Since my March trip to Southeast Asia wasn’t enough travel, in May I spent a week in Tuscany, just outside Florence, Italy.

Long before Inna accepted a six-month work assignment in Malaysia, her not-too-far-flung immediate family held a small reunion in Washington DC. They enjoyed that gathering so much that they decided the only way to improve upon it would be to repeat it… in Italy! Thus plans were laid.

Villa South Exit

The villa driveway, lined with olive trees

Villa Southwest Side

Our villa and grapevines seen from the road

Villa South Side

The south side of our villa, with backdrop

Villa South Side

Arches and patio on the south side

Ornoth in Tuscany

I’m in a Tuscan villa!

Villa East Side

West side villa entrance

Villa North Side

North side patio & our bedroom

Inna & Ornoth @ Villa

Inna & Ornoth on the north patio

Tuscany Daybreak

Tuscan daybreak

Villa Bedroom View

View from our villa bedroom door

Villa Northwest View

More farm villas northwest of us

Villa Northeast View

To the northeast: hillsides

Villa East View

Villa east of us

Villa East View

Eastern villa framed

Villa South View

View south, toward the road

Italian Cypress Cones

Italian cypress cones

Pottery Gravel

Pottery gravel

A Poppy in the Road

A poppy in the road

Tuscan Flowering

Tuscan flowery

Stray Felis

Stray felis has something to say!

Understanding that I’m very much not a family person, Inna offered me the option of staying home. However, the closest I’ve ever gotten to Europe was a 2002 trip to Scotland, and it was also a chance for us to spend more time together in the middle of her long work assignment in Malaysia. Furthermore, Tuscany has a well-advertised reputation as a cycling paradise.

It even seemed like the right thing to do financially! I’d just closed my mother’s estate and received my share of her residual assets. She would have wanted me to use the money for something fun, rather than simply socking it away, and my using some of it on a trip to Europe would have pleased her. Though she would have raised a forbearing eyebrow at my earlier trip to Malaysia, Thailand, and Singapore!

Booking our flights was challenging. Back in March, Inna had obtained her tickets through her employer, piggy-backing an Italy stopover onto the end of a company-paid visit home from Kuala Lumpur. I purchased my flights separately a month later, which made it very difficult for us to travel together; more on that below.

When May rolled around, Inna came back to Pittsburgh for a brief but welcome stay at home before our departure for Florence.

Friday, May 11 2018

We had a relaxed day, with oddly-timed evening departures. I was booked on United 6015 from Pittsburgh to Dulles, leaving at 7:30pm. Inna’s Lufthansa flight 8797—also from Pittsburgh to Dulles—was scheduled to leave just ten minutes later.

Although convenient, having two flights ten minutes apart to the same destination seemed bizarre. So I looked into it when I checked in, and discovered that LH 8797 was just a codeshare with UA 6015. So although we were on different flight numbers, on different airlines, with different departure and arrival times, we were actually on the same flight!

Although Inna was out shopping at that time, I signed into the Lufthansa site under her name and changed her seat assignment so that we could sit together, which was a pleasant surprise.

We had dinner at an airport restaurant, where Inna had a veggie burger with real bacon: something she can’t get in Muslim Malaysia. I had pulled pork with jalapenos over french fries and two colas, which caused a lot of inopportune cramping on the brief flight to DC. Fortunately, I was distracted from my gastric distress by a Debbie Harry-lookalike stewardess, complete with platinum blonde hair, stiletto heels, and drugged-out demeanor. Once I had a love, and it was a gas…

We enjoyed the traditional people-crawler transfer at Dulles and noted the stark, outdated architecture, recalling that our friend Sheela’s father had helped construct the terminal buildings. Then it was time for the big intercontinental redeye from DC to Munich.

I’d known from the start that we would be together on this flight, and had booked myself a seat just across the aisle from Inna. However once we boarded, our goal was for me to swap seats with the person next to her. The guy was cheerfully willing, so we happily got to be together once more! It made the travel much easier for both of us.

Neither of us sleep well on planes, and that proved true again this time. And while we were in the air, not sleeping, we crossed over into:

Saturday, May 12 2018

A little after noon local time, we arrived in Munich. It was my first-ever landfall in continental Europe, and my new record for farthest travel to the east (having set new high-water marks south- and westward six weeks earlier). And upon entering the European Union, we each got a new piece of German “cheese” at immigration. I should mention that we call passport stamps “cheese” because it’s the little reward we traveling rodents seek at the end of the rat-maze of stanchions and rope cords.

The Munich airport was a wonderful experience. No televisions, no crowd-control music… even the people were quiet! So refreshing!

However, here Inna and I finally had to go separate ways. When I’d booked my travel, her 2:40pm flight had been full, so I was relegated to the subsequent flight, four hours later. At her gate, we learned that the guy I’d swapped seats with on our last flight was also headed to Florence. He and Inna struck up a conversation and boarded the bus to their flight; meanwhile I had something to take care of…

When we’d arrived in Munich, it hadn’t been clear whether we had to do the baggage claim-and-recheck shuffle upon entering the EU. We’d just skipped it, but having received “baggage exception” warnings by text message at both Dulles and Munich, I decided to ask an attendant what we should do. He said to exit the terminal and go to baggage claim, which I did. When our bags weren’t there, I went to the lost baggage counter, where a helpful woman told me that our bags would automatically be sent on to Florence. This was happily confirmed an hour later, when Inna landed and retrieved her bag.

Meanwhile, I went back through a security checkpoint into the terminal for my 7:05 departure. At the far end of an hour and a half flight to Florence, my bag jauntily popped out of the carousel, and I went outside to catch the rental car shuttle. I got no Italian “cheese” for travel within the EU.

I was a little wary of the car rental agency, since Inna’s sister and her boyfriend had just been declined by theirs. However, with my international driving permit in hand, my experience went smoothly. In a few minutes I was piloting a sizeable manual-transmission diesel Peugeot SUV onto the notoriously challenging streets of Italy, in the dark!

Fortunately, I’d downloaded offline data for Google Maps, and its directions were unambiguous and accurate. I made my way to the highway, negotiated an interchange onto the toll Autostrada, got to my local exit, and paid the toll in Euros I’d converted in Munich. But then I discovered the challenges of the Italian street network.

Oh my gawd! Ridiculously steep hillsides, blind turns every 300 meters, and roads rarely wide enough for a car and bicycle to pass, never mind two cars. In many places it’s so narrow that only one car can pass, and there are signs indicating whether cars approaching the bottleneck from one direction or the other have right of way! It reminded me of driving on Caribbean islands like St. John and St. Thomas. Although frequently maligned, I found Italian drivers predictable and safe; it’s the roads that are insane!

Eventually I found the right unmarked gate on the right tiny back road that led to the villa that Inna’s family had rented in Mezzomonte, halfway between the suburban towns of Impruneta and Grassina. At the end of a long gravel driveway between olive trees, I parked to find Inna, her mother, her father, her sister, and her sister’s boyfriend sitting outside on a terrace enjoying the evening.

After suitable greetings, I found the bedroom, unpacked, and settled in for a good night of sleep.

Sunday, May 13 2018

Everyone’s primary goal Sunday morning was to sleep off their jet lag, get settled, and stock up on groceries. That suited me, especially since I wanted my own cache of food and couldn’t rent a bike on Sunday.

When I got up, I noticed text messages from Inna’s sister, saying she and her father were leaving for the grocery. I quickly messaged back that I wanted to go with them, and wound up climbing up the hill to the gate to meet them as they waited.

They’d found a substantial grocery store in Grassina, where—after briefly trying to shop collaboratively with Inna’s foodie relatives—I strode off on my own and expeditiously got the things I needed for the week.

Back at the villa, Inna gave me a tour of the 15th century farm, which included a pool, several patios, two kitchens, a tower loft bedroom, and wood-fired bread oven. With a view over the olive trees and grape vines to the cascade of distant ridges and valleys beyond, it was picturesque and idyllic. Inna and I also appreciated the eclectic collection of foreign-language books, and the framed artwork mounted at cat’s-eye level!

We had an informal group lunch of pasta, accompanied by lots of linguistics talk that switched between Russian, Italian, English, and Spanish, with a little French, German, and Hebrew thrown in. Supper was boiled chickpeas and a tomato salad, thankfully accompanied by meatballs.

All told, a quiet day of getting settled and exploring the villa. The weather was surprisingly cool for Tuscany and partly cloudy.

Monday, May 13 2018

I got up and gathered some early-morning photos in a heavy overcast. I discovered that in such an ancient place, the gravel roads are nearly half comprised of old shards of broken pottery, so I collected a few interesting bits to take home as mementos.

Having purchased 72-hour tourist passes, the family all left for the first of three days in Florence. Having other plans, I made myself breakfast, then drove to a bike shop in nearby Falciani and rented a bike. I brought it home and took a short but effort-ful six-mile spin as a shakedown ride.

Rather than going into it here, I’ve put all the details about my cycling exploits into my Tuscany cycling blogpost on my cycling blog. Read that if you want more detail about my rental bike, rides, and impressions of Tuscany as a cycling destination.

While the family had dinner in Florence, I enjoyed having the villa to myself and making my own supper. When the family returned later that evening, they retreated directly to their respective rooms and climbed into bed.

Tuesday, May 15 2018

Inna decided to stay at the villa and spend Tuesday with me, while the others returned for another day in Florence. It was a quiet day with very English/European weather: heavy overcast, cool and breezy, with about 10 percent sun and 20 percent rain.

Inna and I made an afternoon trip to Impruneta, then off to neighboring Tavarnuzze to hit a small grocery, since Inna hadn’t come with us on Sunday. Pulling out of the parking spot, I scraped the side of the car against a plastic bollard. The barely-noticeable marks were just enough to evoke some added anxiety for the rest of the week, having heard rumors of Italian rental places aggressively charging foreigners for damages both new and pre-existing.

Wednesday, May 16 2018

Woke up to another day of cool rain and overcast. I had to agree with our friend Noah, who compared it to Oregon. Tho to be honest, my numerous trips to the Pacific Northwest have all been graced by better weather than we had in Tuscany.

Everyone set off for a final day in Florence. Although I had little faith in the weather, I decided to attempt a modest 27-mile ride. I experienced missed turns, pouring rain, closed roads, and the route I’d downloaded from the bike shop went off-road onto impassable farm paths. I abandoned the bike shop’s route and proceeded on busier but well-paved primary roads. You can read more about the ride in my Tuscany cycling blogpost.

After returning to the villa, I made myself another chicken dinner, making best use of the villa’s limited spice selection. The family, after having difficulty with their car’s headlights the night before, got home early and made pasta carbonara for dinner, which I sampled and enjoyed, despite having eaten already.

Thursday, May 17 2018

Having exhausted their tourist passes, Inna’s sister and father took off and explored historic San Gimignano, while the others stayed at home and rested.

One of the things I’d most looked forward to was spending a day at the Giro d’Italia, a major three-week professional cycling stage race, the Italian sister event to the Tour de France. Stage 12 finished in Imola on Thursday, two hours’ drive each way, which was as close as it would come to Florence.

However, at the exact same time as the Giro stage finish in Imola, online registration was going to open for a meditation retreat that I absolutely wanted to get into. Ironically, while meditation retreats are a haven of silence and peace, they’re also in high demand, so the registration process can be as competitive and frenetic as trying to secure tickets to a Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin concert. If I wanted to get in, I had to be online when registration opened.

There was no way to do both, and in the end I stayed home and registered for the retreat, missing the Giro in much the same way as I’d missed the Tour de Langkawi professional bike race during my recent visit to Malaysia.

