpur Panorama

Full Malaysia Photoset

The drive to Pittsburgh’s airport was uneventful other than dealing with freezing temperatures and snow showers. My flight to Chicago’s O’Hare was delayed half an hour due to a broken headset and the need for de-icing. On our final approach to O’Hare, we flew for miles next to another jet that landed seconds before us on a parallel runway. Conveniently, my flight from Chicago to Tokyo had also been delayed 40 minutes because the plane hadn’t arrived.

It’s funny how much can transpire on a 13-hour flight. I stayed awake in order to sync my sleep pattern up with Kuala Lumpur, which is exactly 12 hours off from Pittsburgh time. I kept an eye out for aurorae, which were active following a solar storm, but I saw none. Flying All-Nippon Airways (ANA), I tried the Japanese version of curried rice for the first time, and cold noodles in a light sauce. I had a brief scare when I lost my reading glasses on the floor in a fully-darkened cabin. But the highlight of the flight was getting a fabulous nighttime shot of the lights of snow- and ice-bound Nome, Alaska from 34,000 feet.

Jumping the Date Line requires a new timestamp, so:

Thursday, 15 March 2018

After doing the Date Line time warp, I arrived in Tokyo late Thursday night. It was my second time in Asia, and the first since a work assignment in Seoul in 2008. Back then, my connections were also in Tokyo, although this transfer was at Haneda, rather than Narita. I arrived to lots of Facebook Likes and a welcome exchange of messages with Inna.

It was an easy process—but a long walk—to my next gate, where I charged my devices and did a little exploring. My most noteworthy observation: to alert oblivious pedestrians that something’s behind them, instead of mechanistic beeping, the little terminal golf-carts at Haneda play the tune of Disney’s “Heigh-Ho” song from Snow White.

My third flight of the “day” took off just after midnight, which means another date stamp:

Friday, 16 March 2018

Another eight uncomfortable hours in flight.

Having gone sleepless for more than 40 hours, I was unhappy and barely functional. One highlight was flying over the Philippine island of Palawan, although I was on the wrong side of the plane to see it.

At the end of my three-day flying ordeal, we finally approached Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA). But as we were about to touch down, the pilot gunned the engines, climbed, and performed a complete go-around for another try at landing. I couldn’t make out the explanation they offered, but I think they mentioned the control tower. Kind of disconcerting.

After de-planing, the first stop was customs and immigration, where I garnered my first “cheese”: our shorthand term for the reward at the end of the long lines. One of my goals for this trip was to accrue some new passport stamps to join the lonely one from Mexico back in 2010 before my current passport expires. Happily, I received a Malaysian entry stamp, then found my luggage, bought me some Malaysian ringgits and a prepaid taxi voucher, and hopped a cab.

Obviously, Malaysia is a foreign place to me, and it’s also a Muslim country, so I was primed for things to be different. This was most apparent when I noted that every announcement over the airport PA ended with the phrase: “… and have a Happy Jenni”. I was surprised that I’d apparently landed in the middle of some kind of major holiday, whatever “Jenni” was. But eventually Inna and I figured out that it was just an odd pronunciation of what they were really saying: “Have a happy journey”!

That was followed by an hour-long taxi ride from the suburban airport to the heart of KL’s business district and Inna’s hotel: the Somerset Ampang. After leaving a snowy Pittsburgh, I reveled in the humid, tropical heat and the sight of lush hills full of palm trees. Having landed at 7am Friday morning, Inna had just begun her normal workday, so after getting into her empty suite I unpacked, tested out the roof pool on the 22nd floor, then enjoyed a long-anticipated shower. From the pool, I could see one of KL’s two Petronas Towers, knowing my baby was working right over there, on the 75th floor.

Having worked a half day, Inna came home around 4pm. It was the first time I’d seen her in two months, and it was a nice reunion, although by then I was staggering due to sleep deprivation. She kindly guided me through dinner (teriyaki chicken) at the hotel restaurant (Souled Out). After 50 hours without sleep, I finally collapsed into bed, while Inna stayed up and conscientiously booked our last-minute flights and hotel in Singapore. I’m grateful for her help, because I was in no condition to execute, and without her diligence, my trip would have been a lot less eventful and memorable.

