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It’s been two years since I posted the last batch of greatest hits from the random insult generator that I wrote back in college, but the insult elves haven’t been idle!

With advances in speech synthesis and cell phones, I’ve now got insults being read aloud to me on OSX and Android, as I highlighted in this video.

On top of that, if you find this stuff amusing, you can now follow the @o_insult feed on Twitter to receive slams daily. Check it out, and hit the Follow button to get your daily fix and help spread the word!

Finally, I’ve got two years’ worth of greatest hits to share with you. But before I do… here’s one final reminder that if you like these, you can find all my insult postings from previous years here.

And without further ado, here’s our 2011-2012 vintage. Enjoy them, or may your father smell of Homer Simpson’s blister…

• Dodge demons!
• Be gnawed by Grady the Cat!
• Have a compassionately compassionate day.
• If you do not understand my atomic bomb, you will not understand my eight nightmares.
• Your homosexual toddler told me you were a tease.
• I’m sick of your wacky country!
• If you were less careless, you might be able to commit suicide…
• Don’t crack your pa with a sledgehammer!
• Look at you!
• Being a virgin runs in your family.
• Even Amstel Light vapor is smarter than you are!
• You’re too bilingual to be a citizenship teacher.
• May your pullover be infested by a porcupine.
• Your sanitation engineer says that you’ve been a shit since you were born.
• Someone knows that you selected Liza Minnelli.
• Your chiropractor posed in Fantasy & Science Fiction Magazine for the The Dungeons Of Doom Times.
• You checked your underskirt in my stepmother’s mule-drawn cart.
• You look like you thwarted the Marquis de Sade’s libidinous dissertation.
• Your chick wants you to die tonight.
• Your mother was a blind hooker, and your father smelled of a Twix bar!
• There’s an English setter in your thorax.
• You emotional bag of strawberry milk.
• Your sweetheart is a pasta woven Hatian U-boat weaver.
• You singed your sex organ in soy sauce.
• Your bathrobe is backward.
• Your grandma is an awesomely endowed paperweight!
• The Iron Chef wouldn’t sleep with you if you gave him my chef’s Bible.
• If you don’t squirt, you’ll help an urinal.
• You would squeal for my Apple laptop.
• Did you really just psychoanalyze my mama’s off-road vehicle?
• I bet you’d love to amaze a cannibal with my daughter’s fork.
• You threw your heiress’ hair.
• When you were a child you were aroused by your trouser snake.
• You have the intelligence of a football player.
• I want to make fun of your love.
• What an unpopular flasher you are!
• I found breakfast cereal in your sock.
• Well surgically modify my genes and call me a fox terrier.
• If you were less heretic, you might be a sneaky religious ritual slaughterer.
• I had no idea you were so wide.
• You living lame insult!
• Don’t be flattened by a sadist with a garbage truck!
• If you don’t like it, go innovate!
• Your burning ark smells like a shark.
• Do something antagonistic with the Bible.
• You have the intelligence of your dinnerware.
• You should admit that you’re forthright!
• A head of cauliflower is smarter than you are!
• Your mother was an Outdoor Life reader, and your father smelled of bran!
• Your favorite old man is Gene Simmons.
• Are you ghoulish, or just gay?
• Your bathrobe smells like a goose’s dreams.
• Tase The Chicago Mob!
• Be throttled by Teddy Ruxpin!
• Be chewed by Godzilla in the bellybutton.
• Your acne reminds me of white-out.
• May you go away scantily-clad and transvestite.
• You’re nothing but a misshapen marsupial spherical octopus refresher.
• I didn’t know you could Fraggle-lovingly beg to be mutated by a herd animal while watching the movie ’All Balrogs Go To Hawaii’?
• I saw you defend a Labrador retriever with Rowdy Roddy Piper at a nude female nitroglycerin and orange vomit-wrestling match.
• I used to know a rectal as John Denver stepchild of a thinking molten polystyrene-reinforced blacktop spewing grizzly bear wannabe just like you.
• Shaun Cassidy told me that you and the Holy Mother of God, whose propriety knows no bounds, were jumped upon by a bald eagle while Christ watched.
• Your sibling slept with the Ambassador to John F. Kennedy’s Hometown Pizza Hut for a video tape of the Moroccan heresy trying to duplicate a caterpillar.
• If you stop trying to kiss your decor goodbye like a lump inspector like a brain picker like a canary breeder and eat death like Willard Scott, don’t admit a firecracker.

It’s been nearly 25 years since I first got my hands on SLAM EXEC and started developing my own natural language insult generator. Since then I’ve expanded its vocabulary to 38,000 data items from 26 parts of speech.

Back in the early days, Xmastime wasn’t Xmastime unless it included a randomly-generated sick and twisted version of the Twelve Days of Xmas. You can see two examples from the early 1990s in this old blog post.

This year, to commemorate this very special time of year, I thought I’d create a 2010 vintage. So, without further ado, I present to you… Let’s all sing it together, now:

On the twelfth day of Xmas my true love sent to me:

Twelve laughers LOLing
Eleven cross-dressers strutting
Ten thugs a-sneering
Nine security chiefs conspiring
Eight brides a-kibitzing
Seven carps a-croaking
Six seals a-bleeding
FIVE ACRYLIC SURFBOARDS!
Four crooning mallards
Three Cylon panda bears
Two wicked absorbent donkeys
And a cockroach in a retirement resort.

Of course, my invisible army of insult elves aren’t idle for the other eleven months of the year! They’re always busily generating thousands of random sentences in hopes of producing something akin to Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”.

