Ornoth

Meditation teachers will often refer to scientific studies on the effects of meditation, such as the Dalai Lama’s well-publicized cooperation with western neuroscientists, which goes back more than 30 years.

As a garden-variety practitioner, I never imagined my brainwaves would be of interest to the scientific community.

However, when our Wednesday evening meditation group leader forwarded an email from the CMU Brain-Computer Interaction lab recruiting experienced meditators as subjects, I decided to sign up. After all, I had the requisite background, ample free time, a modicum of curiosity, and willingness to pocket some easy cash.

The experiment’s primary question: “Does meditation help you learn how to control a computer with just your mind?”

This is part of their larger investigation into decoding a user’s mental intent solely through neural signals, to enable patients with a variety of neurological dysfunctions, such as stroke, ALS, and spinal cord injuries to control devices such as robotic arms, quadcopters, and so forth. There are explanatory videos on the lab’s web page.

And we won’t mention the obvious military and espionage applications of this technology, except perhaps to highlight its applicability for control of huge Gundam-style mecha-robots!

Over the past month, I went to the lab for five identical two-hour sessions. Each session began with the lengthy task of fitting and wiring up an EEG cap with about six dozen electrodes. Then the actual experiment, followed by calibrating the cap and washing gobs of electro-conductive gel out of my hair.

The experiment comprised a series of tasks wherein I controlled the movement of a dot on a computer screen on one axis (left/right), then another axis (up/down), and then both dimensions at once. To move the dot required only that I think about moving my left hand, my right hand, both hands, or neither.

That “neither” is a “gotcha” for most people, because how do you go from concentrating on your hands to not thinking about them? It’s a direct example of psychology’s “ironic rebound”, whereby deliberate attempts to suppress a thought actually makes it more likely (e.g. don’t think about a pink elephant).

It was wondrous seeing such thought processes play out on screen. I’d move my attention from right hand to left, but if the subtlest attempt to not think about the right hand crept into my mind, the cursor would stubbornly swerve in that direction.

However, an experienced meditator knows that we have only crude control over our minds, and quickly recognizes that “gotcha” because they've experienced it thousands of times. They’ve learned strategies for sidestepping it, such as dropping all thought by focusing on other sense input, or redirection (e.g. mentally reciting the list of prime numbers). So a meditative background was very beneficial for me.

After starting at a modest level, over time my accuracy and performance improved. And importantly for me, the amount of mental strain and fatigue I experienced fell away, too.

The experiments also confirmed my perceived pattern of learning and proficiency. In nearly any new field (with a few well-known exceptions), I’ll display remarkable initial aptitude, then gain basic proficiency steadily and quickly. However, not long after, I become complacent and my skill level plateaus, while others who started at a lower level of proficiency catch up and potentially surpass me. That was my experience in graphic design school, and it was confirmed by the lead researcher in these brain-computer interface experiments.

The CMU study called for six visits doing the same experiment, followed by a seventh that would feature a different set of tasks. Unfortunately, this was taking place while the COVID-19 pandemic was spreading into the US, causing universities like CMU to send students home; so out of an abundance of caution I regretfully cancelled the final two experiments. I was kinda looking forward to that final session, and the extra $160 that I forwent.

But now I can officially say that my brain was the subject of scientific inquiry and experimentation, and that I’ve contributed to the growing body of scientific knowledge about the effectiveness of meditation. And having done a proof-of-concept that I can control a computer with my mind, the next step will be total world domination!

Although due to concern over the spread of COVID-19, right now I’m focusing all my efforts on opening doorknobs using my mind, rather than my hands...

With the perspective that comes from thirty years in tech, I’ve gained quite an appreciation for the basic absurdity of developing software.

A quick look in the rear-view tells a revealing story.

Of the volumes of software I’ve written, perhaps a quarter of it was never even used. And nearly all of the code that did make it into production was gone and deleted within five years of its creation. Heck, half of the companies I worked for disappeared within eight years! And nearly every programming environment I ever learned was obsolete within ten.

While everyone talks about how rapidly technology evolves, it’s rare that anyone thinks through the implications. The software that I was quite well paid to craft has been astonishingly ephemeral, and the development tools that I’ve used have had a useful lifetime somewhat shorter than my last pair of socks.

Needless to say, this isn’t just my problem; everyone in our industry faces the same underlying challenge. Nothing lasts forever, but in tech, everything we learn, use, or create should come with a “use-by” date of fewer than 60 months.

When you were young, you probably got the impression that your career would be a linear journey from Point A (your first job) to Point B (a comfortable retirement).