In addition, I wanted to get one last bike ride in on Thursday, because I had to return the rental the next morning. Although I’d hoped to get at least one long ride in, I had to be back at the villa by 3pm to register for the retreat.

So I set out for a short ride down into the Chianti region and back, this time following only primary roads. When the clouds opened up and poured on me again, I was glad I hadn’t planned anything more ambitious. Again, more details in the Tuscany cycling blogpost.

Supper was more pasta with the family, then a round of an Italian “spaghetti western” game called “Bang!”, followed by a silly Russian game called “Privyet Valyet”.

Friday, May 18 2018

After breakfast and a group photo, the family set off to visit Siena. I would have eagerly tagged along and checked out the Torre del Mangia—the inspiration for Boston’s Pine Street Inn and Provincetown’s Pilgrim Monument—but I had to return the bike to the rental shop. While out, I saw numerous cyclists out on the roads, enjoying what wound up being the first warm, sunny day since we’d arrived.

Back at the villa, I ran a load of laundry, checked into my flights back to Pittsburgh, and tried to eat as many of the leftover groceries as I could.

When everyone came home, a stray tuxedo cat who’d been hanging around the neighborhood showed up, so I hustled Inna outside, where she made a new friend.

The villa’s guest book advertised lots of local sights and services, and Inna’s father and sister had secretly contracted to have a recommended local chef come to the villa and prepare dinner on our last night at the villa as a surprise offering for Inna’s imminent birthday.

The menu included eggplant, gnocchi, chicken, zucchini, and ricotta. The more culinarily adventurous enjoyed it, although it was difficult for me. I would rather have selected my own food, especially right before a 21-hour journey.

Saturday, May 19 2018

For the first time in a week, the morning of our departure provided a sunny, cloudless sky, and temperatures well into the 70s.

After final packing and loading up the car, we went downstairs to the owner’s patio for a light breakfast. Inna and I had to leave for the airport at 10am, so we said our goodbyes to everyone else, as they would later drive up to Venice to spend another day or two.

Despite missing the on-ramp for the Autostrade, Inna and I got into town, returned the rental car, hopped the shuttle, and got to the airport in reasonable time. At baggage check, I got stuck behind five American girls (exchange students) and their 15 pieces of luggage, and noted that in the line and throughout the airport the population was a solid 75 percent female.

My flight (to Pittsburgh via Frankfurt and Chicago) was at 1pm, but Inna’s (to Kuala Lumpur via Amsterdam) wasn’t until 5. Because it was too early to check her bag, she was unable go through security to see me off, so we said our goodbyes and I continued to my gate, while she killed time on her own. It’ll be another 2-3 months before I see her again.

After another bus-to-the-plane and boarding, I was seated in the middle of thirty of those American girls heading home. But I did enjoy when the Lufthansa stewardess offered, “Haben sie ein schön und schnell pflug.”

90 minutes to Frankfurt, where I got my EU exit visa stamp and boarded the long 9-hour flight to O’Hare. I think it was my first time in a 747, and I wasn’t looking forward to it, since I’d had to take an internal middle seat, rather than my usual window. I was surprised to find that I was seated in a bulkhead row, and that I’d booked a “premium economy” seat, which was a noticeable upgrade from cattle car. So although I couldn’t sleep, the flight was tolerably uncomfortable…

… except for landing behind schedule, which was the beginning of O’Hare Airport Hell. Our late arrival ate 30 minutes out of my 2-hour layover, followed by an extended delay getting off the 747. I fast-walked to customs only to see a line of people waiting. Huh, a long line. No, a fucking unbelievable line! A line—with no exaggeration— two or three people wide, the length of two football fields. So much for my connection!

Somehow, the line started moving, and I eventually got through customs and immigration. From there it was all lightning-sprint through baggage claim, baggage re-check, the inter-terminal tram, through Concourse B, and the underground moving walks to Concourse C. As I reached my gate, they were boarding the last stragglers of Boarding Group 4, and I was the fourth-to-last person to board.

It was ironic that with a two-hour layover I’d barely made my connection, while we’d been very concerned about Inna having less than 90 minutes to make her connection in Amsterdam, which she made quite comfortably. But at least I made it!

The short flight to Pittsburgh was my 16th flight in the past 6 weeks, and six of those flights have been longer than 7 hours; so I was extremely happy to finally be headed home! The only remaining question was whether my checked bag was coming home, too.

To my relief, my bag was the second one out of the baggage claim carousel, proudly bearing a big orange and black “Express Connection” sticker. It being shortly after midnight local time, I was eager to get home and crash. I hopped in the car, blitzed home, greeted a very affectionate house tiger, and climbed into bed at 1am. Inna was still in the air, with 2 hours left before landing on the opposite side of the planet, followed by an hour cab ride.

Overall

With certain caveats, it was a nice trip. Our villa was exquisite and serene, with a beautiful view overlooking vineyards, fields of olive trees, and wooded Apennine ridges. The villages were full of character and charm, and the roads scenic and pleasant. I got to spend more time with Inna, while also doing the things I preferred, like exploring the area by bike. Rather than hustling through museums and restaurants and tourist meccas, I prefer luxuriating in the natural environment and intimately experiencing the countryside.

Tuscany: whether you are into cycling, art, history, architecture, or food, it’s supposed to be amazing. But with such a lofty reputation preceding it, I expected a lot, and wound up disappointed in ways that are important to me.

The weather obviously wasn’t what I’d been led to expect from Italy. The days of cold rain—which the bike shop owner described as “terrible”—severely curtailed how much I could ride, and diminished my enjoyment of what riding I did do. That might not seem like a big loss to some people, but as a cyclist it was a primary goal of my trip, which I reserved several days for.

The other cause of disappointment was the coincidental timing of the nearest Giro d’Itala stage, the opening of registration for my meditation retreat, my desire to do a long ride, the family’s expedition to Siena, and having to return the bike early on Friday. Sadly, registering for the retreat and returning the bike on time were the least interesting but most important options in that list.

While Tuscany didn’t live up to its reputation or my own expectations, it was still a worthwhile and enjoyable trip, especially for Inna, whose perspective you can get here. Despite Tuscany’s allure and reputation as a cycling paradise, after a succession of cold, wet rides, I was glad to get back home to Pittsburgh, where it’s warm and sunny at least part of the time!

Villa South Side Pano

Panorama of our villa, looking north over the hills

I wouldn’t say my mother was a natural cook, but she was willing to try anything that struck her fancy. While building her repertoire, she used an old typewriter to commit her favorites to index cards that she stored in a hinged wooden recipe box.

Over the years, I sifted through her recipe box countless times, looking for her instructions for sour cream cookies or nisu bread or the family’s traditional spaghetti sauce.

After she died—a year ago today—my brother and I sifted through her belongings, finding homes for all the things she left behind.

Naturally, I went through that recipe box, intent on preserving everything I wanted before passing it on to other family members.

At the back of the box, hidden behind everything else, was another unremarkable index card, yellowed with age like all the others. It looked like this:

A Testament

Although she didn’t note it, those lines are the final stanza of a poem called “A Testament”, published by American sculptor and poet William Wetmore Story in 1856, a hundred and sixty-two years ago.

As you can see, the index card is old and hand-typed… It had clearly been sitting in the back of that recipe box for years and years, although I had never seen it before. Perhaps she wrote it back in 1991, after her dramatic multiple-bypass surgeries, or then again, maybe some other time.

And yet why keep it there, of all places? If she had intended it to be a parting message, she could have left it in her home safe or her bank safe deposit box with all the rest of her important papers.

But if it wasn’t an intentional message, then why was this poem stored in her recipe box? That might have been a good place to leave a hidden message to her husband, but my father passed away twenty years ago.

Irrespective of whatever her design was, finding this note shortly after her death was startling. It remains no less moving, a year later.

I renounced my citizenship in the State of Maine twenty-eight years ago, when I moved away after college. Locals will tell you I’m not a real Mainer anyways; I was still “from away”, having lived there only 24 of my first 25 years.

When I left, I was eager to leave the land of poverty, ignorance, and racism behind me and start a new, adult life in Boston. I did my best to sever all ties with the land of my youth; but there was always one obligation that kept pulling me back: my parents.

For more than two dozen years, I continued making regular trips north to visit. Going back to Maine was always uncomfortable for me, like perpetually picking at the scab covering the many reasons why I’d left; it never fully healed.

That obligation to keep returning came to an end in January, when my mother passed away. My only remaining duty was last week’s interment ceremony, and the brief family gathering in her memory.

So now I can turn my back and leave Augusta for what might well be the very last time, and say perhaps my final farewell to the State of Maine.

I suppose it’s a major life passage. I left three decades ago, but this is truly the final severance of my ties to Maine. It’s the cause for a little bit of melancholy, but a much larger sense of closure, relief, and joy.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t really hate Maine… I carry treasured memories of some of the people and places and experiences of my childhood. But that chapter ended thirty years ago, and there’s no point in lingering in the vicinity of long-past adventures.

It’s futile to cling to people and places that have already undergone three or four decades of change; what’s truly important are the memories I have of them, not the present reality. And unlike the present reality, I can carry those treasured memories with me, no matter where I go.

It’s also ironic that my trip home from Maine involved driving to Boston and flying out of Logan airport. You see, my mother’s death also removed my biggest reason for coming back to pass through Boston.

So this trip was a farewell to Boston, as well. Unlike Maine, Boston is a place I dearly love, where I feel at home, and have lots of recent history that I chose to create. So I’m hoping there will be reasons to visit that bring me back in the future; I just won’t have the convenient opportunity provided by flying in on the way up to Maine.

But even in Boston, a lot of what I loved here is history, and many of the people have moved on. I guess it’s one of those lessons that only comes when one has lived long enough: that clinging to people and places from the past is futile, and the part that matters most—your memories of them—can be taken with you, wherever you choose to live.

Even if you were never to return again.

I haven’t made a lot of noise about my mother’s death in January, and I don’t intend that to change. Everyone has their own method of dealing with loss, and I feel that making a big emotional scene is about the least respectful thing I could do in most cases.

I’m also not going to devote any more space in my blog to the hardships of five months away from home, enduring a very much unwanted Maine winter. There’s no need to discuss my role as caregiver during the ups and downs of her hospitalization, my tasks arranging the funeral, dealing with probate, selling her car and furniture, closing her apartment, and wrapping up her finances. I’ll even skip over seeing members of my family and a few long-lost high school friends I caught up with.

Happy family at camp
Forceps
I can't believe it's... butter

I’ll only briefly mention the powerful sense of relief once I had all those things behind me, and how very, very, very good it has been to finally be back home.

It sounds like I’ve ruled out just about everything I could possibly write, thus obviating any need for this post. But no, there is one thing I do want to share, and that’s a handful of laughs. One of that trip’s bigger realizations was how deeply important humor is to me, and its usefulness as a way to cope with even the most stressful times.

Amidst all the difficulties of the past four months, there were a handful of precious smiles worth remembering. Here’s a few.

One morning my brother and I were at her nursing home with my mother when she required emergency transport to the hospital. When the EMTs showed up, I briefed them on her condition, what medication she was on and when she had last taken each, the measures the nursing home had taken in response to her situation, and so forth. I was apparently so organized and on top of the medical lingo that—as I later found out—they actually thought I was the resident doctor!

During her emergency room trips, my brother and I sometimes hung out in the ER’s little kitchen area. Being me, I snooped through their cupboards and was surprised to find a gallon jug of molasses. Wondering what the heck they’d need so much molasses for, I consulted Google and immediately regretted it. Whatever you do, *DO* *NOT* google “emergency room molasses”!

