Ornoth

Most of you know that in 1984 I founded an Internet-based magazine for aspiring writers called DargonZine and ran it until a couple years ago. I have to say, there’s nothing quite like amateur fiction. As ably demonstrated by the following unedited passages from some of the rough drafts that were posted for peer review. Their beauty is self-evident; enjoy.

1. “Before I do my mother, will you put yourself in exile with me?
2. Skar smiled a mean little smile as Kane recovered himself and quickly snatched the bag off of the table. Skar slowly drank the rest of his ale, and the rose from his table.
3. The baron said, “He’ll get over it, my love. But this could have all been avoided if you had been more discrete.”
4. When she had not conceived after months of trying, it became apparent that something was wrong. Now, years later, there was no denying her bareness.
5. All of the walls around the room were filled with doors, and in the center a grand staircase lead up to a balcony on the second floor.
6. Sandia reached the edge of the doorway and peaked in.
7. “What?” she screeched. “You pick up some orphaned peasant girl and bring her back, then you dump her on me while you gallivant off to heard sheep or whatever it is knights do in this backwater squandry.
8. “I’ll return in two months,” DuVania said forcefully. “No one is being abandoned, Friana. During that time, I’m sure my daughter will fair just as well as she has during the past two months.
9. The tavern was teaming again, full of evening patrons eating and drinking their fill
10. [note here that Parris is a male character] Parris recalled the family tale that had been passed on to him by his father, a weak and bitter man with no ambition. Parris and Clifton’s great-grandfather, Duke Cedric, had been unable to conceive a child.
11. Soldiers dressed in the white and blue livery colours of baron Narragan lunged at him from both sides.
12. There were archers and varying degree of men-at-arms from peasants with farm implements to well-equipped castle guards bearing shields with their lords’ liver colours and chain hauberks.
13. Dara reached them and scanned the deep blue horizon. Sumner Dargon pointed and she was able to make out the white rectangles of sales approaching.
14. When I returned to the room, it looked beautiful. It had always been one of my favorite rooms for this reason. Because there were no windows, the light from the candles and the scone lit the room with a golden glow.
15. He felt the warmth of her through his clothing. He stood still again and let that warmth envelope him.
16. I had already seen that few city dwellers considered woodsmen, wearing simple leathers and fir shirts to be uncivilized.
17. Enough was enough. I remember pushing away the proffered cup of water, and the incensed look on the fishmonger’s face as it spilled over him.
18. I stared at the creature and it stared back at me. Then it spayed water from the top of its head and I was soaking wet; so was every other man standing nearby. It got their attention.
19. “May I come in?”
    “Off course.”

Is it hypocritical for newspapers to tout themselves as defenders of the English language while simultaneously butchering it whenever it is convenient?

Here’s a selection of recent headlines from the Boston Globe. You’ll note the grammatically egregious use of “slay” as a noun and/or adjective, rather than the proper nominal/gerund form, “slaying”.

IN SLAY CASE, NYC POLICE SEEK CLUES AT BAR SITE
SLAY VICTIM, 24, MOURNED IN BOSTON
‘SCHOOL CAME FIRST’ FOR NYC SLAY VICTIM, 24
OFFICIALS POINT TO SLAY CASE SUCCESSES
HUNDREDS PAY TRIBUTE TO SLAY VICTIM
GAS STATIONS ARE A FOCUS IN SLAY PROBE
PROSECUTORS SAY OTHER VICTIMS POSSIBLE IN N.H. SLAY CASE
BAIL SOUGHT IN 33-YEAR-OLD SLAY CASE
REWARD MONEY OFFERED IN PROBE OF NYC SLAY CASE
JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL IN THE HOPKINTON DOUBLE-SLAY CASE, VICTIMS’ KIN SAY
SLAY CASE MYSTIFIES A MAINE RETREAT
WEAPON FIGURES IN SLAY TRIAL
JURY SELECTED FOR TRIAL IN ’03 SLAY CASE
DEATH PENALTY RULED OUT IN GANG SLAY CASE
BAIL STAYED FOR ACCUSED IN TRURO SLAY CASE
SLAY CHARGES DROPPED VS. HOMELESS MAN
CHARITY HONORS SLAY VICTIM’S EFFORTS
SLAY SUSPECT OUT ON BAIL
OFFICER GRANTED BAIL IN GANG SLAY CASE
SLAY VICTIM MOURNED IN NEW BEDFORD
2D SUSPECT ARRESTED IN MBTA SLAY CASE
FORMER CORRECTION OFFICER PLEADS GUILTY IN SLAY PLOT
SLAY VICTIM’S GOAT BRINGS COMFORT IN E. FALMOUTH
MAN FOUND STABBED IN DORCHESTER IS CITY’S 27TH SLAY VICTIM
DEFENSE EYES DNA IN TRURO SLAY CASE
SLAY-PLOT SUSPECT EJECTED FROM COURT
FBI SEEKS MEETINGS WITH R.I. POLICE ON SLAY SUSPECT’S ARREST
SLAY SUSPECT ARRAIGNED