The next morning, less than 24 hours after I landed, I was back at KLIA where Inna and I hopped another flight to Singapore. We explored the town on Sunday and returned to KL Monday night. We had an amazing time, but the events of that side trip will all be related in a separate blog post devoted to that weekend in Singapore.


Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Having returned to Kuala Lumpur Monday night from our long weekend in Singapore, Tuesday morning Inna returned to work at her office in the Petronas Towers. While she engaged in a regular work week, I had the rest of the weekdays to myself.

After spending two days flying to Asia, followed by the weekend’s side trip, I was still exhausted. My Tuesday plan was to relax all morning, catch up on my email and web reading, and hit a grocery to get some foodstuffs.

In what would become my daily ritual, I went up to the roof pool around 10am for a leisurely swim and some early sunbeams, then came back down to shower. Although on Tuesday I tried out Inna’s window-side jumbo-size tub, which I mostly fit into. In the afternoon, I scampered across a major intersection to the nearest grocery-esque store and stocked up on fluids and snack foods, including a knockoff-brand Pringles potato chip in “green curry” flavor… not recommended!

After work, Inna took me to Pavilion, one of KL’s many malls, to have dinner at Wild Honey, her favorite breakfast place (yup, pancakes and sausages for dinner), then ice cream at Baskin Robbins, and an interesting dollar store called Daiso Japan. While I enjoyed the shopping, that part of KL is all huge malls populated with international luxury brands, and I’d hoped for something with more local flavor.

We were back home and in bed before the equinox hit at 15 minutes past midnight.

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

Wednesday was accidentally another rest day. After seeing Inna off, I had my swim and did more catching up online. While I was enjoying 90-degree Equatorial warmth, Pittsburgh had received ten inches of snow, with temperatures in the 20s and 30s: far below climate normals for late March. So sad!

I planned to hop a 2pm shuttle, do some more shopping, and then visit Inna at work, but she let me know that she was going to be working in a locked room, isolated and without communication, until at least 5:30pm, so at the last minute I decided to punt. In the end, I just hung around the hotel, relaxing.

Although I’d originally hoped to catch the Tour de Langkawi—a professional bike race—the following weekend, Inna counter-proposed flying to Thailand and playing with tigers, something she’d discovered from a coworker. It was ridiculous how stoked she was about playing with big cats, and I definitely wanted to share that experience with her. So later that evening Inna booked our tickets for Phuket. We were both very excited.

Thursday, 22 March 2018

The next morning, in addition to my obligatory morning swim and sun, I did a load of laundry. It was my first time using a combined washer-dryer unit, and it was fine, other than the inconvenient 5-hour cycle time.

Hoping to execute my aborted plan from the day before, I grabbed my dSLR and walked through the KLCC Park that stood between our hotel and the Petronas Towers. I took my time, finding ample places to compose photos of the iconic buildings.

Of course, there’s a mall (called Suriya) at the foot of the towers, so I made my way to my shopping target: a Japanese bookstore called Kinokuniya. I browsed the cycling and extensive manga collections, but in the end I gravitated toward the section on Buddhism. I found many familiar books on vipassana by authors that included my teacher Larry Rosenberg, Gil Fronsdal, Ajahn Brahm, Goenka-ji, Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, Sylvia Boorstein, Sharon Salzberg, Ajahn Sumedo, and others. In the end, I picked up three titles: “Bear Awareness: Questions and Answers on Taming Your Wild Mind” by favorite teacher Ajahn Brahm; “Vipassana Meditation as Taught by S. N. Goenka” by his student William Hart, and “Buddhist Ethics” by Hammalawa Saddhatissa.

After finding nothing else of interest in the mall, I met up with Inna, who got me free visitor access to the tower and took me up to her working space on the 75th floor (of 88). There I met several of her coworkers and clients, took a few panoramic photos of the KL skyline, and hung around until Inna was ready to leave.