At one point she was in the cardiac unit and a nurse and I were helping her walk. She fainted in our arms, and since the nurse was unable to reach a call button, she slapped a button pinned on her uniform. “CODE YELLOW, CCU ROOM 1! CODE YELLOW, CCU ROOM 1!” blared over the intercom and more than a dozen doctors and nurses ran into the room. Apparently “code yellow” is their shorthand for “patient out of control”, normally used for unruly or violent situations; kind of silly for an unconscious 90 year-old!

She was in and out of the hospital several times, occupying a dozen different rooms. However, after a two week stay in Room 118, her next readmission was coincidentally right back in to the same familiar room.

At one point, a prisoner from some local jail was in for treatment, with a policeman posted outside his room. His family brought a cat in with them for a visit, which is pretty surprising to begin with, in a hospital. But apparently the cat got loose in the middle of the night, resulting in a penitentiary-style lockdown of the ward and all the patient rooms until they recaptured it!

Whenever a newborn was delivered in obstetrics, they played a lullaby tune over the intercom. My mother enjoyed hearing it, although it felt very odd to hear it playing during two of my mother’s worse sessions.

The hospital allows visiting family to raid the small kitchens in the ward, so my brother and I started enjoying free ice creams during our occasional opportunities to step out of her room. I joked that I was doing my part to increase US healthcare costs.

One of the few things my mother would reliably eat was milkshakes, made with two cups of ice cream. So when the floor ran out of ice cream, my brother and I blamed her (even if we’d eaten more than our fair share)!

The doctors also ordered that the staff keep tabs on my mother’s blood sugar levels. We joked that it was because so much of their ice cream had disappeared…

It confused the hell out of me that I couldn’t buy a sugared cola drink anywhere in the entire facility: not on the floors, not in the ER, not in the cafeteria or coffee shop, nor in any of their vending machines. Apparently sugar is strictly verboten! But I couldn’t square that with all the free ice cream stocked on the floors for patients and family!

Ordering lunch one day from “Room Service” (when I worked there as a high school student, it was called “Dietary”), my mother wanted tomato soup. Asked if she wanted a bowl or a cup of soup, mom asked for a bowlful of tomato soup, but in a cup…

Auto-on, motion-detecting faucets… Great for keeping one’s hands sanitary, but a complete disaster when they’re placed in the only open section of countertop in the room. On multiple times someone would move mom’s dinner tray to the counter next to the sink, only to have the faucet helpfully spray the tray, the person, and entire room with water.

Although we came to know most of the hospital staff by name, one day a new nurse came in. Seeing two guests, she asked, “Husband and son, I presume?” Yeah, no. My brother might be aging, but he was still 22 years younger than my mother. I might better understand “Son and grandson”, since there’s nearly a full generation between he and I…

Her treatment included regular doses of morphine, which naturally zonked her out. Even at her worst, just before a new dose she would relate a list of things like medications that the nurse should know about and take care of before she “lost time” due to the effects of the morphine. My mother was always both very organized and very much a take-charge person.

She had been a lifelong nurse, so there were some things in life that were normal for us but which seem strange in retrospect. For example, most kitchens have a pair of tongs for grabbing hot items like baked potato or corn on the cob. We didn’t have that… Mom had several old pairs of stainless steel surgical forceps that she used for cooking!

And finally, the thing I think is ludicrous but which no one else seems to appreciate. Mom would naturally use empty cans or plastic containers to store stuff in. In cleaning out her freezer, I came across a couple plastic tubs that originally held a spread product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”, which my mother used for storing… (wait for it…) butter! Doh!

These were the kinds of things that kept us on our toes and provided brief moments of much-needed levity during an incredibly stressful time. Looking back, some of them remind me that my mother was a normal person. Normal people have all kinds of quirks and idiosyncrasies, which you discover during the rare times when you have to pore over their belongings in detail.

Sweet '16

Jan. 4th, 2017 05:34 pm

I suppose an end-of-year update is in order, since I haven’t posted to my main blog since last August.

It’s ironic that my last post covered Inna’s and my summertime trip to Maine, visiting my mother as well as my brother, who had made his annual trip from his west coast home on Vancouver Island.

Ironic because for more than three months now I’ve been back in Maine, caretaking my mother, who has repeatedly bounced back and forth between hospital and nursing home. After several weeks managing it alone, my brother joined me here, so we’re both dealing with another unwanted Maine winter. The only person missing from making this a full repeat of our summer visit is Inna, whom I’ve barely seen at all since last September.

Hibernal Augusta

So no Inna, no biking, no Begemot, no job hunt, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas. In their place there’s nothing but snow, ice, and freezing cold, amidst long, dark months spent inhabiting Maine’s fine medical institutions.

It’s hard to look forward more than a day or so. Mom’s health is a perpetual roller-coaster ride; meanwhile, there’s the added stressors of managing her finances, trying to dispose of her accumulated belongings, finding a nursing home placement for her in Pittsburgh, and figuring out how to transport her there. And lo! here comes tax season, when I get to file taxes for two!

To make this vacation extra fun, over the holidays I contracted a really nasty influenza. While that gave me recourse to avoid holiday familial obligations, it cost a solid two weeks of weakness, nausea, coughing, and other unpleasant symptoms that I’m just coming out of.

And I have to admit a very deep-seated depression regarding the election and the prognosis for American democracy. For whatever misguided reasons, the people have ceded control to a selfish, petulant, xenophobic, entitled, compulsive liar who seems intent on systematically dismantling everything America once stood for: quaint, 19th century concepts like truth, ethics, democracy, justice, rule of law, fairness, rationality, integrity, respect, and compassion. It’s astonishing and demoralizing to anyone who still believes in those averred American values.

Welcome 2017

Meanwhile, the people—from whom all power emanates—stay willfully and myopically focused on things that don’t really matter. It was painful to see so many people wishing “Good riddance to 2016”. If the loss of Prince and Princess Leia (sic) upset you that much, then I have some sobering news for you: 2017 and the complete trainwreck of a “post-ethics” Drumpf Presidency is gonna make your hated 2016 feel like a goddamn Carnival cruise.

So, yeah. Happy new year.

And now, just to be a complete contrarian, I present some frontend-tech-oriented “your mama” jokes. We assure you that no mamas were hurt while composing this entry.

HTML-oriented:

  • Your mama’s got a really big <body>.
  • Your mama’s got no <head>!
  • Your mama’s just an <object>.
  • Your mama’s a <sub>.
  • Your mama’s got no parent element.
  • Your mama’s value attribute is set to zero.

CSS-oriented:

  • Your mama’s got no style.
  • Your mama’s got no class!
  • Your mama’s width is 110%!
  • Your mama exceeds her max-width!
  • Your mama’s got too much bottom-padding...
  • Your mama’s got her overflow: visible.
  • Your mama’s so easy she’s got a negative z-index!

Other tech-oriented:

  • Your mama’s got such a regular expression.
  • Your mama’s got an out of date plugin.
  • Your mama’s a vector shape, and she looks like somebody’s been draggin’ her handles…

And yes, your mama floats right, too!

Prologue

There are times in life when you get the lightest taste of something, and you know it's important. You see a person and you know your fates are intertwined. You see a place from afar and you know that someday you'll be there.

This particular story begins nearly six years ago. In January of 2008, my employer sent a handful of us to the Caribbean to work for a client in St. Thomas. On our first flight down, my coworker Eric and I flew to San Juan and took a tiny Cessna for the 60-mile hop to St. Thomas.

Halfway through that flight, we passed over a tiny island dominated by a large crescent cove and the most breathtaking beach I've ever seen, backed by a large lagoon. Three more huge stretches of empty sand revealed themselves as we continued to fly eastward. Instantly intrigued, I whipped out my camera and got a quick shot of it as we flew past.

Even while working in tropical St. Thomas, I did the research to learn that the island was called Culebra and the beach was Flamenco Beach: consistently rated as one of the best and most exotic beaches in the entire world. It was ranked number one in Travel & Leisure magazine's World's Best Islands 2013, and at the top of Travelust's Little Known Dream Islands.

In addition to St. Thomas, during my six months in the US Virgin Islands we visited St. John, plus the British Virgin Islands of Tortola, Jost Van Dyke, and Virgin Gorda. However, despite being only 20 miles away, we never stopped at Culebra, which like Vieques is formally part of Puerto Rico. But that image of a huge sandy crescent remained with me. I knew I'd go back; I just had no idea when.

Fast forward a half dozen years, as I sat with an impending milestone birthday. I wanted to do something special to commemorate my 50th year. Something really memorable and meaningful that I would treasure for the rest of my life.

The answer was obvious: I was going to Culebra!

The island is just seven miles long and three miles wide. That's about the same size as three of Boston's Logan airports. The entire population is 1800 people. Although the island does a good tourist business, it's too remote to support any big hotels or tourist industry; the entire inventory of guest rooms is "a few hundred", and many visitors simply camp out on Flamenco Beach.

Part of the reason the tourist trade is so modest is because it's really hard to get to. If you don't have your own boat, you have to take an on-again off-again ferry from a far corner of Puerto Rico, or you can take a commuter flight from San Juan and navigate an approach through an off-camber mountain pass before making a hard left and landing on a tiny 2600-foot runway that can't accept anything larger than a 10-person prop-driven aircraft. Just getting there is an adventure!

Unfortunately, it might have been a little more of an adventure than I bargained for. Two weeks before my trip, one of those commuter aircraft from tiny nine-plane Air Flamenco—the "airline" I was flying with—took off from Culebra and crashed into the sea nearby, killing the pilot, who fortunately was the sole occupant. And—thanks to the right-wing extremists holding the US government hostage at the time—the FAA and NTSB did not investigate the crash. Having that happen just before my vacation certainly prompted additional thoughts about my own mortality!

On the other hand, the challenge of getting there has kept the island relatively pristine and unspoiled by the rapacious development that has largely destroyed St. Thomas and many other Caribbean jewels. There are no chain restaurants, none of the large mainstream businesses, and only one bank. But with a dozen beaches and a casual, friendly vibe, Culebra is still the island paradise that other islands can only market themselves as.

It's something of a dangerous paradise though, and as the date of my trip approached, a number of events prompted thoughts for my health, safety, and mortality. Aside from my entrance into my sixth decade and the Air Flamenco crash and the US government being shut down by partisan politics, I was also arriving during hurricane season. In the days before my flight, there were three earthquakes just north of the island, and a lunar eclipse, which would be followed by a solar eclipse while I was down there. The island also ran short of both milk and gasoline due to astronomical tides that stopped the ferry from running. And I could expect the usual vicious acacia thorns and numerous manchineel trees, which are one of the most deadly poisonous plants in existence. And did I mention that Culebra was used for US military gunnery and bombing practice for 36 years? So if you venture off the normal paths, you might well have an unpleasant encounter with some long-forgotten UE (unexploded ordnance). Danger Island, indeed!

Nonetheless, I was looking forward to getting away from it all, and the timing couldn't have been better. I was under a lot of stress from multiple sources: a water leak from my upstairs neighbor, my mother developing a mysterious illness, loss of my job and uncertainty about my next position, negotiating a legal release with my former employer, issues filing for unemployment and finding new health insurance, getting my former health insurer to cover expenses for my ER visit after my bike crash, and my suspicion that my brand new bike had a cracked frame that might not be covered by the manufacturer's warranty.

Ironically, with all this other stuff going on, I really didn't have time to give any thought to turning fifty!

So despite my trepidation about the upcoming commuter flight, I was pretty glad to get away from my normal life for a couple weeks!