So an individual can be suspected of slay, be charged with slay, and be arraigned for slay. One can plot slay, probe slay, investigate cases of slay, and try slay. And believe me, we’re all victims of slay.

Obviously, this isn’t a case of one headline requiring a tweak, nor is it the doing of one marginally literate writer. It’s a systematic practice in which the Globe’s demonstrates its inability to write headlines in coherent English.

The Globe’s presumed justification for this practice would be that it is impossible to use proper grammar in their headlines, due to space constraints. However, one of those headlines is no less than 72 characters long. If we take that as a theoretical maximum length, then not a single one of the other 27 headlines would exceed that limit if we were to add the three-character “-ing” suffix that would make “slay” grammatically correct. So what, exactly, is their justification for this wanton butchery of standard practice? Answer: there is none. It is pure and utter caprice, reinforced with the weight of bureaucratic hubris.

I pointed this out in an email to the Globe’s so-called ombudsman two years ago. “Thanks for the course correction on the use of ‘slay’ in headlines. I’ve given the headline bosses the benefit of your wisdom.” In other words, “Fuck you very much; we’ll do as we please.” Proper grammar has no place in the Boston Globe, except when it can provide some entertainment value, in which case it is conveniently relegated to their weekly “The Word” column.

It hasn’t yet been a month since I ranted about “lose” versus “loose” in this entry.

Less than a week later, I was reading “Better Available Light Photography” by Joe Farace and Barry Staver, published by Focal Press, an imprint of Butterworth-Heinemann, when I came across the following:

Once the clip test is evaluated, the balance of the film is then processed to achieve the best results. It’s easy to do a clip test and not loose one animated, important image.

Then, last night I was being a sensitive New Age guy, reading “Nothing’s Wrong: A Man’s Guide to Managing His Feelings” by David Kundtz, published by Conari Press, an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, and read:

[…] change is constant and pervasive. Often it also is unannounced: a new job, a new family, a different place to live, changed priorities, getting or loosing money, an illness […]

Sometimes I feel like the only literate person on the planet. Then I wake up from my dream-state and discover to my horror that it’s true.

In recent months I’ve seen at least three college graduates on my friends list type “loose” when they meant “lose”, or vice versa, and it’s just as common an occurrence for the people who write for my magazine.

I find that surprising. The two words are completely distinct: in meaning, in part of speech, and in pronunciation. It shocks me that anyone could mistake one for the other, and it usually lowers my opinion of the author’s intellect when I see it.

So in an effort to ensure that doesn’t happen to you, I’d like to provide a little review. I’ll make it as quick and painless as possible, but it may require a bit of mental effort to internalize the difference.

Here’s the lazy person’s rule: if you say it aloud and get a “Z” sound, that’s “lose”; if you get a soft “S” sound, that’s “loose”. If, as a native English speaker, you have a reliable ear, that might be all you need.

But if not, here’s the gritty that is nitty…

“Loose” is usually an adjective. It describes something not firmly attached. Your belt is loose. A knot is loose. Some *thing* is loose. But it has absolutely nothing to do with something that is (or might become) lost, and you usually can’t “loose” something¹.

“Lose” is a verb; something can’t be “lose”. It is an action: you lose something. You lose your way. You lose your keys. You might even lose weight one of these days. If you lose something, it becomes lost; you can’t find it or don’t have it anymore.

That covers 99% of all cases. Unless you’re a purist, you can commit the above to memory and never look silly again.

¹ Now, for the purists out there, “loose” can, in fact, be a verb. In rare instances, you can actually loose something. However it still has the same basic meaning: to release or unattach. You can loose a boat from a mooring. You can loose an arrow. It’s like a more complete form of “loosening”, as you’d loosen a tie. But in none of these instances does the object you loose or loosen become lost. If you lost it, then you want “lose”, never “loose”.