From there, we had dinner at Ben’s, a restaurant in the Suriya mall, where I had yet another pasta carbonara. Despite Southeast Asia’s reputation as a culinary destination, I didn’t find anything special to recommend it. But the couch was comfy, and we had a nice view of the evening light show in the fountain between the towers and the park.

Inna’s coworkers pinged about going out for drinks, but, already eating, we demurred. However, on our way out of the mall, she spied a couple friends on the escalator. After we lost them on their descent, one of them (Freddy) tracked us down. He graciously took a couple photos of Inna and I in front of the fountain lights, and the three of us hung out for one round of drinks before he ambled off toward Jalan Petaling, one of KL’s Chinatowns, while Inna and I caught a quick cab home.

Friday, 23 March 2018

With more air travel scheduled for Saturday, I declared Friday another rest day. After my swim, I had lunch at the hotel restaurant, got a few hotel errands done, and tried to nap.

Inna went out with her coworkers after work, so I just hung out. When she finally came home, she stayed up late booking her flights for a May trip home, which will be followed by a family reunion in Florence, and then back to KL.

The next day we would hop a plane to continue our adventure with a long weekend in Phuket, again returning Monday evening. You can read about that side trip in my Thailand blogpost.


Tuesday, 27 March 2018

I had a mere 12 hours between returning to KL Monday night from our long weekend in Phuket, Thailand, and my departure flight back home the next morning.

I roused myself at 4am Tuesday to say goodbye to Inna, then slipped out into a rainy morning. After a long, characteristically pensive cab ride to KLIA, I quickly got through customs, acquired my third Malaysian exit visa stamp, hopped the Pittsburgh-like train between the landside and airside terminal buildings, and waited for my flight to Tokyo.

On board, I couldn’t sleep, and instead composed an email to Inna with thoughts about our visit. Seven hours later, landing this time at Narita airport, I was pleasantly surprised to see the runway lined with sakura: cherry trees in blossom, a favorite symbol of Japan. While waiting for my next flight, the Japanese televisions showed news reports about the progress of the cherry blossoms, rightfully a matter of national import.

Two hours later, while boarding my flight to O’Hare, my seatmates asked me if I would move to another row so they could co-parent their screaming progeny. Citing a 36-hour journey, I outright refused, unless they could provide me a window seat with a bulkhead I could lean against to sleep. Even for Buddhists, compassion for others is no more important than self-compassion. They eventually found someone who would switch; that person took only the aisle seat in my row, which left the middle seat unoccupied! What a blessing on a 12-hour flight!

I’d need every possible chance for sleep, because their breeding experiment wailed like an ambulance, accompanied by coughing fits from a handful of passengers who sounded 87 percent dead from tuberculosis. Unable to sleep, my fortitude was down to zero when we finally reached O’Hare.

In Chicago, I had to go through immigration and customs, re-check my bag, take a train between terminals, and pass through another security checkpoint. Fortunately, I had a three-hour layover, and managed it easily. I found myself dangerously wobbly and close to passing out, even after downing a small pizza. After more than 24 hours without sleep, I was back in the sleep deprivation zone, and desperately needed to get myself home and in bed.

Happily, the flight from Chicago to Pittsburgh was short and quiet, and my checked luggage was spat out onto the conveyor just as I approached the carousel. I dragged my bags out to the car, loaded myself up, and drove home to an enthusiastic reception from a very lonely—but something short of tiger-sized—cat.

Malaysia wasn’t quite what I expected. Before I left, my biggest concern was that Malaysia, as a strongly Muslim nation, complete with calls to prayer broadcast over loudspeakers, would feel extremely alien. But what I found was a surprisingly diverse, cosmopolitan society.

English might not be the primary language amongst Malays, but it’s present. They use the English alphabet, so (unlike Thailand) you can eventually learn Malay words by reading them. But if you rely on English, be aware that their spelling is idiosyncratic if not downright creative. You might figure out how to get to the universiti or a katedral or the sentral rail station. Or you can catch a bas or a teksi to the konvensyen center or the muzium of tekstil. Or relax at the rekreasi park or the golf kelab, which is in another seksyen of town. And make sure you ask for extra sos for your food.