Thursday, 24 October 2013

After staying up late to watch the Red Sox romp to victory in the first game of the World Series, I got up early to say goodbye to Grady the cat and make my way to Logan airport. My cabbie complained about an encounter he'd had with the cops for the entire ride.

Once I acclimated to the toxic level of perfume and cologne on the Puerto Ricans in the cabin, my four-hour flight to San Juan was fine, aside from some mid-flight turbulence.

I had about three hours in San Juan, but I also had to get from the big international airport to the tiny general aviation one. Knowing I probably wouldn't have time to find dinner at a restaurant in Culebra, I inhaled some snacks before grabbing a cab and leaving SJU.

My cabbie was Johnathan (sic), a hyper, 30-ish stoner who immediately offered me any kind of candy I wanted from the bags and boxes filling the front passenger seat. He also (while driving, of course) piled me high with two maps of Puerto Rico, a map of San Juan, another of Culebra, a ferry schedule, and his business card!

The cab ride wasn't long, and I stepped out and into the Isla Grande airport lobby. If you've been to the airport in Augusta Maine, it's about the same size: maybe 20 plastic chairs in a 20- by 30-foot room, and that's it.

I had plenty of time, and watched as one customer haggled with the pilot of the next flight to Culebra about leaving early… but not until his family of five returned from having lunch at a nearby restaurant. I identified myself to the attendant as a passenger on the 4:30pm flight. They weighed my bag and I sat back down and started reading.

After about half an hour, the guy's family showed up, and the pilot took them and their copious luggage out to the plane. It took me a moment to realize that although it was only 3:30, that might well be the last I see of my 4:30 flight: the last of the day. So I ran up to an attendant and made noises that I was supposed to be on that plane, and joined the rest of the passengers. Apparently the airline that just lost a plane had no compunctions about mislaying one of their passengers, either!

The seven of us (the family, myself, and the pilot) all wedged ourselves into the cabin of an aircraft that was smaller than many SUVs I've ridden in. Unfortunately, I was in the back, between the fixed landing gear struts, so I wasn't going to get any scenic views as we landed in Culebra. On the other hand, given my past experiences with small planes and Air Flamenco's recent history, I was willing to give that up in exchange for a safe landing.

I white-knuckled the entire flight, but despite a few ups and downs the flight went well. I didn't get much of a view of Flamenco Beach, but I clearly saw how close we were to the treetops as we passed between the two hills just in front of the runway. After a left-hand slide, we managed a painless touchdown, given a 15 mph crosswind, and taxied to the terminal. I was safe, and I was finally on the island!

I checked my cell phone and discovered that I had unexpectedly good reception. But I also learned that due to my early arrival, the woman who runs the guesthouse I was staying at wouldn't able to pick me up. That was fine, because the guesthouse is only across the street, and it was silly that she'd drive over to pick me up.

On the other hand, I made the mistake of relying on memory rather than GPS, and was initially off by one street. The unfortunate penalty for this oversight was a sweaty, unnecessary climb up one of those ridiculously steep island roads. Eventually I came to my senses and found my way back to the guesthouse, where the proprietress showed me my room and answered my questions. The wifi was good, the A/C was great, and the bed sure felt like a good place to be!

Unpacking was a bit of work; in addition to the backpack I'd taken as a carryon, I also went through three boxes of stuff that I'd mailed down a week earlier, to conform with the 25-pound baggage weight limit on Air Flamenco's tiny plane.

I was still headachey from the perfume-filled flight to San Juan, so I instead of exploring the island by foot in the dark in search for an open restaurant, I decided to stock up at the convenience store two blocks away and recover from a tiring day of travel. The wifi was fast enough to stream coverage of the World Series, and I sat up to watch the Red Sox lose a heart-breaking Game 2 before turning in.

However, for most of my visit, rest didn't come easy. The guesthouse is in a typical Puerto Rican neighborhood, which meant blaring music, people driving by yelling announcements in Spanish from truck-mounted loudspeakers, and yells and whistles from the basketball gym across the street. Late at night, these were eclipsed by ridiculously loud and persistent peepers. Then, by 3am the horrible cacophony of wild roosters crowing started up. Even earplugs (which I used every night; thank god I had them!) were of no use for the latter.

Friday, 25 October 2013

I felt a lot better after a shower the next morning. At 8am I walked down the street to Carlos Jeep Rental and picked up a maroon two-door. Jeeps are totally the right vehicle for the islands, and I really enjoy them. The only issue was that they stiffed me by giving me a vehicle with less than half a tank of gas. I contemplated making a fuss, but it wasn't worth the hassle of being forced into playing the role of complaining gringo; I'd rather they thought I was just another clueless tourist instead.

Now that I had my wheels, I could put Day One's plan into effect. I wanted to go into town and exchange some large bills at the bank, then I'd drive around the island, both to get familiar navigating the roads as well as to scout out several of the more convenient beaches, so that I could formulate a plan for my time.

I came back to the guesthouse and chatted with Susan before setting off. I parked just before reaching town, and it was very lucky that I did! As I walked down the single main street, the way was jammed with emergency vehicles and people in pink tee shirts. Apparently I'd stumbled right into the middle of a cancer charity parade through town! As I walked along, I saw a kids' marching band, followed by a pack of Caribbean-styled majorettes, a Carnival-style truck "sound system", and a couple ladies decked out in huge Carnival-style costumes. Quite an unexpected sight!

While this was going on, I ducked into the only bank on the island. Happily, the cashier didn't bat an eye when I asked her to turn six $100 bills into 60 fives and 300 ones. Mission complete! Yay!

After following the parade down the street and taking a few photos, I found myself in front of the tiny post office, so I picked up two boxes to replace the ones I'd mailed things down in, since they were beat up and might not have survived a second mailing back home. By then, the parade had passed my parking spot, so I was able to drive through town and out another road to hit the first beach of my visit: Playa Melones.

Melones is just outside of town and right on the road, but it's not much of a beach. It's tiny and rocky; its only redeeming features are that it's easy to get to, and it has decent snorkeling. At that time, there was no one there.

Since I wasn't going into the water, I immediately broke out my camera and started taking photos. I started clambering over a rock and shouldered some branches aside when I realized I was touching what looked like a manchineel tree: a tree so deadly that merely sheltering under it in a rainstorm can send you to the hospital!

I immediately rinsed my face in the ocean and toweled it off, and fretted. Wouldn't it be awesome if I managed to get my face blistered within my first hour at the beach? Since the guesthouse was on the way to the next beach, I stopped by washed my face with soap and water. Fortunately, the fretting all went for naught, but I didn't know that at the time.

Having done as much as I could about the manchineel, I resumed my scouting mission. My next target was Playa Tamarindo, which is near Flamenco Beach, but over a steep hill and down a rutted side road. Like Melones, the road goes right up to the beach, which makes it a favorite of locals, and there were probably a couple dozen people there, including families and kids as well as a kayak rental operation. It was much larger than Melones, but still narrow and mostly rocky. Nothing I'd be interested in, except perhaps for snorkeling.

Since I was already nearly there, my next stop was Flamenco Beach: the sight of which on a flight to St. Thomas had been the thing that piqued my interest in Culebra in the first place.

It was clearly a major commercial beach, with a small parking lot, several permanent food stands, and hawkers renting beach umbrellas. However, once you got to the beach, all that was forgotten. The arc of soft, pure white powder is really breathtaking, and it's so immense that despite there being a few people there on a Friday afternoon, you could easily find plenty of room far away from everyone else. I walked the beach to the left, getting photos of two rusting tanks left over from the naval bombardment days.

Basically, Flamenco is pretty much everything they say it is: arguably the best beach in the Caribbean. But I wanted to save more exploration for a weekday when it would be even less populated.

Being at Flamenco also gave me access to two more remote beaches. In the forgotten back corner of the parking lot, behind a locked cyclone fence and a warning sign, is an overgrown path that leads over a ridge and down to two beaches that cannot be reached by road. It was a sweaty 20-minute hike through thorny underbrush, but the destination was well worth it.

The trail ends at a rocky point with crescent beaches on each side. The first is on the left: Tamarindo Grande. It's a nice long, narrow beach that's more sand than rock, and there's a small outcropping and rocks to the far left. It was a little windy and there was some surf, but nothing unmanageable. The tides had definitely thrown up some trash on the beach, but there was also not a single other person there. While it might not be the perfect idyll, it looked like a place I'd want to return to.

Cutting back across the point to the other beach, I came out on Playa Carlos Rosario, which was quite similar: mixed rock and sand, long and narrow. I think I saw one or two people in the far distance, but otherwise I was alone. I found a shady spot to sit and do my daily meditation, although it was more a contemplation of life and ageing than the prescribed form for sitting meditation.

The hike back to Flamenco was punctuated by one of those quick-hitting three-minute tropical showers, which felt pretty nice during the sweaty climb over the ridge. When I got back to the parking lot, I went straight to the concessions and picked up a water and cola, which I promptly downed, knowing I was very dehydrated.

With the day still young, I decided to drive the entire length of the island (six or seven miles) to one of the furthest beaches: Playa Zoni. The drive passed right along the edge of the water, then looped up and down more of those ridiculous island hills, which reminding me a lot of St. John. There were moving views of the surrounding smaller islands, including familiar St. Thomas rising in the distance.

Zoni is another beach where you can drive up and park right next to the shore. It's very long and beautifully sandy, but very narrow in places. There were maybe a dozen people lounging in the shade or wading in the ocean. I walked around to the right and clambered around on the rocks that inevitably terminate the beach, then headed back home. Six beaches in one day was quite a satisfactory expedition!

Although it was only 4pm, I was hungry and thirsty. Between the crush of weekend tourists, "island time" service, and the closure of several places (Mamacita's, the Spot, Susie's, and Dingy Dock) due to it being low season, I figured I'd try to get a bite before the crowds showed up.

I wound up trying Zaco's Tacos, a tiny little bar/restaurant in town. I had a pretty good carnitas quesadilla, and downed both a limeade and a lime soda, all for just $10.

After eating, I walked to the other nearby colmado to scout it out and see if there were any groceries there that I wanted. My route took me across Culebra's one bridge, which spans a narrow canal between the protected harbor and the open bay, which saves small craft a lengthy trip around the headland that forms the southwestern portion of the island.

After finding nothing of interest at the tiny grocery store, I drove back to the guesthouse to write up my notes, download my photos, and form a strategy for the next day. Fortunately, there was no World Series game, so I turned in at a normal time and got a little bit more sleep than I'd gotten on my first night on the island.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

After breakfast, I decided to spend Saturday avoiding the weekend tourist crowd by visiting the two most isolated beaches on the island: Resaca and Brava, which both required lengthy hikes.

I decided to tackle Playa Resaca first, because it was presumably the more difficult hike. I was very glad for the surefooted Jeep, because the "road" up to the trailhead was implausibly steep and very broken up. When I got to the top, I had a hard time even finding the trail! Although it was right in front of me, it looked like a small patch of razor grass that had been matted down.

Although the hike was all downhill, it was a solid half mile and horribly overgrown and nearly impossible to follow. If you had asked me, I would have guessed that no one had used the path in a year or two! It mostly followed a rocky storm runoff channel, which made the walking difficult, painful, and hazardous. In addition to treacherous rocks and thickets of razor grass, one was constantly squatting and stooping and contorting to avoid branches full of acacia thorns and, toward the end, tangles of mangroves. A machete would have made a ton of sense. And did I mention the insects? Yeah, it was a long, hard, wearying, sweaty slog.

