And a nonsensical meringue spewing lion in a scone tree

[ornoth]

Ladies und gentlemann…

I think I’ve mentioned before that one of my greatest achievements in college was writing a completely random natural language insult generator, with a vocabulary of thirty thousand individual parts of speech. I haven't updated the data with any new, timely elements in a long time, but you can still play with one version of it here.

Each year at Xmastime, I’d make use of the Insult generator to create a uniquely twisted version of the Twelve Days of Christmas. While this year I couldn’t do that, because I don’t have the time to waste that I used to have in college, I can at least share with you two of my favorites from the good ole days. I hope they put you in the proper mood for the holiday.

This one’s from 1991, back when my email address looked like this:

jjmhome!wonky!ornoth@lectroid.sw.stratus.com

It hasn’t lost any of its efficacy, despite aging fifteen years:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
    Twelve whiners whining
    Eleven regressers regressing
    Ten homeboys a-bellowing
    Nine midgets amassing
    Eight clients a-cringeing
    Seven Clydesdales a-hulaing
    Six apes a-brainstorming
    Five meat things
    Four streaking schnauzers
    Three inca Green Betrothal Monsters
    Two very Rubenesque gnomes
    And a very distrustful wildebeest in a cracker tree.

And this one’s the 1990 bottling:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
    Twelve eunuchs undressing
    Eleven herbivores mocking
    Ten CEOs a-drowning
    Nine ministers a-beheading
    Eight androids a-broiling
    Seven orangutans a-hanging
    Six cyclops a-pokeing
    Five cotton spoons
    Four cross-dressing donkeys
    Three Zulu cockroachs
    Two marsupial elephants
    And a vorpal monkey in a corn dog tree.