In the tech field, it’s more like trying to steer a sailboat at sea. You can point yourself toward a destination, but the water’s hidden currents and tides will pull you in different directions. The wind, waves, and other people’s passage will also push you off course. Never mind that every employer and project asks you to use their own boat with completely different rigging! And sometimes, either by choice or necessity, your destination changes mid-stream. About the time you reach the middle your career, you realize that your industry and career trajectory are far more fluid than you foresaw when you first set out.

While all this change and dynamism makes it hard to make progress in any one direction for long, if you develop the insight and skills to respond to these changes wisely, you can still get to a happy destination, even if it might look nothing like what you imagined when you got your first offer letter.

What follows are a list of observations I’ve made over the course of my shifting career: some often-overlooked implications of trying to navigate my way through such a turbulent industry. I hope they are of value to you on your own journey.

First, let’s look at the implications the ephemeral nature of software has on companies as a whole.

As soon as a development team delivers a software system, companies and product managers need to immediately start planning for its replacement. These days, you have two options: either factor a perpetual enhancement and revision process into your product strategy, or plan to simply throw away and reinvent your system at great cost a little further down the road. The traditional concept of implementing a system once and then scaling back for a lengthy “maintenance phase” died about the same time as pay phones and busy signals. It’s a nice old-fashioned idea that will lead you directly toward your Chapter 7 filing.

Whether you are a product manager or a development lead, you must accept and somehow communicate to your development team that time to market is infinitely more important than the elegance or academic correctness of their code. Bug-free code does not exist, and companies are much more rigorous about following the old 80/20 rule. If you’re truly following the Agile model (rather than pretending, as so many companies do), your top priority is to ship the beta: get an initial offering with a minimal feature set out into the market, and then react rapidly to customer feedback. These days, software that is “good enough” is almost always good enough.

When I first became an engineer, my older brother offered me one of the most valuable insights of my entire career: never hire technical staff for the knowledge they already have; instead, evaluate candidates primarily on their ability to learn new skills quickly and effectively. Five years down the road, the knowledge they walked in the door with will have no value; their usefulness as employees will be determined by how easily and quickly they can become productive with new languages and tools. Furthermore, the optimal way to retain the best technical talent is to support their desire to keep up with current and emerging technologies.

Now let’s talk about a few things that apply both to individuals as well as companies.

Whether you’re an individual managing your to-do list or a product manager specifying features and enhancements, you’re always going to have more tasks than time and resources to complete them. Therefore, always work on the highest value item. Constantly ask yourself whether you and your team are working on the most strategically valuable task. Always attach yourself to the tasks that truly have the most impact, and don’t waste your time on anything else.

Risk is uncomfortable. Risk is a threat to one’s company and one’s career. And yet risk is an inherent part of every single thing we do. While moving cautiously forward might seem like the most comfortable and risk-free approach, it really only defers that pain, because there is a huge hidden risk associated with not moving forward assertively enough. Both corporations and individuals must learn how to embrace risk, tolerate its associated discomfort, and recover from failures.

Software engineers and managers often have a grand dream of software reuse: the idea that if you’re building a program to handle Task A, you should invest some extra time into making it generic enough to handle anticipated future Tasks B and C. In the real world, B and C might never be needed, and their requirements are likely to change between now and then anyways. While it goes against our sensibilities, it is often quicker and easier to just duplicate and customize old code to handle new tasks. If the additional cost of maintaining multiple versions becomes sufficient, only then should you invest the resources to refactor it into a single generalized solution. That might sound like blasphemy, but in thirty years I’ve rarely seen a compelling example where software reuse saved money in the long run.

Finally, let’s talk about how we as individual employees should respond to the fact that our work has such a surprisingly short lifetime.

On a purely tactical level, as soon as you finish a project, save some screenshots and code samples for your portfolio. Six months later, those sites you built will have changed significantly, if they survive at all.

While everyone wants to be the best at what they do, building deep expertise in any tool or language no longer makes sense, because most languages are supplanted in a few short years. Rather than becoming an expert at one thing, a better strategy is to become the long-derided jack of all trades: someone who has a wide breadth of knowledge, an understanding of the general principles that apply to all environments, and the ability to adapt to changing business needs and a changing job market. Cultivate your passion for perpetually learning new tools, and your ability to be comfortable doing so under stress and time pressure.

In terms of getting your resume noticed, what you have done is not always as significant as who you worked for. Sites and projects are ephemeral, but major companies last longer and will catch the reader’s eye. Working with companies that are household names will—for the rest of your life—help you get that first phone screen.

