Alpha-Bitch

Feb. 4th, 2017 07:48 am

Do you remember eating Post Alpha-Bits cereal when you were a kid? I certainly do.

One thing I distinctly remember was taking a ‘D’ or an ‘M’ or a ‘P’ and nibbling the serifs off. Mind you, this was a good quarter-century before I learned what a serif was. I must have been a typographer prodigy!

Alpha-Bits cereal

Oddly, some Alpha-Bits letters come with serifs, and others do not. So is the cereal really a serif set or a sans serif? It’s unclear; or perhaps I’m expecting too much precision from Cold War era corn slurry extruding machinery.

One would hope that technological improvements over the past sixty years would allow greater precision in cereal production. We can send a man to the moon, land a probe on a comet, and ride around in automobiles that drive themselves and don’t consume gasoline; so why can’t we get Alpha-Bits in serif *or* sans serif?

Or more ambitious yet, in specific typefaces? What if Post were savvy enough to market Alpha-Bits in a Caslon edition, or a Garamond, or Futura? If they made a Helvetica cereal, would people love it or hate it? Could they introduce a fruit-flavored Frutiger? Would they be able to produce hairline strokes for a Bodoni?

But why stop there? Could we improve penmanship by feeding our kids Copperplate script? Or create a generation of refined aesthetes raised on a steady diet of Chancery and Trajan? Would kids fed Comic Sans and Exocet become a collection of morons? And let’s not forget to eat our Zapf Dingbats: a delicious part of this nutritious breakfast!

Alpha-Bits typeface editions: imagine the Impact that might have (pun very much intended)!

On the other hand, we don’t want to go too far. I suspect even Post Foods’ marketing team might shy away from trying to sell “Alpha-Bits: Akzidenz-Grotesk”.

Now let me make sure I understand this properly.

You pay over $1500 a year to have a cord strung between your house and a huge advertising company. Which connects to a huge, expensive electronic display that you paid hundreds of dollars for.

You spend all your free time passively staring at this device while it beams messages at you.

I kilt my television

Messages which you admittedly know are designed to control your behavior, written by people whose entire careers are devoted to mastering how to subconsciously influence you for the benefit of huge mega-corporations.

And you have organized your entire living space around this device, so that is the focus of your attention and the center of your life.

You have become so fully brainwashed by this device that you are compelled to devote more of your precious free time sharing the messages it delivers on social media sites, using yet another expensive electronic device you purchased.

Social media sites which are beaming tons more advertiser messages at you, all carefully custom tailored specifically to appeal to you, because you’ve given them all kinds of personal information that you somehow still think is private.

The messages from your television and computer are also one of the only topics of conversation you feel comfortable talking about with other people. You choose to create bonds of friendship with people who have been exposed to the same messages, and exert social pressure to conform on those who have not.

And you think I’m crazy for not having a television?!?

A friend recently apologized for not sharing one of my blogposts because it would have been inappropriate for some of her readers.

That surprised me. I thought it strange that someone would apologize for not sharing something with their readers. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to re-post my stuff.

I meant to say that to her, but in the moment, it came out like this: “I write to share, not to get shares.”

That off-the-cuff quip encapsulated a lot more meaning than I originally intended.

I blog for two primary reasons. Firstly, so that The Ornoth Of The Future can revisit these memories sometime later in life.

And secondly, to share my thoughts, feelings, character, and experiences with any of my friends who are interested. In that sense, I’m seeking a sincere and open connection with the awesome people I’ve met.

I don’t care about building an audience beyond that immediate circle. Nowhere in my makeup is there any desire to acquire mindshare, become an influencer, count conversions, or monetize eyeballs.

Maybe that’s why my two blogs have thrived for so long—13 years and 1,100 posts—while most other blogs die in obscurity after a feeble couple posts.

To be successful, a blogger needs to have interesting things to say, and lots of them. That’s where most blogs fall down.

Most people start blogging solely to market themselves: either to potential employers or clients or someone they could sell something to.

But readers don’t find self-promotion very engaging. To be successful, a blog needs to have lots of interesting insights to share or value to add. It must have more substance to it than just another tedious marketing channel.

It isn’t rocket surgery: your blog won’t grow a following if all it offers is shallow and monotonous self-promotion.

Fortunately for my readers, I’m not writing to impress employers or hypnotize customers, but to connect. You shouldn’t feel any obligation to give my stuff further distribution, because that’s not why I’m writing. My blog’s success isn’t tallied in impressions, click-throughs, likes, or shares.

I write to share, not to get shares!

A recent visit to the international restaurant chain Texas Roadhouse got me thinking about the evergreen topic of corporate insensitivity.

Throughout the chain, the staff are required to do a country music line dance at least once per hour they work. That’s pretty demeaning in my eyes, but secondary to something else that wigged me out even more.

And that is this: the waitstaff—who are of course being paid well below minimum wage—are required to wear tee shirts that say “I my job!”

Texas Roadhouse uniform

I haven’t known many waitpersons who truly loved their jobs. In fact, most of them were waiting tables because they were trying to keep their heads above water financially and didn’t have any other marketable skills. I can’t imagine many of them would agree with the sentiment expressed by the corporate sloganeering that Texas Roadhouse employees are forced to wear.

Aside from being an intensely new low in demeaning the working class, the thing that irks me here is the amazing myopia or hubris of a corporation that thinks it has the right to assert an individual’s personal opinion and display that opinion publicly. It’s a violation of the employee’s privacy and the separation of one’s work life from one’s personal life.