Of course, the end justified the hike, as I emerged from a patch of sea grape onto an immense mile-long field of sand which I had completely to myself. I walked the whole length of the beach. Passing clouds sporadically hid the sun, and a very light sprinkle cooled me off, as I gauged whether the surf was swimmable.

There was a fair amount of trash (some of it interesting) in the margin, but I also came across the fresh scalloped pattern in the sand of a huge sea turtle that had come up onto the beach, nested, and returned to the sea, probably the night before.

After a long trudge up and down the beach, I faced the terrible return hike, which would be all uphill this time. It was pretty brutal, but at least now I could rely on my GPS to keep me on the same path I'd taken down. But the less said about that hike the better!

From there, I drove a few miles to the trailhead to Playa Brava, which turned out to be more readily accessible for both the car (fewer back roads and crazy hills) and for people. Although the footpath was 50 percent longer than the Resaca hike, it was more of an actual path than a jungle thicket. While it did degrade to a washed-out gully toward the end, it was still easier to follow, less rocky, and less overgrown with acacia thorns.

I finally emerged onto a beach that was a lot like Resaca: absolutely immense, and populated solely by one couple, who disappeared shortly after I arrived. The surf here was very high, and treacherous enough that one didn't even wade very much. Definitely not swimmable. The wind was very strong, blowing sand, and there was virtually no shade.

I again decided to trudge the entire length of the beach, which ended in a rocky point with a small, rocky cay (Cayo Matojo) just offshore. Just around the point was an immense ramp of stone that begged to be climbed. At the top, one looked forty feet down into a rocky cove, with Resaca visible in the far distance: a dramatic view well worth savoring.

I trudged back to the trail and was maybe half a klick from the beach when a couple approached me from the other direction. They wanted to know how much further it was, and whether it was a nice beach. Surprisingly, after having hiked nearly the entire way, they decided to turn around and go back without making it to the beach; to each his own, I guess.

Returning to the car, I desperately needed liquid, so I picked some up at the neighborhood colmado and went home for a shower and siesta. Although I'd debated hitting one more beach that day, I decided to punt on that idea.

Fortunately, I had yet to sunburn, but after trudging through the sand for the length of eight beaches in two days, plus four lengthy jungle hikes, my legs and feet were used up. I was dehydrated and covered with cuts and scrapes and a couple blisters.

I delayed supper until 8pm, when I headed in town to Heather's Pizza, where I planned to watch Game 3 of the World Series. It was crowded and it took an hour just to get a seat at the bar. Unfortunately, their specials board was gutted when they ran out of chicken, so I settled for a gnocchi, which was tasty but light on the gnocchi and way too heavy on the onion. Heather's and Zaco's would be my go-to places for the rest of the trip.

I was joined by a young slacker dude Dan, another Bostonian who had showed up unannounced at the guesthouse that morning. We chatted during the game, but he left before me. Eventually I returned to the house to watch the last of the game, which the Red Sox lost on a controversial interference call. It started looking to me like the Sox were going to pull another of their infamous end-of-season flops that frustrated their fans for so many decades.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

After two full days of beachgoing without actually getting into the water, and with my feet very beat up from hiking and beach walking, Sunday I decided to change it up and spend the day snorkeling.

My first destination was Punta Soldado, an all-rock beach that is known for its snorkeling. It would require a bit more exploration, because it was at the far southwestern corner of the island, over the bridge and the canal and beyond. The drive was very scenic, and I quickly reached the point where the road surface turns to gravel. I should have continued on in the Jeep, but the rental place emphasized not to go off pavement, and that had been confirmed by reports I'd read online. So I parked the Jeep, although in the end I totally should have driven on.

As I left the Jeep in a turnaround at the end of the road, I glimpsed an abandoned wallet and phone in the grass at the side. I decided to leave it there, in case someone had left it intentionally while swimming. I grabbed my stuff and walked another half mile down to the beach.

Online reports said the coral began by a big boulder on the left side of the beach, so I trudged down there and put in. My first dive into the water—on my third day on the island!—was refreshing and delicious.

The snorking was interesting. I didn't see a ton of wildlife, and the water seemed to have some sand suspended in it, because it wasn't as clear as I'd expected. On the positive side, the coral structures were remarkable and diverse and extensive. This was also the first time I'd used my new GoPro video camera underwater, and that seemed to work well.

After a while, I hopped out and air-dried for a while before heading back to the Jeep. I might have explored the other end of the beach, but there were a couple line fishermen there, plus a rather obvious couple swimming further along, so I gave them their space.

Back at the Jeep, the wallet was still there, so I picked it up and looked for an address to mail it to. In addition to wallet and phone, there was a couple hundred dollars, a passport, and a dozen debit and credit cards, but no driver's license, so no address. After debating whether to leave it there (perhaps the owner would come back?), I decided to drive into town and find a local police station where I could turn it in.

I needed gas anyways, and the only gas station was on the same side of the bridge, so I headed back to town and put some gas in the tank. The kid manning the store showed me where the police station was (quite nearby, also south of the bridge), and I drove down there.

At the station, the cop I turned the stuff over to was very surprised, saying that I was the first person in two years who had turned something in, because of the difference in culture in Puerto Rico. Whatever. I just wanted to do the right thing and be done with it. After a bit more conversation than I wanted, I left satisfied that at least I'd done the right thing, and anything else was beyond my control.

From there, I crossed over the bridge and through town to Melones, the tiny, unimpressive beach I'd first visited. This time, I wanted to check out the snorkeling.

It wound up being similar to Soldado: a little murky, not much marine life, but amazing coral formations. There was an area of sea grass, but no turtles inhabiting it. Climbing out and air-drying, some locals came by and started a cookout which smelled delicious, and another group came by blaring music from speakers in the back of a golf cart (a regular form of transportation there), but they thankfully left. This reinforced my opinion that Melones really is what New Englanders would call a "townie" beach.

On my drive back to the house, I spotted that guy Dan and gave him a lift, and he mentioned he was moving to cheaper lodgings. I spent the remains of the afternoon snacking, showering, and having a bit of a siesta before returning to Zaco's for a burrito. I was kind of headachey, and went back to the house to climb in bed and watch the Red Sox win Game 4.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Monday was a rest day. I wanted to let my feet and legs heal, and take a break from so much sun exposure. I figured I'd go out late in the day for a bit of snorkeling and then photograph the sunset. So I hung around the house until a little after noon.

At that point I went into town to find lunch, which was a failure; everything was closed for a good rest after the weekend tourists had gone home. I stopped by the grocery store and stocked up and headed back to the guesthouse.

When 4pm rolled around, I headed out to Tamarindo, where the snorking was okay. There wasn't much reef, just a ton of sea grass, which usually means turtles, but none were in evidence. I did see a couple rays, which I've never seen before.

After a while I got out of the water and walked the beach. As I waited, I realized that it was the last day of my forties, and appreciated the symbolism of watching the sun set on another decade of my life. Then I got my cameras ready for the oncoming sunset, which turned out pretty nice. I got a number of good stills with my dSLR, and a time-lapse movie with the GoPro.

However, as the sun disappeared, I got mauled by biting insects, mostly on the legs, which soon looked pretty bad, between dozens of bug bites and thorn scratches and abrasions from my sandals.

Since everything was closed, Monday was a good day to cook at home, and I made a fettucini marinara from ingredients I'd bought earlier, although I wasn't especially fond of the canned sauce. Then it was time for another World Series game, where the Red Sox advanced to a 3-2 series lead before returning to Boston for the final game(s).

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

So, my birthday. The biggest thing I want on my birthday—and one of the reasons I made the trip to Culebra—is to be left alone. So the first thing I did after getting up was to turn off Facebook and my IM client, so that those avenues of communication would be unavailable to people.

My original plan was to spend the day snorkeling and hanging out at Tamarindo Grande and Carlos Rosario, the two beaches that are a 20-minute hike from the Playa Flamenco parking lot. I thought about checking out Flamenco along the way, but I wanted to limit my sun exposure.

But during the short drive out, it became clear that it was going to be a mostly cloudy day anyways. That meant I didn't need to worry about the sun, and that underwater visibility would be reduced for snorkeling. Combined with my antipathy toward another hike, by the time I got to the parking lot my plan had changed to spending the day at Flamenco. There would be fewer people there too, since it was a Tuesday.

That, of course, made perfect sense. After all, the inspiration for this entire trip had been seeing Flamenco from the air on the way to St. Thomas back in 2008. Why wouldn't I spend my 50th birthday on the most beautiful stretch of beach in the Caribbean?

So that's what I did. I arrived at about 10am and walked down the strand to find a broad stretch of sand all to myself. Aside from an hour of meditation, I spent nearly all of the next six hours in the water.

There was a nice surf providing great waves, which is one of the delights of swimming in the ocean. I parked myself right where the waves broke, which provided me with an optimal ride. While most were three or four feet, occasionally a big wave would lift me eight feet or more as it roared past.

It was basically everything I try to experience on Cape Cod after my Pan-Mass Challenge rides, only perfected: the water was warm and clear, there was no seaweed, there weren't any rocks, the sun was warm, and I had all the time in the world to enjoy it.

I'd brought my GoPro into the water with me, and took a lot of video footage as I played around in the waves. At one point, I thought it'd be cool to get a video of myself with an approaching wave cresting in the background. Unfortunately, the wave I got was much larger than I'd expected, and it crested and crashed right on top of me, violently throwing me around in the surf. Fortunately, I managed to hold onto the camera, which provided great video, but the wave had knocked my sunglasses off.

I searched for them, but after several minutes I had to admit defeat. Given how dynamic the wave action was, most likely they were either buried in the sand or had been carried away from the beach in the undertow. After half an hour of looking, I tried to estimate the odds of my finding them and concluded that it was a one in 5,000 shot.

It was inconvenient, but okay. I'd bought those glasses only a dozen miles from there, and if they were purchased in St. Thomas and then lost in Culebra, that somehow completed a cycle. They had served me very well in the intervening six years, and I was planning on replacing them in the spring anyways.

Of course, once I started thinking that my sunglasses were an appropriate tribute to leave at Flamenco, I saw something dark and round below me in five feet of water. Either it was my sunglasses, a rock, or a horseshoe crab. I reached out with my toes and grabbed… my sunglasses! Flamenco had decided to return them after all!

Of course, all this splashing around was accompanied by ruminations about the big birthday. Spending six hours floating in the ocean prompted an odd comparison with amniotic fluid. Another thought occupying my mind was the idea that we spend half our life building our strength and power, and the other half learning how to let that strength and power all disappear from our grasp.

Toward late afternoon the sun came out, and I picked up a little more color, so I made my way back to the Jeep, where three stray cats presented me with a litany of demands. Then I drove back the house, where I showered before a trip into town to pick up two pepperoni and garlic slices of pizza at Heather's. I also posted to Facebook a great still photo that I'd extracted from the video of the wave that claimed my sunglasses crashing over me. With no World Series game, I was able to turn in before midnight, which was a pleasant change.

Obviously, the main reason for this trip was to make sure I had a memorable and enjoyable day, far away from anyone who might know it was my 50th birthday. Although I hadn't planned on spending the day at Flamenco, the weather conspired to ensure that it was the optimal thing to do. It was completely appropriate, and an absolute blast, and it will indeed be one of the most pleasant memories I carry with me.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

When I first scouted Playa Zoni, I hadn't spent much time there or walked the full length of the beach. But I'd known I was going back, because of a little secret I'd learned just before my trip.

Like pretty much all of the beaches here, Zoni's arc of sand is terminated at either end by a rocky point. But if you go all the way to the left (a pretty long trek) and clamber over the rocks, you come around the point to a tiny little hidden jewel that few people seem to know about called (alternately) Playa Tortuga or Playa Tortolo.

