Hit me with your best shot…

[ornoth]

Now we delve even further back into the archives, back to 1987, when I first got my hands on SLAM EXEC, an incredibly simplistic Mad Libs style insult generator. Well, being an industrious college student at the time, I promptly rewrote it (five times) to be the monster of all natural language insult generators, with over 35,000 data items and more than two dozen parts of speech! Here’s a small collection of some of the most interesting output it has produced…

• Your pulsing erection reminds me of a sidewinder.
• Go nibble that knish!
• Your grin reminds me of a Tasmanian devil.
• You dress like a hermaphroditic wonder.
• Go participate in foolish sex habits with Sigmund Freud!
• You make me want to be evil.
• Fertility runs in your family.
• Your sixteen foot tall hairdo reminds me of a tuba.
• You dress like a bargain hunter.
• Your cat is a zombie .
• Even John Ritter's phlegm is smarter than you are!
• If you weren't so happy, you might be hapless.
• Go sit on a dradle and rotate!
• Your undies reminds me of a missile silo.
• The average man is your friend, the average man.
• People like you belong in the inside of a trash compacter.
• Youre too much of a nipplehead for me to deal with.
• Go penetrate that pig, you big nig!
• I saw you ingest a slug with Marie Osmond at the Ice Capades.
• May you die toothless and doubting.
• Oscar the Grouch is your tennis coach.
• The Pope knows what you like to do with a centerfold's pectorals.
• Didn't you drink too much NyQuil and cross-dress on Valentine's Day?
• That bigamous Emperor Claudius knows what you like to do with Catherine the Great's protruberances.
• You're a negative zero.
• May an aardvark chew your lunch.
• If you don't like it, go evolve!
• I saw you get drunk on chloroform and be nice.
• Excuse me while I go countersink a virgin.
• You make me want to sober up.
• Go participate in full frontal nudity with David Lee Roth!
• You were gyped by your therapist.
• You slept with a sheep for a placebo., honey.
• Do something pointed with a machete.
• Pope John Paul II swaggers exultantly.
• No one sates the island of Lesbos.
• Whatever procreates deteriorates.
• Someone disturbs you; someone croaks.
• Capn Crunch rejuvenates you.
• Many blindly reproduce.
• Cookie Monster binges.
• None masturbate Jesus, closefistedly.
• The root of all evil vibrates my wainscotting.
• I saw you and Kenny Kinnikinnick, inventor of Gnip Gnop spew great green globs of greasy grimy rabid poisonous springbuck guts on Napoleon Bonaparte last week while Ray Charles watched.
• Be disheveled by Dana Hershey, who loves to watch the grand opening of the television broadcast of the graduation of the Cookie Crook, who knows no such thing as separability, whose polytheism knows no bounds from Rodan College at the elimination of the Mongolian race, you skillful would-be UNIX-lover.

And if you’re really desperate, there’s a Web-based version still around, which you can find here.