I used to save the “best” (or perhaps simply “most interesting”) examples for my heirs and posterity in a file called GRAND SLAMS. Back in 2004, I shared four dozen of my personal favorites in this blog post.

This is, of course, leading up to another instance of oversharing. Here, for your approval, is another batch of classic random insults, fresh out of the virtual oven. I hope you enjoy them.

• You superfluous male son of a feminist!
• If you don't hula, just harry He-Man.
• You have the intelligence of burrito filling.
• Tax Accountant Bear once bit my estate.
• Screw you!
• Excuse me while I go see some bum off the street perform live at Allston.
• You look like a goddess when you act like a goddess.
• I saw you be cooked by Abba with glamor and chivalrousness.
• Your beloved smells like a very unusual gorilla.
• I'm sick of your furry fur!
• You're so problematic!
• Go organize a Broadway show with Joe Namath.
• Why don't you go to Hurricane Slimy and grapple yourself.
• Don't decorate that reindeer, you art therapist!
• I bet you'd love to be gobbled by a Playboy Bunny with a handful of breath mints.
• If you don't move to Britain, you'll be infiltrated by Hilary Clinton.
• Did the doctor get fixed when you were born?
• You dress like a multiple amputee.
• Be seduced by my spaghetti sauce spewing stegosaur.
• You smell like the Barge Monster.
• Why don't you just crawl off to Armageddon and loiter.
• Ring an ambassador!
• A bumblebee is your size, but a honeybee is more your speed.
• Do something frugal with a bugle.
• Go organize the manufacturing of a waffle with Egg Smeller Bear.
• Go chew Annette Funicello's diseased femininity.
• Why don't you just go horse around with your wildest sexual fantasies at psychoanalysis!
• Go sit on my dog cart and pant.
• Your betrothed with accidental poisoning by detergent or shampoo slept with Sapient Corporation at the sacrifice of the Incredible Frenching Llama from a NyQuil refinery.
• I want to hoard your knickers.
• Have you ever seen a panda bear act like a dominatrix?
• You look like you incinerated Eddie Murphy's exuberant ass.
• Someone told me that you and Princess Diana were slaughtered by a dust mite while the Stingy Hare Krishna Stud Baby Bird Dogs watched.
• We all know that you get immunized against excessive eye-blinking regularly.
• Your mother was a lovebird, and your father smelled of some Life cereal with Raisins!
• You look savage.
• I used to know a detestable fool just like you.
• Did the doctor cringe when you were born?
• May Carl Sagan tinker with your respirator.
• Go organize Armageddon with Salman Rushdie.
• If you wallow in suspense, you'll be restored by a cassette recording of a centerfold.
• You'd put breakfast cereal in your handbag.
• Excuse me, but your Congressman's prick is stuck in my tuba.

Now we delve even further back into the archives, back to 1987, when I first got my hands on SLAM EXEC, an incredibly simplistic Mad Libs style insult generator. Well, being an industrious college student at the time, I promptly rewrote it (five times) to be the monster of all natural language insult generators, with over 35,000 data items and more than two dozen parts of speech! Here’s a small collection of some of the most interesting output it has produced…

• Your pulsing erection reminds me of a sidewinder.
• Go nibble that knish!
• Your grin reminds me of a Tasmanian devil.
• You dress like a hermaphroditic wonder.
• Go participate in foolish sex habits with Sigmund Freud!
• You make me want to be evil.
• Fertility runs in your family.
• Your sixteen foot tall hairdo reminds me of a tuba.
• You dress like a bargain hunter.
• Your cat is a zombie .
• Even John Ritter's phlegm is smarter than you are!
• If you weren't so happy, you might be hapless.
• Go sit on a dradle and rotate!
• Your undies reminds me of a missile silo.
• The average man is your friend, the average man.
• People like you belong in the inside of a trash compacter.
• Youre too much of a nipplehead for me to deal with.
• Go penetrate that pig, you big nig!
• I saw you ingest a slug with Marie Osmond at the Ice Capades.
• May you die toothless and doubting.
• Oscar the Grouch is your tennis coach.
• The Pope knows what you like to do with a centerfold's pectorals.
• Didn't you drink too much NyQuil and cross-dress on Valentine's Day?
• That bigamous Emperor Claudius knows what you like to do with Catherine the Great's protruberances.
• You're a negative zero.
• May an aardvark chew your lunch.
• If you don't like it, go evolve!
• I saw you get drunk on chloroform and be nice.
• Excuse me while I go countersink a virgin.
• You make me want to sober up.
• Go participate in full frontal nudity with David Lee Roth!
• You were gyped by your therapist.
• You slept with a sheep for a placebo., honey.
• Do something pointed with a machete.
• Pope John Paul II swaggers exultantly.
• No one sates the island of Lesbos.
• Whatever procreates deteriorates.
• Someone disturbs you; someone croaks.
• Capn Crunch rejuvenates you.
• Many blindly reproduce.
• Cookie Monster binges.
• None masturbate Jesus, closefistedly.
• The root of all evil vibrates my wainscotting.
• I saw you and Kenny Kinnikinnick, inventor of Gnip Gnop spew great green globs of greasy grimy rabid poisonous springbuck guts on Napoleon Bonaparte last week while Ray Charles watched.
• Be disheveled by Dana Hershey, who loves to watch the grand opening of the television broadcast of the graduation of the Cookie Crook, who knows no such thing as separability, whose polytheism knows no bounds from Rodan College at the elimination of the Mongolian race, you skillful would-be UNIX-lover.

And if you’re really desperate, there’s a Web-based version still around, which you can find here.