ornoth

When you lead an esoteric lifestyle, sometimes you come across something so strange that you can’t help but take note of it. In this case, I’m going to talk about a concept that is central to both Buddhism and polyamory.

This isn’t another long or heavy Buddhism post, but it does start out with one of the Brahmaviharas, Buddhism’s main virtues, which are loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. In particular, I want to talk about mudita, or sympathetic joy.

Mudita is the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people’s well-being or good fortune, rather than begrudging it. The traditional example of the mind state of mudita is the attitude of a parent observing a growing child’s accomplishments and successes. Jealousy is the “far enemy” or oppsite of mudita.

Compare that with the term “compersion”, which is commonly used in polyamorous circles. Compersion is what you experience when you take pleasure in your partner’s other relationships. It isn’t the erotic feeling of voyeurism, but the satisfaction that comes with enabling your partner’s genuine happiness. Compersion is also seen as the opposite of jealousy, which is when one feels pain as a result of a parter’s joy.

As you can see, the poly concept and the Buddhist one are essentially identical, describing a state of empathy and goodwill toward others that is otherwise completely alien to our modern culture.

I’ve repeatedly mentioned my own revelatory first experience with compersion when I was living with Ailsa, with one of the better descriptions appearing here. I find it amazing that I have been drawn, under very different circumstances, to these two completely disparate communities where the same concept is so central.

The one way that the Buddhist definition of sympathetic joy surpasses that of compersion is this: some Buddhists believe that as one cultivates and develops mudita, one becomes more secure in the abundance of one’s own inner happiness, which makes it easier to celebrate the joy of others, as well. So far, this has been true in my experience, and it will be an interesting exercise to continue to develop this trait further.

That’s all. It might not sound like much, but I just found it really surprising that these two communities with very different agendas espouse the same uncommon idea.

I suppose there’s some titillation value in the words Merriam-Webster choose to add to their dictionary each year. So this year I took the time to read the Boston Globe article that covered it.

And, of course, I also checked out the accompanying list of new words and the original Merriam-Webster list.

And there, toward the end of the list, was a word that really surprised me: polyamory.

They define it as “the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time”, which is actually a pretty reasonable definition. It captures the openness idea, which is often overlooked. The only thing I think they missed was “the capacity to…”, which would admit polyfolk who aren’t actively maintaining multiple intimate relationships.

They also list polyamorist and polyamorous, which both make sense and are commonly used. But there’s also “polyamories”, a plural, which doesn’t seem to make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me. Polyamory is an abstract noun, and as such, the plural “polyamories” makes about as much sense as “bisexualities” or “peaces” or “sanities”.

But, hey, it’s a little bit more public awareness and acceptance of the idea, which can only be good. Cujos to Merriam-Webster! Now if only LiveJournal would put it in their spelling checker…

4:52am.

It's like having just come from an incredible movie that touched you to the heart, over and over.

And no one else has ever seen it.

No one else has ever even heard of it.

And they'll never get the chance to see it.

You'll never be able to share it with anyone.

"Made mindless" and the Southern Cross.

Berg and the Nakeds.

From Ka-Ve to my wedding to the Paint Lady.

Car magazines and reading primers

Frankenstein and Philadelphia Freedom.

Corrugated fun.

Dodgeball and Seally Pond.

The Saco River and the quarry.

Garnet and Garnett.

Watching the most important person in my life dying in an ICU.

The Bentmen and Concussion Ensemble.

From group love in a Jersey suburb to a different kind of group love in a cottage on a Scottish loch.

Free Enterprise.

Disco duck and "sprots".

Frodo Lives! at the McClurg Court Theater.

Sink the buses and save the nukes.

He's an eviscerator.

Sweet, Abba, and Devo piped thru a jury-rigged speaker system.

Mosquito Mountain and the Devil's Triangle.

Miles and miles of roads and trails that no one else has ever seen.

The Klong Yaw.

Hundred thousand dollar tax bills, and one-cent bank statements.

The Great Lie, and Then Again, Maybe I Won't.

Blond. Egad.

The turn toward Race Point, and resting at the beach afterward.

The campanile of the New Old South Church.

Astoria, and the RR.

Nights at Bill's or the Pluff.

The Toxicmobile. The Glick. The Starship. The Devinci and the Plastic Bullet.

Quack and meow. I'm flabbergasted. Ay-ant! Juggo naiyo.

Fletcher Pratt. "Eh? Did you say munny?" Yes, shut up, Hal.

Playing ball against the wall of the DMV for years at a time.

Compersion, and the ten thousand and one unspoken crushes.

Suits, casual, and back to suits. Purple rugs everywhere. I think the Morale Committee should have considered that.

Pemaquid, Camden, Battie. My tree in Old Town.

The ComDisk, MJJWSMBB, and HSnet.

Mazar Balinu, Carmarade, and DAL-SYS.

Kenny Kinnikinnick, inventor of Gnip Gnop.

Silent summer drives back from girlfriends' homes.

And the Southern Cross.