Having found itself awash with oil money, Malaysia shows the inefficiencies of rapid growth, with a melange of modern high-rises displacing dilapidated and uninspired neighborhoods that had themselves only recently overtaken outright jungle. It’s an ethnically and economically segregated society, and what I saw of it—mostly downtown malls—lacked any connection to its history or locality.

To be fair though, I did a poor job exploring KL, lacking the time or motivation to venture beyond the bland, characterless malls and the immediate temptation of our hotel roof pool.

Epilogue

Having been through the details in this and subsequent blogposts, let’s take a step back and review the big picture.

I’m particularly challenged by international travel, or more properly not knowing the local language. That wasn’t a major factor, as there was plenty of English in use.

Despite that trepidation, I’m delighted to have added nine new pieces of “cheese” to my passport: three pairs of Malaysia entry and exit visas, another pair from Thailand, and an entry stamp (only) for Singapore. Plus two connections on the ground in Tokyo, as well. Great success!

Beyond that, I set new records for the farthest I’ve traveled south and west. I somehow survived ten flights totaling 22,000 miles and 50 hours in the air, plus uncounted hours of the usual airport runarounds. And despite all that travel, I happily didn’t contract any illnesses.

On the other hand, because I couldn’t sleep, each transcontinental flight amounted to staying awake for two consecutive all-nighters. Doing that twice in two weeks would be a major trial, even for someone half my age! Although I was nearly delirious due to sleep deprivation, not sleeping did make it easier to deal with jet lag, despite the 12-hour difference meaning daytime was suddenly night and nighttime suddenly was day.

Contrary to the warnings I was given, I found it much easier traveling east, because I got home in the evening and could immediately collapse in bed, whereas on my outbound trip, I had arrived at 7am and had a whole day ahead of me before I could (or should) go to sleep.

With only four days in KL, and three each in Singapore and Phuket, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t have the chance to do any biking, or visit more than one Buddhist vihara, and little local food or shopping. I’ve been spoiled by my trips to Scotland and St. Thomas, where I had weeks—if not months—to explore and get to know my destination, which I vastly prefer. With Inna based in KL, I should have devoted more than two weeks, but I’d been a little apprehensive, and didn’t want to distract her from work, either.

Of course, that was all balanced by the wonders we did experience, such as Singapore’s Gardens By The Bay, Phuket’s Tiger Kingdom, and swimming in the Andaman Sea. I have some amazing photos and memories that I’ll always treasure.

And I enjoyed swimming in the hotel roof pools each morning. Though I felt a little awkward doing so, the epitome of the idle rich white man. After all, I had nothing better to do than travel from snowy Pittsburgh to Southeast Asia to lie around all day and absorb the equatorial sun while everyone else was working their mundane day jobs. Coming from middle-class roots, I’m just not comfortable with the idea of such conspicuous self-indulgence.

Beyond the passport stamps, the tropical sun, and the exotic sights, the main reason behind my trip was spending time with Inna, seeing how she was making out, and doing what I could to relieve some of the familiar stress that comes with working abroad.

Fortunately, over the weeks and months, Inna has gotten comfortable with her clients and confident in her role and what’s expected of her. So many elements of her project remind me of my half-year deployment in St. Thomas, which was strenuous, amazing, and absolutely off-the-charts ridiculous. The day she left Pittsburgh, I wrote that “I’m incredibly proud of her career progress”, and three months later, that sense of pride has only increased. She’s been kicking ass, and it’s awesome to see.

I’m surprised that despite the equatorial heat, Inna has taken to Kuala Lumpur, to the extent that she might be open to extending her stay. I will, of course, be very interested in how that question resolves itself in coming months.

Continuing the topic of stress, this trip was a test for Inna and I, and our ability to work together under challenging conditions. We made it harder for ourselves by not discussing our plans for our two weekends until the absolute last minute. I’m particularly thankful for her willingness to handle the arrangements for Singapore and Phuket while I was comatose in bed trying to catch up on sleep.

As with any partnership, we each had our moments of difficulty and irritability to work through, but in the end we made a great team, helped one another out, achieved most of what we wanted to do, and built an immense pile of memories together that we can share and cherish.