The beach might be only 50 yards long, but it's an idyllic little crescent with great views of Cayo Norte, Culebrita, and even St. Thomas in the distance. There isn't a single sign of human habitation in sight except for the abandoned lighthouse atop a high hill on Culebrita.

Of course, on a Wednesday I had the entire beach to myself for the day, which included an awesome extra feature. Someone had taken an eight-foot driftwood log and suspended it on ropes between two sea grape trees, forming an excellent swing and a perfect shady refuge from the brutal Caribbean sun. As I hung out there, I saw several moderately-sized lizards wandering around the undergrowth, and one passed right by me.

Although the surf was pretty tame, I spent plenty of time swimming. At one point I even lost my sunglasses (yes, a second time), which had been stowed in a pocket in my bathing suit. Fortunately, they were more easily recovered this time!

Eventually the sun went behind a cloud, and I moseyed back around the point to the other end of Zoni. The beach wasn't very wide and there were numerous rocks nestling in the surf zone. After a while more, I drove back to the house, showered, and grabbed a supper of chicken quesas at Zaco's.

Then back home to watch the Red Sox close out the first World Series victory in Fenway Park in 95 years… on the day after my 50th birthday! Not exactly the present I was hoping for, but it's certainly nice icing on the cake!

Thursday, 31 October 2013

After six beach days in a row, I woke up without much enthusiasm for hitting the sand, plus it was overcast with occasional rain. I spent most of the day hanging around the guesthouse, relaxing and recovering.

I did make one trip to the colmado, and another into town to fill up the Jeep. While there, I wandered around looking for interesting photos to take, but that was the limit of my activity until evening.

It was Halloween, and local bar Dinghy Dock (yes, it is on a dock, and people do arrive and tie up their little launches) was having a costume party for their re-opening after having been closed for the low season. Having known something would be up, I'd brought a costume of my own to wear: a Devo tee shirt, red plastic Energy Dome, and a toy whip. I changed up and headed down to the party.

Given that I was a complete stranger in a crowd of people who knew one another, I tended to hang back from the conversations. I did talk to a few people, and took a few photos, but not many, since the two sets of Li-ion batteries I'd brought for my flash died surprisingly quickly. It seemed like an ever-changing crowd, as a lot of people came and went, and I eventually chose to do the same. It was interesting and I'm glad I checked it out, but parties where I'm the only person who doesn't know everyone else aren't very fun or easy.

Friday, 1 November 2013

The arrival of Friday November First meant that I'd had my rental Jeep for a full week, so the first thing I did in the morning was return it to the rental company. Then I sat around for a bit, waiting for my other rental to appear.

You could hear the Thing coming a few blocks away. And when I say "Thing", that's not a typo; I'd rented a Volkswagen Thing™ from a guy named Dick who maintains a collection of them on the island.

If you're not familiar with the Thing, you've got a treat in store. You probably already know that back in 1934, Adolph Hitler commissioned Ferdinand Porsche (yes, that Porsche) to design the Volkswagen Beetle, the longest-running and most produced car design ever.

Well, in 1938 Hitler tapped Porsche again to design a lightweight military vehicle: essentially the same idea as a Humvee, or the American Jeep that was its contemporary. Volkswagen eventually produced the Nazi staff car known as the Kübelwagen, which was largely built around the Beetle chassis.

In the late 1960s, the Kübelwagen was resurrected as a lightweight off-road vehicle for both military and civilian use. It was marketed in the US as a highly-customizable fun vehicle; you could remove the doors, the canvas top, even the windshield, then paint it in garish colors and have an instant Hippie pad in much the same vein as the VW Microbus. It was only sold in the US for two years because it couldn't pass increasingly more stringent safety regulations.

With that as background, how could I resist renting an authentic Nazi staff car, designed by Ferdinand Porsche, with all the retro chic of a real 1970s Hippie-mobile?

Of course, I knew better than to rely on a 40 year old antique for my sole transportation, so my plan had been to rent a modern Jeep for a week—to get the weekly rate—and then rent a Thing for the remaining four days of my trip.

As I waited, certified Hippie Dick, who rents VW Things to tourists, drove up to the guesthouse in his Smiley-face yellow Nazi staff car. He drove me back to his house, where I dropped him off, received instructions about the idiosyncrasies of driving a 75 year old car, and took the helm.

I'm not sure I can communicate the experience of driving a Thing. It's like driving a kid's go-kart that happens to have a manual 4-speed transmission. It's like driving a toy kit vehicle made in the 1930s and assembled by a particularly drunk parent late on Christmas eve. It has ineffective brakes and steering that is so loose that user input is a mere course suggestion, rather than direct mechanical control. It's flimsy like a paper airplane, finicky as a mule, and louder than the twin turboprop airplane I flew to the Culebra on.

On the other hand, it is the perfect vehicle for the island, where you see more golf carts on the roads than production automobiles. At $40 a day it was a cheap rental, a fun and unique experience that cannot be duplicated anywhere, and a stylish ride (in a very garish and retro sort of way).

After a stop at home to grab my gear, I was off to the Flamenco parking lot, where I realized I'd forgotten to bring Gatorade along, so I made a second trip back to the guesthouse. By the time I returned to Flamenco, my body memory of driving a stick had come back. Although driving the 40-horsepower Thing wasn't quite the same as my old 150-horsepower sport coupe, at least I could make the bugger move, even if it felt like it was going to shake apart in the street when I got it up to a hair-tousling 30 mph…

Having successfully mastered the art of Thinging, I set off on the hike over the ridge to Tamarindo Grande and Carlos Rosario. As I approached the padlocked gate leading to the path, an older couple came out. Apparently they, like the young couple I'd met on the Brava path, had done nearly the entire hike, then given up and turned around. I shook my head; I don't understand people who set out on moderate physical challenges, but then give up just before reaching the payoff. Do or do not; there is no "try"!

After passing Tam Grande, I emerged from the undergrowth at Carlos Rosario: reportedly the best snorkeling spot on the island. There was one other couple there, and a couple other groups arrived later, all snorkelers. I didn't waste any time stowing my stuff and getting into the water.

As I swam to the north side of the sandy beach area, I approached a tall wall of coral which rose from a depth of 30 feet or more. I followed that wall quite a ways before passages through it appeared, the reef having grown in a pattern similar to fingers jutting out into the ocean. The visibility was pretty good, despite a partly cloudy day.

The coral is indescribable. It's huge in extent and diversity, and well populated with aquatic life. After a while, I crossed back over the mostly lifeless sandy area to explore the south side of the beach, which also had some fascinating coral growth, if not as extensive as "the wall". I won't bore you with all the different types of coral and fish I saw, but I was amazed, particularly by the schools of blue tang.

One thing to bear in mind at Rosario is that it's not for beginners. There is wave action, and since the coral grows in places to within a foot of the surface, waves often break over it. It required some judgement and skill to swim the narrow channels between the walls of coral without getting thrown into them by the changing currents as waves and changing currents flow through the passages within the reef.

After a couple lengthy snorking excursions, I headed back to Tamarindo Grande, which is on the opposite side of a rocky point of land. I walked down to the rocky outcrop I'd visited on my scouting trip a week before and carefully put in. There's no sandy beach area there, so I had to carefully navigate a shallow and narrow channel of coral before emerging into a sandy patch offshore that runs parallel to the beach.

The snorkeling here was interesting too, with lots of varieties of fans, and coral growing in piers with channels between them, much like at Rosario, but smaller. Further out, sea grass grew in deeper water, and might be a good location to find turtles.

Unfortunately, as I glided along I noticed several near-transparent jellyfish hovering near the surface, which instantly turned me off. Having experienced jellyfish stings in my time on St. Thomas, I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of a repeat, so I aborted my snorking at Tamarindo Grande. I climbed out and dried off on one of the volcanic rocks before heading back to the path.

The rest of the day was pretty laid-back. I debated going into town for dinner, but couldn't work up the initiative. Besides, I wasn't sure I wanted to drive the Thing in the dark. It was a quiet evening at home, which was fine.

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Friday night brought heavy rain, but as usual in the islands, it didn't last until morning. With the weekend upon us, it was time for me to return to the more isolated beaches in an effort to avoid the tourist crowd.

I had thought about going to Resaca, but I didn't have much confidence that the VW Thing could make it up the ridiculously steep ascent to the trailhead, and I wasn't very excited by the idea of repeating that insane hike. So I punted and went to Brava, which had been nearly as empty last weekend, but with an easier drive and an easier hike, as well!

That didn't mean the hike was painless, though. The overnight rain had turned much of the trail into slick mud, and I was sweating heavily by the time I emerged onto the strand, where four guys were out surfing on the huge swells that had accompanied the rain.

I once again walked the length of the immense beach to the rocky point, the whole time admiring the power and noise of the huge surf. I got some good video of the area, including the little cay just offshore and the view from the rocky overlook around the end of the point.

I also tempted fate by twice getting into the water for short swims in the big breakers. I didn't think there were any rip currents, both from visual inspection and watching the flotsam in the surf zone. Still, I wasn't especially comfortable trusting such heavy surf, especially when I was alone and after a couple of waves threw me around. Perhaps counter-intuitively, it was more difficult getting into the water than getting out, when one could simply ride a wave in by body surfing and then sprinting through the wash.

After a while in the hot sun, I made the long sandy trudge back across the beach, then the long wooded trudge up to the car. After a run to the grocery store, the rains returned just before dinnertime.

That posed a dilemma for me: either punt on dinner for a second day in a row, or drive the Thing in the rain. Did I mention that the Thing has no side windows? And no rear window? And only a canvas roof, which like a tent sags and lets water pool on top.

It was a wet drive into town, where I walked down to Zaco's Tacos, which displayed a prominent "Closed" placard. Damn! From there, I walked a couple blocks down to Heather's, which was fortunately open. Strangely, it was nearly empty of customers on a Saturday night, so I pulled up a bar stool and checked out the televisions. When the bartender came, I ordered the chicken alfredo, which really hit the spot, after having wanted it days earlier, when they had been out of chicken. So that made for a very satisfying dinner.

Walking back to the car, the downtown appeared to be completely dead: no one on the street, and no cars driving around. It didn't make sense that a little rain would be enough to shutter the town, but whatever. I drove the Thing home, then watched the New England Revolution jump out to a 2-1 lead in their first playoff game in four years.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Sunday there was a 2-hour partial solar eclipse (61 percent obscuration in Culebra) which started 20 minutes before sunrise, so I got up early to "watch". That was pretty pointless, because it was heavy overcast with the occasional tropical downpour, so there was no show. Too bad! Meanwhile, this marked the most rain Culebra had received since May.

Ironically, the eclipse happened on the same morning that the US "fell back" to daylight saving time, which Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands do not observe. So we went from being the same time as Boston to an hour later than Boston.

Sunday was also the day of the Pan-Mass Challenge check presentation. While waiting for the rains to pass, I saw a story that reported a $39 million gift to the Jimmy Fund, which is a new record and the largest gift ever given to charity by an athletic fundraising event. It was a proud moment, but commentary on that belongs in my 2013 PMC Ride Report.

Next I piled into the Thing for the "long" drive out to Playa Zoni. Even if it might rain, I wasn't going to spend my penultimate day in the guesthouse! I walked the length of the beach and around the point on the left to return to my "secret" beach: Playa Tortuga.

I spent most of the morning there. The rain held off, and the slowly-thinning overcast meant I could swim and hang on the beach without sunblock or fear of sunburn. That was the theory, anyways. The one place I burned were the parts of my feet that are normally hidden by sandal straps. The exposed parts of my feet had tanned during a summer of bike riding in Boston, but the hidden bits—which were exposed when I swam or walked barefoot on the beach—had turned a bright lobstery red.