This is what it's like to grow old.

I've lived my life thinking: while I'm young, I'll live it up. That way I'll have a huge collection of wonderful memories to relive when I get old, and can't do all those fun things anymore.

I guess I'm over the crest of that proverbial hill, because when I look back, I'm filled with hundreds upon hundreds of memories of my life.

I see now why old people feel isolated. It's not because they're alone; it's because they've lived an amazing, deeply touching novel that no one else will ever read.

So many people and places and events have touched my life, but no person will ever share the things I remember, the things that even today bring up deep feelings that toss me around like a toy boat toy boat toy boat.

If you've been part of my life, I owe you something I can never repay. You've honored me greatly, and no matter how small a part you played or how distant the events in question, rest assured that you have touched me, and I remember.

Though no one else can or will, I shall remember, until the end of my days. Namaste, my friend.

Think about how many times I have fallen.
Spirits are using me, larger voices callin'.
What Heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten.

Polyamorists don't want lovers with good taste...

They want lovers who taste good!

In contrast to the wonderful joy of compersion, being polyamorous isn't always fatness and light. Let me tell you now about one of the biggest frustrations of my life. It's not really about poly per se, but more a criticism of modern western society in general, which has been underscored by my being poly.

Looking back at the times when I've been most happy with my social life, the big thing that strikes me is that in every instance, a group of friends had become close enough to overcome their fears and allow us to freely express our affection for one another. Sometimes that was expressed verbally, and sometimes it took the form of physical touch: hugs, backrubs, holding hands, or more. Those have been very special, magical times for me, when I've been able to establish an intimate connection with people by telling or showing them that they are important or attractive to me, and receiving the same kind of reinforcement back.

But when I looked back over the duration of my life, those times have been brief and rare treasures. When I thought about it, I realized how very strongly and thoroughly our modern society discourages the expression of affection. We're taught from a very early age that our love must be limited to only a few prescribed channels, and we have to control others' affections if we hope to remain in their hearts. We have to jealously guard our lovers, prohibiting them from getting close to anyone else, for fear of being suddenly excluded. We also have to beware anyone who offers us affection, because it usually comes with unwanted expectations and ulterior motives. In short, in America, fear trumps love every time.

As a polyamorist, I find this situation incredibly frustrating. Every day, I meet so many wonderful, beautiful people whom I'd love to learn more about, get close to, and offer my genuine affection for, but I can't touch them or even speak to them of my attraction, for it would violate society's idea of decorum. There is an adorable and talented woman in one of my classes, whom I'm attracted to and would love to get to know; but if I so much as told her that I felt that way, it would certainly make her uncomfortable about me: fear. I am friends with a former co-worker who is both beautiful, intelligent, and insightful, and whom I admire and am attracted to; yet she once confided in me that she had totally lost her respect for another co-worker whose only fault was that he appeared to like her: fear. Another friend and I have verbally expressed our affection for one another; yet she is married, and her husband controls her ability to express any affection at all through his adolescent jealousy: fear. Another former co-worker is wonderful to be with and very attractive; yet if I told her simply that, our age difference would freak her out: fear.

How have we come to this point, where I cannot express my affection for someone, because it would cause them to fear me, or the people who also love them to fear me? We have become a society where our fear tells us that all affection must be suppressed, denied, and discouraged if it doesn't conform to a very limited list of specific authorized forms.

We live a society where all of us are lonely and virtually starved of friendship and affection. We have all made ourselves isolated and untouchable, and we refuse to allow ourselves to partake in the bounteous feast that lies right before our eyes. If we were to give up our stupid, juvenile fears, this world could be so much better. To me, as a polyamorist who is free from society's bondage to these ridiculous fear-borne restrictions on expressing affection, this seems to be the biggest tragedy of our lives. It surely isn't the way an intelligent humanity were meant to live.

I say I'm free of these fears myself, but it's only partly true. As you can see, I am still afraid of running the risk of rejection and telling those people I love or desire how I feel about them. I do believe that I am more willing to acknowledge my affections than most people, and I take pride in being much further down the road of allowing others full freedom to express their love, wherever it is directed.

I can only hope that over time I can grow more confident in my own ability to boldly approach someone and tell them forthrightly that they impress me, that I care about them, or that I am attracted to them, despite the fact that our society of fear would have me deny it. I can't change our whole world, but hopefully I can change my own world, and make it a place where affection doesn't inspire fear, but is openly accepted, celebrated, and allowed to thrive.

So I'd like to take a few minutes and tell you about one of the most transformational events in my life, and how it has played out in a recent episode from my life.

My first series of anecdotes comes from my senior year in high school, and my first real relationship. Steeped in the intensity of the conflicting emotions of adolescence, I found myself to be an intensely jealous person. I wasn't just jealous of people, but anything that received the attention or affection of my girlfriend, Ailsa.