I don’t like her living on the opposite side of the planet, but it did afford me the opportunity and the impetus for a once in a lifetime trip: one I’d dreamed about for years. I’m glad to have taken that rare opportunity, and to have shared such a memorable experience with the woman I love.

Having read this through, if you’re interested, here are links to more images and text about my trip.

There really needs to be a corollary to Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics, stating that website maintenance is a constant (and un-winnable) battle against the Stupid introduced by other people.

Usually this involves a lot of quiet fuming while cleaning up the garbage left behind by the incompetent agents of entropy. But sometimes the Stupid is just so ludicrously headdeskingly perfect that there’s nothing you can do but laugh until you gag on your own puke. All the while, marveling at the “mysteries of the universe”.

For example, consider the following. While working on something, I once came across the following block of code on a production website:

$rss_feeds = "";
echo $rss_feeds;

Now, even if you’re code-illiterate, you can probably figure out what this does. It sets a variable to nothing and then prints… nothing.

Why? No reason. The only thing I can figure is that someone hired a contractor and paid them based on the sheer number of lines of code they produced.

Now, before I lose all the non-coders in the audience, here are a couple examples where people chose to demonstrate their mastery of their native language. For example, take this headline that appeared in a second-level heading on one page:

Private vs. Gevernment

Or this major announcement:

Without further adieu [...]

Or this favorite job listing of mine:

[...] is currently seeking a Senior FrontEnd Web Developer with 710 years of professional experience

Working our way into the code doesn’t have to be painful, though. How about this one: Need to name a file? Why not name it after your own awesome self?

$fileExt = 'markrules';

Another one that is easy for non-coders is this one:

<div id="left_content" class="right">

Yup. In the Stupid Universe, left is right and right is left.

Now how much would you pay? But wait: there’s more!

<?php //    include('ad_med_rectangle.inc.php'); ?>
<?php include('ad_med_rectangle.inc.php'); ?>

In PHP, two slashes are used to comment something out. So here we have a line of code carefully commented out. And then the exact same line, not commented out. Um… huh?

Speaking of comments, try figuring out what this one does:

$form->addElement('hidden', 'xzdf', 'A3104', array('id' => 'xzdf'));

Using names or key values with self-evident meanings is really overrated. The Law of Stupid instructs us to use completely nonsensical names, and make sure you don’t leave any comments in the code that might explain to the people maintaining your code what those random numbers and strings of characters actually mean!

And then there’s this mystery of the universe, a perennial favorite:

$term = ereg_replace("hero", "elongated sandwich", $term);

I can’t tell you why this site has such a strong aversion to heroes, but it’s clear that any time we find the word “hero”, we replace it with our preferred term “elongated sandwich”. No reason; we just do. No hero worship allowed here!

Here’s a fun one!

.blue_button {
    background: none repeat scroll 0 0 #ED8D1E;
}

Blue_button, huh? You might be forgiven if you thought that might actually show a button that was blue. But that background color of #ED8D1E? That’s dark orange. OF COURSE!

For some reason, “switch” statements seem beyond the grasp of many well-compensated “engineering professionals”. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult to do different things depending on whether a variable has a value of 1 or 2 or 3, etc. Is that so hard? Apparently it is. Here’s a nice example:

case 1:
     $url = 'http://www.awebsite.com/';
     break;
case 1:
     $url = 'http://www.awebsite.com/';
     break;
case 1:
     $url = 'http://www.awebsite.com/';
     break;
case 1:
     $url = 'http://www.awebsite.com/';
     break;
case 1:
     $url = 'http://www.awebsite.com/';
     break;

That’s a double dose of Stupid! Here, all the cases do exactly the same thing! But that’s okay, because they all test against the same value, too!

In plain English, it translates thus: if it’s a 1 you do this; but if it’s a 1 you still do this; or if it’s actually a 1 you would also do this; and if 1 you do the same thing too; and so on. That’s seventeen lines of code to do what requires only one. See what I mean about someone being paid per line of code?