There’s no meaningful legal difference between those tee shirts and a company putting out a television commercial that shows photographs of employees claiming that they voted for a particular political party or that they support a particular political position. And it’s a very short road from there to requiring that employees look, speak, act, buy, and vote according to the corporation’s demands.

Lest you think that’s a ridiculous assertion, consider that many employers already expect that employees will promote the company’s marketing efforts in social media by using their personal Facebook and Twitter accounts.

What gets lost amidst all this corporate interference in people’s personal lives is that employment is a mutual agreement which is supposed to be in both parties’ interest, and that corporations should both ask and compensate employees for their sacrifices.

You must love your job.

In the past, we saw how the labor market changed when corporations transitioned from a lifetime employment model to employment at will. When the corporate world unilaterally decided that company loyalty to the employee was outmoded, they eventually learned that they could no longer assume they would receive the same level of employee loyalty to the company in return. In short, loyalty—like everything else in the employer-employee relationship—is a two-way street.

Now that companies are finding new ways to assert control over their employees’ personal lives, they need to realize that if the company expects to intrude on an employee’s personal life, they also need to make room for the full reality of that employee’s personal life.

Unfortunately, that’s something most companies have yet to learn. I have a friend who is a software engineer. When his company asked its staff for ideas about how employees could further promote the company, he suggested that the best way he could contribute would be to post to a company-sponsored engineering blog, where he could discuss the technical details of some of the innovative work his team had done, giving the company some free credibility in the engineering community.

Needless to say, corporate leadership didn’t want anything to do with promoting the skills and reputation of its engineering team, for fear of losing them to other employers. As a result, my friend’s willingness to promote corporate marketing efforts on his personal Facebook and Twitter accounts—as well as his overall sense of loyalty to the company—have both been correspondingly lowered. Edit: And a few months later, he left the company.

Employment is a transaction which is supposed to be equitable and of mutual benefit. The perpetual efforts of corporations to wrest every last ounce of value from their employees, usually without offering fair compensation, has impact on employee loyalty and retention that is obvious, but which most companies utterly fail to consider.

Texas Roadhouse’s requirement that waitstaff wear tee shirts that say “I my job!” doesn’t make me want to work there. In fact, quite the opposite: I’m moved to deep sympathy for their staff, who have to work in such a demeaning and humiliating environment created by their overbearing and insensitive employer.

Here is a collection of the 30 most entertaining spam subject lines I have received.

Subject: Message subject
Is it creative, post-modern, and self-referential, or is it just a spammer who's too stupid to be allowed to play with mass mail software?
Subject: Subject lines:
A bold play on our previous theme. What could the unexplained "subject lines" be? I'm agog. Really!
Subject: burp
Consumer studies have showed this to be an incredibly effective appeal for the male audience, but it might not go over so well with our female users.
Subject: Showerhead used in World Famous Resorts!
I've been to those resorts. Their showers suck.
Subject: Do you like Instant Gratification?
Our focus group shows that the American public prefer Instant Gratification over Delayed Gratification by a margin of three pecentage points (survey has a 75 percent margin of error)
Subject: Ornoth The First PC Designed For Selling Online fluorocarbon
I don't care if you're selling fluorocarbon or tortoises, I'd love to have a PC named Ornoth!
Subject: THis will not involve conception of a child
Gee, does this mean that all those other solicitations I've received ... !!!
Subject: burst her
Uh, wouldn't that be a bit unsanitary?
Subject: Debt Consolidation with a Christian Perspective!
From the same people who brought you Dalai Lama Brake Pads...
Subject: Even Christians have financial problems.
I really find that difficult to believe...
Subject: Saw YOU in church, loved what I saw.
You saw me? Honest, I was just polishing his chalice!
Subject: Some Christian Likes you
Yeah, just like puppy dogs and children.
Subject: GOD BLESS YOU AS YOU RESPOND
How can I respond, you dumb fuck? Your email address is spoofed!
Subject: Clear your catastrophe
Isn't that what CTRL-Z is for?
Subject: Defy Gravity in 15 minutes
Sounds good, but I've only got five...
Subject: Do you know what your dog is saying - Save $30
That bitch! I told her it was to be our secret!
Subject: Your kids read rite?
Better than yours, bubula.
Subject: I can wait to see you at work again.
Excellent, because I can certainly wait, too. Uh, you do know how to use this language, right?
Subject: Few chances only come once a limetime
Unfortunately, it's so true. I wish more came just once!
Subject: Re: finally drop the lbs fahrenheit
More butchered English. Pounds fahrenheit?
Subject: Are you getting your share of internt prophets
I thought I was an internt prophet!
Subject: Get you Complimentry give today
Getted me give, my think its keen.
Subject: No junk tuscan emails anymore
Oh good! I was wondering where all these pidgin English emails were coming from!
Subject: Meet REAL singles that care
But can you make me care?
Subject: fat person always feel lonely, why?
Mmmm... Bet you made some friends with this one.
Subject: Start your own franchise cheap lunatic
I am not cheap!
Subject: re: that problem with your ears
What about my ears? What???
Subject: mr. little cock, grow up ur bird with plaster
Ooh, plaster. I never thought of that! Honey!
Subject: dargon--On Live TV
That'd be really cool, especially considering Dargon is a fictional place!
Subject: Tight young hole - to Dargon!
A hole to Dargon? Wow... I didn't even know travel to fictional worlds was possible!

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