For example, one of the popular songs when we were dating was Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger", which came out with "Rocky III". Ailsa loved it so much that whenever it came on the radio, she'd stop whatever she was doing (even if it was necking with me!), turn the volume up, and sing along at full volume. It didn't take long for me to absolutely despise that song, with a blind hatred that burned fierce and blinding.

Another of the things that she loved were irises. My mother had coincidentally planted three or four such flowers along the side of our driveway, and one day when Ailsa and I weren't doing so well I got so irritated by their reminding me of her that I pulled up all the flowers, bulbs and all, and smashed them into oblivion with a sledgehammer right in the middle of our driveway.

These certainly aren't the only such stories, but they serve to underscore how irrational, how overpowering, and how instinctive my jealousy was at that age.

Now, fast-forward twelve years, when Ailsa and I began dating a second time, and lived together for a short time. Both of us had been through marriage and divorce, and we'd begun exploring various sexual fringe groups: she'd spent some time in the lesbian community, and we were beginning to explore both BDSM and polyamory together.

As we attended various "play parties", she commanded attention from some people, and I commanded it from others. Each of us met new people and were accepted into new groups that we wouldn't have been able to enjoy if we'd operated separately. It became very apparent that we both benefitted socially when we allowed one other to make contact with other people.

Now, under these circumstances, you'd think that jealousy would be an immense problem. After all, we're talking about your primary partner being pretty explicitly affectionate with someone else, right in front of your face! However, we both realized that we'd each get our own share of attention, and that we were committed to one another in a way that was much stronger than the more casual exchanges we had with folks outside our relationship.

This really hit home for me when Ailsa developed a serious (but at the time unspoken) infatuation for another woman she knew. Knowing that I'd gotten the lion's share of attention from people outside our relationship, I knew it was only fair that I give her the green light to see where their relationship might take them. I also knew that my relationship with Ailsa wasn't threatened, so I let it go ahead. It really was a completely new frontier for me, being able to completely support my partner's interest in another person.

And once I got that far, I found myself in a position where I didn't just passively authorize their relationship, but actively put the two of them into situations that had romantic potential. Since I'd already decided that it would be okay with me that Ailsa take on another lover, that extension only made sense. And besides, it was fun!

The most powerful part of the situation, which cemented it permanently into my behavior, was the feedback I got. Because she knew it was okay with me, Ailsa was free to share the heady excitement of her new relationship with me, which was an absolutely wonderful way for me to experience positive reinforcement for the freedom and support I'd given her. Seeing the woman I loved, flush with the thrill of a new romance, was incredbily moving, and I found myself in the almost unbelievable position of supporting her relationship and not feeling even a hint of the jealousy that I otherwise would have expected.

It has been only recently that the made-up term "compersion" has appearred in polyamorous circles to describe this very unique feeling I experienced: the abundant joy of seeing someone you love falling in love. Most people (certainly virtually all monogamists) in such a situation will respond from a place of fear, selfishness, denial, resistance, and possessiveness. Taking polyamory to heart enabled me to respond in a completely different way: from a place of love, trust, support, and sharing. And what a wonderful energy I got in return! This kind of basic transformation of your relationships is why I consider polyamory a far, far more integral part of who I am than mere "passtimes" such as BDSM and bisexuality and so forth.

What this episode did was firmly establish the perspective from which I treat the people I care about. Love is not about possession or control, which is what 95 percent of people practice (even though they do not admit it); love is about making another person's happiness just as important as your own, and really acting that way.

Now let's fast-forward another seven years. After four years of dating perhaps the most wonderful woman I've ever met, I'd pretty much decided that Inna was the love of a lifetime, something I had been absolutely unable to envision after the failure of my marriage. And yet, at the same time, Inna (a monogamist) was becoming more and more convinced that I was not the person she wanted to grow old with, and that we needed to stop seeing one another in order to give her enough room to see other people. She and I had a number of long discussions about how and why she thought this outcome would make her happier in the long run. For me, coming from my world-view, that was the most important factor: her happiness.

Many of my friends wondered how I could surrender my own hopes and desires for the relationship, and support Inna's desire that we separate. I'm sure that some of them surely think that my lack of a dramatic, possessive, selfish tantrum proves that I don't really love Inna, but in fact they've got it exactly backwards. The only reason why I can give up my dreams of a life together is because I love her so much, and because her happiness is so very important to me.

Between my divorce and my relationships with Ailsa, I've developed a very simple but unique philosophy, which has been tested and, in my opinion, proven correct in my relationship with Inna. If you love someone and they want something, you have a simple choice: you can either support their desire and help them pursue what they believe will make them happy, or you can establish yourself as an obstacle between your partner and their happiness. You might even be able to get away with standing between your partner and her happiness for a period of time. But every time you do that, you will prove that her happiness is not important to you, and in the long run she will tire of your selfishness and leave you. In short, the typical monogamist tactics of jealousy and selfishness and possessiveness are self-defeating long-term strategies.

So for me, the answer is clear: always remember that "love" means valuing someone else's happiness, and always do your best to help the people you love achieve the things that will make them happy. That's how you act from a place of love, not from a place of fear.

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