Of course, that only works if you want to do something. Truly masterful Stupid code does nothing, like this switch statement:

switch($page[subnav]) {
}

Huh. Only outside of the Stupid Universe is it customary to write code to actually *do something*.

Of course, junior developers often aren’t wise enough yet to disguise the fact that they’re doing nothing. Consider this:

 

Yes, that’s nothing. That’s the whole contents of a file I found called small.css. Small, indeed! Perhaps they thought they weren’t leaving any evidence of their stupidity behind.

Here’s some additional CSS-flavored fun:

<div style="clear: left;"> </div>
<div style="clear: right;"> </div>

More from the Planet of the Confused: why not just do “clear:both”? Oh yeah, it’s because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!!

ttable tr td.odd {
     border-left: 0;
     border-right: 1px solid #fff;
}

Did the W3C create a new HTML tag (ttable) and I missed the news?

p.margin-left {margin-left: 15px; padding-right: 15px;}

So let me get this right: a paragraph called “margin-left” actually has equal margin on both sides? But on the left it’s a margin, and on the right it’s padding? That makes perfect sense, especially if you don’t understand basic HTML page layout!

Here’s an exemplary 12 lines of masterful coding:

if (isset($page_close)) {
$page_close .= <<<EOD
</body>
</html>
EOD;
} else {
$page_close = <<<EOD2
</body>
</html>
EOD2;
}
echo $page_close;

That’s just another example of how these guys clearly were getting paid per line of code. No matter what $page_close is set to, what those 12 lines of code really do is this:

</body>
</html>

No need for complex logic or any dynamic behavior. Good thing they inserted an extraneous IF/ELSE block, two “here quotes”, and echoing a variable, because how else would one know they were such masters of PHP syntax?

if (test_it_counter == 0) {
   computeForm(entry.form);
}
computeForm(entry.form);
test_it_counter++;

So the first time through this program, computeForm() get run twice in a row, just for kicks. I’m sure that works just great! I wonder why they didn’t run it twice every time?

<div id="nav" onmouseover="Tip('#nav { <br /> <var>float:</var> left; <br /> <var>width:</var> 788px; <br /> <var>height:</var> 36px; <br /> <var>margin:</var> 0; <br /> <var>padding:</var> 0; <br /> <var>background:</var> #fff url(images/navbg3.gif) no-repeat; <br /> <var>text-align:</var> center; <br /> } <br /><br /><cite>Note the hover action. </cite>')">

I have absolutely no idea what the coder was thinking here. If you hover over a nav, it displays a tooltip with a bunch of CSS code (which actually doesn’t get used and doesn’t appear anywhere in the page) and the message “note the hover action”. Glad that has been running out on the production web site for four or five years

My final example is a solve-it-yourself problem. Are you ready for a developer challenge? How long does it take you to spot the Stupid in this statement?

<?php if ($isForm = false) {

This one’s an all-time classic and a personal favorite. When comparing a variable to a literal, professional software engineers always put the literal first. Do you know why? Well, the above is a perfect illustration why. The reason why will be left as an exercise for the reader.

Most of you know that in 1984 I founded an Internet-based magazine for aspiring writers called DargonZine and ran it until a couple years ago. I have to say, there’s nothing quite like amateur fiction. As ably demonstrated by the following unedited passages from some of the rough drafts that were posted for peer review. Their beauty is self-evident; enjoy.