My advice to all individuals is to focus on saving cash when you’re working, so that you can comfortably weather the inevitable downturns in the business cycle. Every time I’ve been laid off, I’ve been able to take a year or two off to decompress, have some fun, wait for the next upturn in hiring, and then be selective in my hunt for a new position. Layoffs and buy-outs weren’t personal emergencies because I had the cash on hand to weather any situation that arose. But if you take time off, devote some time to keeping your skills up to date and learning marketable new technologies.

Unlike the coding I’ve done, the one element of my career that has proven surprisingly durable over the long-term has been the relationships I’ve built with my coworkers. Despite everyone moving from project to project and job to job and often city to city, people remember you forever, and a robust contact list is immensely helpful in finding great places to work (and knowing which ones to avoid). It might sound crazy, but this has been one of the most important elements of my career success: put just as much effort into developing good relationships with your coworkers as you put into the software you write. Software doesn’t last, but people do.

Finally, one closing bit of advice about the long-term. If you want to be happy when you look back on your career, you must work for companies and projects that improve people’s lives, rather than just making a buck. Being a successful spammer or marketer might pay the bills, but money isn’t fulfillment. No matter how elegant, satisfaction will not come from the short-lived systems you build; real, lasting fulfillment comes from the impact your work had on real people’s lives. Life is too short to waste your time working on shit that doesn’t have any meaningful value, so make sure you’re contributing to a business you can really believe in.

And, of course, don’t be surprised or dismayed when the systems you worked so hard to build disappear overnight. It’s one of the facts of life as a software developer…

Back in December, one of the teachers at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center sent me an email, inquiring whether I would be willing to volunteer to periodically read the announcements before their Wednesday evening dhamma talks.

This was ironic and fitting, after something I’d done the month before. During the feedback go-round at the end of the 9-day “Sandwich Retreat”, when I got the mic, I made a joke by reciting the familiar (and grammatically flawed) opening lines of the standard Wednesday night announcements. Since all the teachers had been watching, I suppose it was a manifestation of kamma that they’d soon single me out to “volunteer” to be an announcer when the need came up.

You might ask why I chose to do it, rather than tell them no. Over the past year I’ve really stopped going to the Wednesday night programs, and with my new job a 45-minute train ride from the center, I had a ready excuse.

On the other hand, it’s an easy way for me to give back to a center that has helped me quite significantly. Plus, after 15 years in consulting and 10+ years running DargonZine Summits, facilitating and speaking in front of a group are things I am very comfortable with.

Still, it would give me some interesting material to practice with, from nervousness and perfectionism to vanity and the ego. Plus it would earn me some respect as a leader, both by other practitioners as well as by the teachers. And it would certainly provide food for thought regarding my relationship to myself and the social environment, since I’ve always had a dualistic relationship with receiving attention and praise.

So given that the only material loss I’d face is some “me time”, I think the benefits of doing the announcements are worth pursuing, at least for the time being.

Once I made that decision, it surprised me that the people at the center didn’t schedule a training session for three months, until mid-March. But when they got in touch with me I blocked off a Friday night and left work early to get to Cambridge in time for the orientation session…

… which never happened. The guy who was supposed to train the two of us simply brain-farted and blew us off, not even remembering the meeting until more than an hour later, despite having called the other attendee the day before to ensure she’d show up. This is a person who has also either flaked or simply ignored my previous attempts to volunteer for the center’s tech committee.

I was ripped, but I had the presence of mind to examine the reasons why, rather than simply let my emotions run unchecked. When I tried to map my reaction to the needs, desires, and assumptions underlying it, I came up with several elements.

The two expectations I had of the administrator were competence and consideration. In the former case, I expected him to do something he committed to. In the latter, I expected that he wouldn’t waste my time, since I’d blocked off one of my rare free nights for this training. Of course, I often have to remind myself that I cannot expect other people to have the same zeal for competence and consideration that I do, and this was one of those instances.

However, lest you conclude that my passion for competence is completely positive, I have to admit that not only did my perfectionism cause me to have unmet expectations of someone else, but my high expectations for myself magnified my frustration a whole lot more…

You see, while the training was scheduled for Friday, I was already signed up to do the announcements by myself the following Wednesday. So by blowing off our training, the administrator had triggered my own concern over doing a good job the following week. And I generally don’t take well to anything that comes between me and an audience’s perception of me as a fully competent individual. So underlying my anger was my own anxiety, since his bungling might make me look like a fool a few days later. And that was the real issue.

For the next few days, my mind continually returned to how I was going to respond when I finally saw that administrator, mentally practicing a cutting response to an expected apology. Ironically, our homework for Narayan’s Long-Term Yogis group was exactly that: to observe repeating thoughts and try to let them go. Thanks to that homework, I had the presence of mind to avoid picking those thoughts up and running with them, which was very beneficial.