The Thing did a fine job ascending the steeply hilly road back from Zoni, and I even saw a couple whitetail deer (wild but not native) on the way back to the guesthouse. There I took a few minutes to take photos of the vehicle, then headed into town for dinner at Zaco's, which for some unfathomable reason had been closed on Saturday night.

Well, it was closed again Sunday night, so I went home and was so frustrated about the unpredictability of island businesses that I punted on dinner again. I spent the evening packing up my shorts, my sandals, and all my snorkeling gear to mail back to Boston the following morning.

Monday, 4 November 2013

Monday was my last full day on the island. I woke up and checked the temperature in Boston: 31 degrees! Ugh.

The first order of business was to mail off my three boxes of stuff, so I took the Thing into town and popped into the Post Office. After the usual "island time" delays, my boxes full of island necessities were tagged and piled up for shipment. All that remained were the few necessities I was allowed to carry on the turboprop flight back to San Juan. I walked sadly back to my Thing.

There was no question where I was going to spend my last day on the island: at Flamenco, of course! Under a mostly cloudless sky, I walked the length of the beach to the muellecito (site of a former dock and shark pens), where I sat under a shading palm and hung out for a while. I swam a little, managing to temporarily lose the GoPro on the sandy bottom twice while trying to capture images of me swimming.

After a couple hours, a few more clouds showed up, which gave me the opportunity to move closer to the swimmable section of the beach. I found another unoccupied beachside palm tree and stowed my stuff before going out an enjoying the water. The surf was again pretty dramatic, and I had a lot of fun playing with the huge waves in the surf zone, going so far as to be thrown around and doing multiple somersaults on the bottom in a couple of a larger breakers. It was a blast! Good video, too.

Knowing it was my last beach visit, I thanked the island and the sea, and tried to burn the images into my memory. But eventually I made my way back to the parking lot, where I discovered that someone had parked Dick's white Thing two spots down from my yellow one!

I returned to the guesthouse to get everything organized for an early morning departure. I checked into my flight and went upstairs to the proprietress' apartment to cash out and print my boarding pass. I chatted with her and her husband for a while and learned why I'd had such bad luck with Zaco's: apparently that week they had changed their business days. For my first week, they had been open Wednesday through Sunday and took Monday and Tuesday off; for my second week, they were open Monday through Friday, taking the weekends off.

On the other hand, that meant Zaco's, which I had thought would be closed as usual on a Monday night, was actually open that evening, so I piled into the Thing and had a BBQ pork quesadilla for dinner, rather than a repeat of the fettucini marinara that I'd planned to cook at home.

After that, it was time to set the clock for an early wake-up and log some sleep.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

With an early flight, I woke up to the alarm and closed up shop. I piled into the Thing and drove to Dick's house, appreciating a nice sunrise and a greeting from a friendly cat. Then he drove me to the airport, where I waited around for my puddlejumper to the big island. That flight wasn't quite the white-knuckler the first one was, if only from the increased familiarity of having one such flight already under my belt.

I walked a few blocks from the tiny Isla Grande airport to San Juan's new convention center and then stepped into a Sheraton across the street. Having nearly five hours before my flight back to Boston and about $200 in $20 bills left in my travel fund, I had decided to check out the handy hotel casino.

Presumably the Sheraton hosts the city's biggest casino, which really isn't saying much. Granted it was 8:30am on a Tuesday, but there wasn't a single table game open, and the rows of slots were nearly empty. Instead of leaving some money on the table for them, I kept my cash and tapped into their guest wifi and hung around for an hour before finding a taxi to the big airport.

From there, I expected my return trip to Boston to be pretty ordinary, which it indeed was. I was happy to hop an MBTA train back to Copley, where I received an enthusiastic welcome from my diminutive roommate.

Epilogue

How did Culebra compare to my other Caribbean travels? I think the defining differences were a result of Culebra being a tiny island that has remained off the beaten tourist path. With no corporate chains, everything is a small business run by locals who know one other. That makes things interesting, but it also means they have the flexibility to open and close whenever they feel like it each day, or shut down for an entire month. In the midst of low season, that made finding food difficult. And the lack of fresh vegetables and meat began to wear on me.

This lack of development also meant there was less infrastructure. It definitely wasn't an all-inclusive luxury resort! I had to find my own entertainment, which was entirely limited to beaches and aquatic adventures.

Of course culturally Culebra is much more Puerto Rican than the Virgin Islands, which have more Black residents than Hispanic. I was certainly self-conscious about being a Gringo, but everyone was friendly, and there is a healthy American expatriate community there, as well.

Overall I enjoyed the island a lot, and it gave me a good long respite from the stresses I was under, and the opportunity to put all that back into a larger perspective. And yet in the end I was equally happy to return to the comforts of home.

Finally, I should try to encapsulate some of the topics that occupied my mind while I was hidden away from the world and completing my 50th year. Be warned: this is where things take a sharp turn from the tropical paradise travelog to our more usual moribund philosophical contemplation of ageing and death.

One might ask whether I have been satisfied with my longstanding desire to spend my birthdays alone and avoid any notice by others, and especially going to such lengths to spend this particular birthday by myself. I think the answer is a resounding yes. I'm not a fan of receiving attention for no better reason than because "it's my turn". Furthermore, for me a birthday is best spent on introspection and reflection on one's life, rather than performing obligatory social antics. So it actually pleased me that extremely few of my friends took any note of my birthday, and even those were kept one-on-one and low-key.

But if I have one regret about the trip, it was that I did not bring anyone to share this superlative experience and these memories with. That's a very deep disappointment, because I really value the connection that comes when my friends and I share our lives. But at the same time, there were benefits to being on my own: I wasn't bound by someone else's preferences and limitations, and I got to spend my time however I wanted.

Being a solid two-thirds of the way through my life, I have to admit that this trip was probably the pinnacle of my adventurousness. The extent and nature of my adventures is bound to narrow and become a bit less ambitious as I grow more risk-averse. For example, I think I'm pretty well done taking tiny turboprop flights! Although I've passed my peak strength, I should use the next few years to get as much adventuring in as I can, while I'm still fully healthy and able to do so.

Often you'll hear older folks say that although they are unable to do as much because of their physical decline, they feel as if they still had the mind of someone in their twenties. In my experience, that shows a lack of self-knowledge. I would say that in the past 20 years I have grown and matured more—both intellectually and emotionally—than any other period in my life. I've become more patient, philanthropic, supportive, and even nurturing: things that wouldn't have made sense to me when I was in my twenties. I'm much more attuned to my heart and my philosophical side, and am working to overcome the shortcomings of my adolescent upbringing. In short, as I've matured, I've gone from trying to be manly to being fatherly. That differentiation—between manly and fatherly—is incredibly important. In my opinion, many men and most feminists have lost sight of the fact that fatherliness is an integral and valuable part of male development.

In recent months, I've been inundated with one clear message about ageing. My Buddhist practice group has taken up the topic of renunciation, or actively practising how to hold things we think are important loosely and easily, since ultimately we have to let go of everything in this life, including our hopes, our desires, our relationships, and ultimately our bodies and our minds.

At the same time, my 88 year old mother—certainly no Buddhist!—has repeatedly told me the same thing, a conclusion she has come to independently: that growing old is a long and painful process of letting go of everything one holds dear.

I guess I'm gradually getting used to the idea, although it's something that's difficult for the heart to internalize.

My second day on the island, after a long, arduous hike down a rock-strewn and ridiculously overgrown stream bed, I emerged onto the sand at Resaca Beach. Remote and isolated, I knew I was probably the only person to visit it all week. As soon as I walked down to the shore, I turned around and observed my footprints in the sand: the only footprints on the entire strand.

That put me in a philosophical mood. After fifty years, many of the things I've put time and effort and my heart into have already disappeared, whether we're talking about career, personal pursuits, material acquisitions, or relationships. In fact, like my footprints on the beach, everything we do will disappear within a few short years of our passing. Ultimately, in the bigger picture, everything we as a society and a species do is just as ephemeral and with no more meaning than a few footprints in the sand.

Many people find that thought depressing, but I have always found it liberating. I don't worry about the meaning of my life, because I know that my whole existence means little more than a mayfly's. But that means that I am free to make whatever I want of my life; there are no expectations to live up to, and no one with the authority to judge my life choices.

The nature of life demands that we hold everything as loosely as our footprints, knowing that we have to let it all go much sooner than we might wish. Ageing gives us many opportunities to practice this skill as our horizons shrink and our dependence on others grows. It might not be a process any of us welcome wholeheartedly, but it is the ultimate fact of life.

Harkening back to my days of adolescent explorations around the town I grew up in, one day I rode my bicycle past a cemetery and spied a headstone with a verse that, although it turns out to be a common old New England inscription, had a great deal of impact on me:

Remember me as you pass by.
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so you shall be;
Prepare for death and follow me.

As I begin this final third of my life, these are the things I've been reflecting on. May those ideas serve you as well as they have served me.

I recently completed my sixth “sandwich” retreat at CIMC: a nine-day non-residential meditation retreat that starts with all-day sittings on Saturday and Sunday, then evening sittings all week long, followed by another weekend of all-day sittings. All told, it adds up to about 50 hours on the cushion and a lot of sleep deprivation.

First let me relate some of the odd circumstances of the retreat.

Four days before the retreat, I had just begun my regular Tuesday night sitting at CIMC when we felt an earthquake shake the building. That was interesting.

Then, two days into the retreat we began feeling the effects of Hurricane Sandy, which caused them to cancel Monday night’s sitting. It also canceled my planned trip to Foxwoods, and delayed the delivery of my new laptop for two days.

And then on Saturday, one of the cooks came in early that morning and fired up the stove and filled the building with natural gas, such that once everyone arrived at the center, the teachers chose to evacuate the building until the gas company gave an “all clear”.

So it was an interesting week. Combine all that with the usual sleep deprivation, a birthday, a doctor’s appointment, and my mother’s shoulder replacement surgery, it was pretty stressful.

padlock shackle

Another interesting bit happened when I was outside, doing walking meditation in a local park. I looked down and saw the shackle of a padlock on the ground. Someone had used bolt cutters and cut the lock. When I’m on retreat, I’m always on the lookout for stuff like this; the obvious symbolism being unlocking one’s heart. It was only later that I read the word stamped onto the shackle: HARDENED… A very nice addition to the symbolism.

I really wasn’t expecting any major revelations. After all, this was my sixth sandwich retreat, and I knew what to expect: a whole lot of sitting and walking. But I actually came back with four major insights, which I’ll share in abbreviated fashion here.

One thing I’d been kicking around before the retreat was how much of our suffering is purely a fabrication of the mind. For the most part, when we’re suffering it’s because of an image of what things were like in the past, or how they are going to be in the future. If you stop and look at your real, present-moment experience, we’re almost never actually experiencing painful circumstances. It’s all just our minds telling us how bad things will be once we get to some future time. It’s like being afraid of shadows on a scrim.

Another item. I have a longstanding story that I’m different because when I meditate, no big emotional traumas come up. But this time I suddenly remembered something that does come up for me that doesn’t bother most people: physical discomfort! But how to work with it? It didn’t seem to me like there was much wisdom to be gained in just watching your own pain…

Well, I asked Michael in my teacher interview, and he had some great observations. He agreed that relaxing into the pain was a pretty useless pursuit. He also said that one could watch one’s relationship to pain, but that too wasn’t all that fruitful.