  1. “Before I do my mother, will you put yourself in exile with me?
  2. Skar smiled a mean little smile as Kane recovered himself and quickly snatched the bag off of the table. Skar slowly drank the rest of his ale, and the rose from his table.
  3. The baron said, “He’ll get over it, my love. But this could have all been avoided if you had been more discrete.”
  4. When she had not conceived after months of trying, it became apparent that something was wrong. Now, years later, there was no denying her bareness.
  5. All of the walls around the room were filled with doors, and in the center a grand staircase lead up to a balcony on the second floor.
  6. Sandia reached the edge of the doorway and peaked in.
  7. “What?” she screeched. “You pick up some orphaned peasant girl and bring her back, then you dump her on me while you gallivant off to heard sheep or whatever it is knights do in this backwater squandry.
  8. “I’ll return in two months,” DuVania said forcefully. “No one is being abandoned, Friana. During that time, I’m sure my daughter will fair just as well as she has during the past two months.
  9. The tavern was teaming again, full of evening patrons eating and drinking their fill
  10. [note here that Parris is a male character] Parris recalled the family tale that had been passed on to him by his father, a weak and bitter man with no ambition. Parris and Clifton’s great-grandfather, Duke Cedric, had been unable to conceive a child.
  11. Soldiers dressed in the white and blue livery colours of baron Narragan lunged at him from both sides.
  12. There were archers and varying degree of men-at-arms from peasants with farm implements to well-equipped castle guards bearing shields with their lords’ liver colours and chain hauberks.
  13. Dara reached them and scanned the deep blue horizon. Sumner Dargon pointed and she was able to make out the white rectangles of sales approaching.
  14. When I returned to the room, it looked beautiful. It had always been one of my favorite rooms for this reason. Because there were no windows, the light from the candles and the scone lit the room with a golden glow.
  15. He felt the warmth of her through his clothing. He stood still again and let that warmth envelope him.
  16. I had already seen that few city dwellers considered woodsmen, wearing simple leathers and fir shirts to be uncivilized.
  17. Enough was enough. I remember pushing away the proffered cup of water, and the incensed look on the fishmonger’s face as it spilled over him.
  18. I stared at the creature and it stared back at me. Then it spayed water from the top of its head and I was soaking wet; so was every other man standing nearby. It got their attention.
  19. “May I come in?”
    “Off course.”

Half-breed

Sep. 11th, 2008 11:12 am

Okay, I’m making this official.

Headhunters / recruiters will forthwith always and everywhere be referred to solely as LABRADOODLES.

Please spread the word, and remember: you heard it here first.

Two more nuggets from life as a consultant.

It’s probably not a great idea to draw attention to yourself by BitTorrenting at the client site. Nor is it good form to give your computer a name that includes profanity. Combine them and you might have to own up to it when the client IT staff publicly ask, “Who here has the computer called ‘Little Bitch’?” No, I don’t make this stuff up, people…

At a company update today, a manager spoke about ramping up our new accounting personnel. “It’s gonna take a little time for them to get immersed and catch up.” But I swear to god that what I heard was “It’s gonna take a little time for them to get immersed in ketchup.” Kinda blew my chunks on that one. I guess the old consultant hazing practises are still alive and well!

Actual screen shot from Adobe Camera Raw Update.

Hey, Adobe, way to reinforce your brand identity. This is the logical result when you offshore your development to LOLcats.

Updater did not Worked

Is it hypocritical for newspapers to tout themselves as defenders of the English language while simultaneously butchering it whenever it is convenient?

Here’s a selection of recent headlines from the Boston Globe. You’ll note the grammatically egregious use of “slay” as a noun and/or adjective, rather than the proper nominal/gerund form, “slaying”.

IN SLAY CASE, NYC POLICE SEEK CLUES AT BAR SITE
SLAY VICTIM, 24, MOURNED IN BOSTON
‘SCHOOL CAME FIRST’ FOR NYC SLAY VICTIM, 24
OFFICIALS POINT TO SLAY CASE SUCCESSES
HUNDREDS PAY TRIBUTE TO SLAY VICTIM
GAS STATIONS ARE A FOCUS IN SLAY PROBE
PROSECUTORS SAY OTHER VICTIMS POSSIBLE IN N.H. SLAY CASE
BAIL SOUGHT IN 33-YEAR-OLD SLAY CASE
REWARD MONEY OFFERED IN PROBE OF NYC SLAY CASE
JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL IN THE HOPKINTON DOUBLE-SLAY CASE, VICTIMS’ KIN SAY
SLAY CASE MYSTIFIES A MAINE RETREAT
WEAPON FIGURES IN SLAY TRIAL
JURY SELECTED FOR TRIAL IN ’03 SLAY CASE
DEATH PENALTY RULED OUT IN GANG SLAY CASE
BAIL STAYED FOR ACCUSED IN TRURO SLAY CASE
SLAY CHARGES DROPPED VS. HOMELESS MAN
CHARITY HONORS SLAY VICTIM’S EFFORTS
SLAY SUSPECT OUT ON BAIL
OFFICER GRANTED BAIL IN GANG SLAY CASE
SLAY VICTIM MOURNED IN NEW BEDFORD
2D SUSPECT ARRESTED IN MBTA SLAY CASE
FORMER CORRECTION OFFICER PLEADS GUILTY IN SLAY PLOT
SLAY VICTIM’S GOAT BRINGS COMFORT IN E. FALMOUTH
MAN FOUND STABBED IN DORCHESTER IS CITY’S 27TH SLAY VICTIM
DEFENSE EYES DNA IN TRURO SLAY CASE
SLAY-PLOT SUSPECT EJECTED FROM COURT
FBI SEEKS MEETINGS WITH R.I. POLICE ON SLAY SUSPECT’S ARREST
SLAY SUSPECT ARRAIGNED

