Ornoth

It’s been nearly 25 years since I first got my hands on SLAM EXEC and started developing my own natural language insult generator. Since then I’ve expanded its vocabulary to 38,000 data items from 26 parts of speech.

Back in the early days, Xmastime wasn’t Xmastime unless it included a randomly-generated sick and twisted version of the Twelve Days of Xmas. You can see two examples from the early 1990s in this old blog post.

This year, to commemorate this very special time of year, I thought I’d create a 2010 vintage. So, without further ado, I present to you… Let’s all sing it together, now:

On the twelfth day of Xmas my true love sent to me:

Twelve laughers LOLing
Eleven cross-dressers strutting
Ten thugs a-sneering
Nine security chiefs conspiring
Eight brides a-kibitzing
Seven carps a-croaking
Six seals a-bleeding
FIVE ACRYLIC SURFBOARDS!
Four crooning mallards
Three Cylon panda bears
Two wicked absorbent donkeys
And a cockroach in a retirement resort.

Of course, my invisible army of insult elves aren’t idle for the other eleven months of the year! They’re always busily generating thousands of random sentences in hopes of producing something akin to Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”.

I used to save the “best” (or perhaps simply “most interesting”) examples for my heirs and posterity in a file called GRAND SLAMS. Back in 2004, I shared four dozen of my personal favorites in this blog post.

This is, of course, leading up to another instance of oversharing. Here, for your approval, is another batch of classic random insults, fresh out of the virtual oven. I hope you enjoy them.

• You superfluous male son of a feminist!
• If you don't hula, just harry He-Man.
• You have the intelligence of burrito filling.
• Tax Accountant Bear once bit my estate.
• Screw you!
• Excuse me while I go see some bum off the street perform live at Allston.
• You look like a goddess when you act like a goddess.
• I saw you be cooked by Abba with glamor and chivalrousness.
• Your beloved smells like a very unusual gorilla.
• I'm sick of your furry fur!
• You're so problematic!
• Go organize a Broadway show with Joe Namath.
• Why don't you go to Hurricane Slimy and grapple yourself.
• Don't decorate that reindeer, you art therapist!
• I bet you'd love to be gobbled by a Playboy Bunny with a handful of breath mints.
• If you don't move to Britain, you'll be infiltrated by Hilary Clinton.
• Did the doctor get fixed when you were born?
• You dress like a multiple amputee.
• Be seduced by my spaghetti sauce spewing stegosaur.
• You smell like the Barge Monster.
• Why don't you just crawl off to Armageddon and loiter.
• Ring an ambassador!
• A bumblebee is your size, but a honeybee is more your speed.
• Do something frugal with a bugle.
• Go organize the manufacturing of a waffle with Egg Smeller Bear.
• Go chew Annette Funicello's diseased femininity.
• Why don't you just go horse around with your wildest sexual fantasies at psychoanalysis!
• Go sit on my dog cart and pant.
• Your betrothed with accidental poisoning by detergent or shampoo slept with Sapient Corporation at the sacrifice of the Incredible Frenching Llama from a NyQuil refinery.
• I want to hoard your knickers.
• Have you ever seen a panda bear act like a dominatrix?
• You look like you incinerated Eddie Murphy's exuberant ass.
• Someone told me that you and Princess Diana were slaughtered by a dust mite while the Stingy Hare Krishna Stud Baby Bird Dogs watched.
• We all know that you get immunized against excessive eye-blinking regularly.
• Your mother was a lovebird, and your father smelled of some Life cereal with Raisins!
• You look savage.
• I used to know a detestable fool just like you.
• Did the doctor cringe when you were born?
• May Carl Sagan tinker with your respirator.
• Go organize Armageddon with Salman Rushdie.
• If you wallow in suspense, you'll be restored by a cassette recording of a centerfold.
• You'd put breakfast cereal in your handbag.
• Excuse me, but your Congressman's prick is stuck in my tuba.

Ladies und gentlemann…

I think I’ve mentioned before that one of my greatest achievements in college was writing a completely random natural language insult generator, with a vocabulary of thirty thousand individual parts of speech. I haven't updated the data with any new, timely elements in a long time, but you can still play with one version of it here.

Each year at Xmastime, I’d make use of the Insult generator to create a uniquely twisted version of the Twelve Days of Christmas. While this year I couldn’t do that, because I don’t have the time to waste that I used to have in college, I can at least share with you two of my favorites from the good ole days. I hope they put you in the proper mood for the holiday.

This one’s from 1991, back when my email address looked like this:

jjmhome!wonky!ornoth@lectroid.sw.stratus.com

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
    Twelve whiners whining
    Eleven regressers regressing
    Ten homeboys a-bellowing
    Nine midgets amassing
    Eight clients a-cringeing
    Seven Clydesdales a-hulaing
    Six apes a-brainstorming
    Five meat things
    Four streaking schnauzers
    Three inca Green Betrothal Monsters
    Two very Rubenesque gnomes
    And a very distrustful wildebeest in a cracker tree.

And this one’s the 1990 bottling:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
    Twelve eunuchs undressing
    Eleven herbivores mocking
    Ten CEOs a-drowning
    Nine ministers a-beheading
    Eight androids a-broiling
    Seven orangutans a-hanging
    Six cyclops a-pokeing
    Five cotton spoons
    Four cross-dressing donkeys
    Three Zulu cockroachs
    Two marsupial elephants
    And a vorpal monkey in a corn dog tree.