Instead, he recommended whole-body awareness as something that he’d found useful from his Chan practice, and that was later reinforced when I talked to Narayan. So I guess I’ll be trying a little of that, although I find it a challenge not to narrow the field of attention down to a specific part of the body.

Another thing that came up during a group discussion with Michael was the idea of continuity of mindfulness. He was of the opinion that it would be freeing and effortless, while I challenged him by asserting that it would be tiring and require continuous mental effort not to get distracted.

After talking it over with Narayan, I think the difference is between concentration practice and wisdom practice. In concentration practice (samatha), one must exert effort to continually bring the mind back from any distractions to the object of concentration (usually the breath); whereas wisdom practice (vipassana) is more relaxed, focusing on accepting present-moment life as it is. The only mental effort involved in wisdom practice is in staying in the present moment by steering clear of thoughts of the past or projections and planning about the future.

So in that sense, I’ve been spending a lot of time on concentration practice, and not so much on wisdom.

One final revelation actually related to the “homework” that usually accompanies the sandwich retreat. This year we were to observe when resistance arose and how we could detect it. I was pretty interested, because I tend to be a resistant type, and that resistance manifests as frustration, which then can sometimes escalate into anger.

For me, it was pretty easy to spot, because in most instances I started swearing to myself. Once was when I learned that a package I was expecting (my new laptop) hadn’t been delivered; another was when a magnetic card reader failed to read my card on the first swipe.

The connection between the triggers I observed was immediately apparent to me. In each case, I had an expectation that something would transpire in a way that was beneficial to me, and that expectation hadn’t been met. Even though they were minor things, they were upsetting because they impacted me. In other words, it was clear that the problem was that I was living from a place where my ego was dominant.

From there, I started playing with the idea of living from a place where ego wasn’t so central, relaxing my grip on my “self” (or its grip on me). I found that really interesting. Narayan cautioned me not to take the ego as a concrete thing; by viewing it as just a passing sense of self, I could avoid setting up a futile battle royal between my “self” and myself. Good advice.

So although I didn’t expect it, I came away with a number of things to work with, so it was a surprisingly productive retreat.

Car Talk

Feb. 19th, 2010 02:28 pm
Bob Libby

Yes, I’m a cyclist and I haven’t owned a car for 15 years, but that doesn’t mean I hate cars. In fact, I was quite an automotive enthusiast for most of my childhood.

My father dragged me down to the local race tracks even when I was very young. I grew up with photos of my favorite racecar drivers adorning my bedroom. To this day I remember battles between local heroes—now enshrined in the Maine Motorsports Hall of Fame—like Homer Drew and Bob Libby at places like Beech Ridge, Oxford Plains, Wiscasset, and Unity raceways.

Richard Petty

In addition to watching NASCAR legends like Richard Petty, David Pearson, and Cale Yarborough on television, I had a whole fleet of plastic model cars that I’d built up, and a slot car track to play with. I would spend endless hours pedaling my Marx Big Wheel in counterclockwise circles around the driveway in imaginary races… wearing out at least three Big Wheels in the process!

Naturally I had the full set of racing flags: red, green, yellow, checkered, white, black, and the blue and yellow “move over” flag. I sometimes confused people driving through our neighborhood by playing race car flagman at the intersection in front of our house.

At even that young age, I didn’t think I had the cojones to be a world-class stock car driver, so I chose the next best thing. When I grew up, I wanted to be a race car mechanic. Never mind that I had no mechanical aptitude whatsoever, nor any access to cars, parts, and tools to tinker with!

Hot Rod magazine

At eight years of age, I was already an avid reader of magazines like Hot Rod, Road & Track, and Car & Driver, as well as the wonderful and memorable CarTOONs comic book.

NADA guide

My buddy John Gousse and I would dumpster dive behind the local car dealerships, picking up discarded NADA blue books so that we could study the body styles and engine options of all the current models. I could not only identify any car’s make and model on sight, but also its specific year, options package, engine size, and zero-to-sixty time.

With that kind of upbringing, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I suffer from the typical American affinity for the automobile. Growing up, one of the biggest questions in the world was what kind of car I’d own once I got my drivers license.

Well, let’s talk about that a bit, because the main point of this post is to take a look back at the family cars that I remember most vividly. The photos that follow are close approximations of the vehicle we had, although the colors were often different. A couple of the later photos are of our actual vehicles.

1961 Chevy Impala

There’s only one place to start this list. The first car I remember us having was also the one with the most character and style: my father’s 1961 Chevy Impala. Its gloss black body was in bold contrast to its fire engine red interior. But what captured my imagination were its lines: all fins, sweeping curves, V-shapes, and daggerlike arrows, with six bullet-shaped tail lights. Even the emblem carried crossed red and checkered flags! It screamed speed and class and elegance.

It also was the protagonist in one of my family’s most memorable misadventures. In the days before my brother was to get married to a girl from Texas, he and my father went to Boston’s Logan Airport to pick up the bride’s family, our future in-laws. The car’s engine had been replaced improperly, and as they drove through the Sumner Tunnel beneath Boston Harbor, thick black smoke started pouring from the tailpipe, and the car died just as they reached the end of the tunnel. Welcome to the family!

1970 Plymouth Fury

My father’s next car was a green 1970 Plymouth Fury III. The contrast with the Impala couldn’t have been starker. Big, boring, bland, and boxy, the Fury (or “Furry”, as I’d call it) was a typically sturdy but boatlike American Chrysler sedan.

What scares me is that this car actually stands out in my mind. After the Fury, my father went through three consecutive Oldsmobile Delta 88s, none of which had any personality whatsoever. They were big, comfortable, and reliable, crossing the continent numerous times, but it still makes me sad. My father must have been quite an automobile enthusiast himself, but the last four cars he owned were utterly mediocre.

1970 Datsun 510

Over his lifetime, I believe my father owned eleven cars, none of which were imports. On the other hand, five out of six of the cars my mother owned before my father’s death were imported. I vaguely remember a green Volkswagen Beetle—my mother’s second one—in the driveway of my childhood home.

But the earliest car I truly remember was a yellow 1970 Datsun 510 sedan. A very basic Japanese econo-box, at the time of the 1973 Mideast Oil Crisis, it must have been a blessing for my folks. It was nothing but a curse, however, after they sold it to my brother, who claimed it misfired, overheated, and ate oil. The Datsun mark eventually was incorporated into the Nissan brand.

1975 Chevy Vega

The Datsun was followed by my mother’s only American car and first brand new car: a 1975 Chevy Vega. It was bright red, with a black vinyl top, kind of reminiscent of that old Chevy Impala. This was the car I learned to drive on, and the car I took my license test in. My mother liked the color, and I generally liked its sporty styling; it was, after all, our first car with any character since that old Impala. Its aluminum block engine burned oil, though.

The car my mother—and therefore, I—had during high school was a white 1981 Subaru GL wagon. I nicknamed it “Ur-a-bus” for its utilitarian design and because that’s what you get when you spell Subaru backwards!

1981 Subaru GL

A grossly un-cool car for a high school student to have, it made up for it in one key way: it had a neeto space-age glowing amber dashboard with digital readouts and an overhead schematic of the car that indicated open doors. This earned it the nickname “the Starship” from my friends, who then referred to me as “the Admiral”.

The Starship accompanied me through gaming conventions, SCA events, move-ins and -outs from college, and many dates and late-night returns from girlfriends’ houses. Unfortunately, it was also the victim of my “learning experience” of causing two accidents within two weeks. In one, I rear-ended someone while driving a girlfriend to a concert; in the other, I attempted a U-turn on a busy street from a parallel parking space, and got hit from both directions. I still have a piece of paint that flaked off from one of those impacts in my scrapbook for 1983!

Despite the number of times I bounced it off other vehicles, my mother kept that Subaru until my father died, at which point she adopted my father’s habit of buying American: a mid-sized Olds, and then a Buick. Only in 2005 could I convince her to buy a Toyota Camry. It’s served her well, despite Toyota’s current recalls and troubles.

1982 Mazda GLC

Meanwhile, once I started living off-campus at school, my girlfriend Linda and I needed a car of our own. With college bills and student jobs, our choices were limited. We wound up with the used blue 1982 Mazda GLC you see at right: basically, another underpowered Japanese econo-box. My buddy Mike Dow co-signed for our car loan.

The one cool thing about the GLC—the “Glick”—was that it had a moonroof. That was tremendous! It was the car we took off in after our wedding, and our transportation for several trips to Pennsic. Along the way, we made our own air conditioning by turning canisters of compressed air upside-down and blowing the freon onto ourselves.

We used that GLC hard. We dented the driver’s side door by throwing it open without catching it. And one Christmas Eve, an entire rear wheel assembly flew off on the highway and we spent the rest of the day frantically looking for someone who would perform the repair so we could get to my parents’ for the holiday. It was a good car, but when I got my first job in the real world, it was time to splurge.

1984 Dodge Daytona

But before I get to that, I have to mention one other used car. With Linda and I both working, it became clear that we needed our own cars, and Linda found a friend who was getting rid of a maroon 1984 Dodge Daytona. It wasn’t in great shape, but it was functional, and certainly sportier than the GLC. So she drove that car for a couple years, eventually taking it in the divorce. I only mention it here because yeah, it was in a sense one of the cars I’ve owned.

But the car I bought when I joined the working world was another Mazda: the blue 1990 MX-6 GT sport sedan shown below. It was my first new car, and it too came with a moonroof—one you didn’t have to hand-crank! It was nicknamed the Toxicmobile after it’s licence tag: 869-TOX.

1990 Mazda MX-6 GT

The best part about the MX-6 was its turbocharger. After the Glick’s feeble 98 horsepower, the MX-6’s 145-hp was delightful. The only issue was its horrible turbo lag; you could literally floor it, then count four seconds before the engine suddenly kicked in. But it was a wonderful car, and I thoroughly enjoyed my daily ride to work, which concluded with a fast, downhill slalom through Westborough Office Park. Finally, a car that handled, accelerated, and just overall kicked ass!

Sadly, the Toxicmobile’s story doesn’t end well. It suffered a couple rear-enders on infamous Route 9, and had to have the whole transmission replaced. Then, when I moved into Boston proper, it sat unused for months, except for the times I had to drive it to the shop after some Red Sox fan smashed a window. It became clear that I didn’t need a car in the city, and I’d save money by renting a car whenever I needed one.

I miss the Toxicmobile a lot. As my first new car, it was a mark of success. As a sport sedan, it was just a ton of fun to drive. And it was an integral part of my life from 1989 to 1995, a period that saw my first real job, my divorce, a two-week road trip to Austin and back, a new career at Sapient, a new relationship with my first girlfriend from high school, turning 30, moving into Boston, and lots of involvement in the local music and alternative scenes.

Jeep Wrangler

But I also just miss driving. For now, I have to limit myself to enjoying the cars I rent for business and pleasure, although I rarely get to drive them very hard. I managed to scrape up a little Honda Fit econo-box on a recent work trip. And figuring out how to pilot the right-hand drive car we rented in the Caymans was a learning experience, that’s for sure! And I totally fell in love with the Jeep Wrangler we rented in St. Thomas; those things are just stupid fun!

It still amazes me that after being such a car freak as a kid, I’ve lived without a car since 1995. Fast and unique cars always seemed to be one of the great pleasures of adulthood, but now that I’m here, I find them an extremely expensive luxury. But if money weren’t an object, I know two things that would be at the top of my shopping list: a Jeep Wrangler for bouncy, sun-drenched fun, and a 263-hp Mazda Speed3 for screaming fast fun.

Mmmmm… Cars!

Frequent topics