So an individual can be suspected of slay, be charged with slay, and be arraigned for slay. One can plot slay, probe slay, investigate cases of slay, and try slay. And believe me, we’re all victims of slay.

Obviously, this isn’t a case of one headline requiring a tweak, nor is it the doing of one marginally literate writer. It’s a systematic practice in which the Globe’s demonstrates its inability to write headlines in coherent English.

The Globe’s presumed justification for this practice would be that it is impossible to use proper grammar in their headlines, due to space constraints. However, one of those headlines is no less than 72 characters long. If we take that as a theoretical maximum length, then not a single one of the other 27 headlines would exceed that limit if we were to add the three-character “-ing” suffix that would make “slay” grammatically correct. So what, exactly, is their justification for this wanton butchery of standard practice? Answer: there is none. It is pure and utter caprice, reinforced with the weight of bureaucratic hubris.

I pointed this out in an email to the Globe’s so-called ombudsman two years ago. “Thanks for the course correction on the use of ‘slay’ in headlines. I’ve given the headline bosses the benefit of your wisdom.” In other words, “Fuck you very much; we’ll do as we please.” Proper grammar has no place in the Boston Globe, except when it can provide some entertainment value, in which case it is conveniently relegated to their weekly “The Word” column.

One of the most useful sites I’ve found for writers is Common Errors in EnglishCommon Errors in English, which is maintained by WSU English prof Paul Brians. He provides a handy reference that is amusing and easily navigable. It rocks my world.

I recently purchased and read the book which he has made out of the site. It contains just the same information as you can find online, but I thought purchasing it a worthy way to support the site.

Last night, as I plowed through the ‘Y’ entries before finishing the book, I came across something I didn’t know and found highly amusing. It was in this entry for “Ye/The”.

What it says is this: “ye” as a synonym for “the” is a malapropism. “The” was originally spelled not with the digraph “th”, but with the old Anglo-Saxon thorn character (Þ): þe.

Big deal? Well, although it’s always represented the sound ‘th’, the symbol that represents the thorn has evolved over time. For a while it looked quite like the letter ‘P’. Then it evolved to look more like the letter ‘Y’. Thus, while “the” has always been pronounced “the”, there was a time when it *looked* like it was spelled “ye”. The thorn spelling was replaced by the “th” digraph in the late Middle Ages, but the thorn continued to be used for a long time in certain places, notably store signs.

Thus, while everyone knew “the” was spelled “the”, there were places that still used the thorn. Since the thorn looked like a ‘Y’, places like “Ye Chandler” spurred a popular misconception that “ye” was some old-school word (pronounced “yee”) that was a synonym for “the”. But there never was any such word as “ye”. Surprise!

Now, this does not extend to “ye” as a plural personal pronoun. That usage is fine, such as in the carol “O come all ye faithful”. No problem there, because there “ye” is a valid form of the old school “thee/thou/thine” pronouns. But “ye” as a synonym for “the” is just a myth that began when the use of the thorn character in English was discontinued.

And yes, both the thorn character and the sharp, pointy bit on a rose were both originally spelled: þorn.

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