At the same time, when I did think about it, I realized that it was an opportunity to examine my reaction to being owed an apology by someone. My default reaction to an apology normally is to minimize and dismiss the offense, even though I’d remain angry internally. My usual preference would be to avoid bringing it up at all, to avoid any possible confrontation or unpleasantness. It’s an interesting thing for me to work with, since it’s one of the few situations where I have difficulty being my normally assertive self.

In the end, as I walked into the center for a rescheduled training session on Tuesday (the day before my premiere performance), I decided to throw away all my rehearsed lines and just respond to his apology with whatever response came to me at the moment. That was great, although it still wound up producing my usual self-effacing dismissal of the problem. Oh well!

So running the Wednesday evening talks involves a bit more than just reading the announcements. The announcer is also responsible for audio, which includes the mic for the teacher, as well as hearing-assist devices and their base station. We also record the talks live onto CD, so the recorder must be manned and media capture and levels properly set and monitored. And at the end of the night, one has to set up the room for the following morning’s sit.

So how did my first session go? For the most part, everything went off flawlessly. I only made a couple minor hiccups while getting through the announcements. On one hand, I was a little self-conscious about having to wear my reading glasses in front of the crowd, but on the other hand, it blurred everyone’s faces out when I looked up, so although it looked like I was making proper speaker eye contact, I didn’t have to actually register people’s faces, which made things a bit easier for me!

The biggest challenge I faced was when one of the attendees (a woman I know, actually), laid down in an aisle and closed her eyes while listening to the talk. It wasn’t long before the inevitable happened and she began snoring loud enough to distract the people sitting around her. Since she was (thankfully) right near me, I coughed loudly a couple times to try to keep her from dozing, and a couple times she snorted uncomfortably enough to wake herself. In the end, we were saved by the bell, but next time I’ll be sure to bring my keys, so that I can accidentally “drop” them in such a situation to startle the person into wakefulness!

The night included one final irony… The speaker that night was Winnie Nazarko, and the title of her talk was “Perfectionism”. Kind of appropriate, since perfectionism was the topic of our most recent Kalyana Mitta meeting; it has been the subject of my own recent contemplation of late (something for a future post); and it was the foundation of my desire to do a perfect job on my first night running the Wednesday evening dhamma talks!

So that’s how it went. I’ll probably do 3-4 more Wednesdays between now and September. While I’m pretty comfortable with the idea of running the show on Wednesday nights, I’m still pretty stunned to find myself in the position of being one of the primary public faces of the center. But it’s gratifying that they feel comfortable that I would do a creditable job in that capacity.

Why is it so hard for people to be perfect?

I mean, am I missing something? How hard is it to remember simple things you're supposed to remember? Or actually follow-up on the things you commit to doing? How hard can it be to be aware of your surroundings? Or to have the self-control to respond rationally to life's challenges? Or seek the self-knowledge to avoid being hopelessly fucked up? Don't people learn anything?

All my life, I've aspired to perfection: military precision, and machinelike competence. People who know me think that I have some kind of super-human ability to honor my committments, follow through on what I say I'll do, remember things that most people wouldn't, and provide a completely honest and sincere opinion.

In my days in consulting, I really came into my own, because my employer and peers demanded a preternatural degree of skill, self-control, and presence of mind. I thrived there, having finally found a place where my machinelike precision was appreciated, and where I could actually count on my coworkers to demonstrate the same admirable degree of perfection.

So it surprises me when so many people blatantly parade their humanity where everyone can see it. I look at my friends and I see them suffering for their ignorance, laziness, and inefficiency. And I'm somewhat surprised when they express admiration or surprise when I call up facts that they'd forgotten, or actually do something for them that they forgot they'd asked me to do! Somehow, that has made me "godlike" in their eyes.

Of course, perfection comes at a cost. It does take some degree of effort to actually pay attention to life as it happens. But I find that infinitely more satisfying than stumbling around like one of those toy cars that bounces off one wall before heading off in another random direction. That's hardly the behavior I'd expect from a presumably sentient person, and I have much higher expectations of myself than that.

Of course, one might ask whether all this preoccupation with perfection is a little neurotic. Sure, there's an obsessive component to it, but it's that very obsessiveness that makes it possible for a fallible human to approach perfection. Instead, I'd ask why we should tolerate sloppiness and imperfection and error, when it's so easy to rise above all that and live one's life with honor, dignity, and pride.

It's just not that hard, and it freaks me out that people think integrity and efficiency aren't traits that real humans should strive for.