Ornoth

A bitter old man won the lottery;
  his days of reckless living were gone.
Amassed the sum of fifty million dollars,
  but he had nothing to spend it on.

He said:

I want a little girl to call my own;
  don’t even care if she is ugly.
An ornament to brighten up my home:
  someone to love me for my money.

All the cash I have don’t help my failing pride;
I’ve been pretty lonely ever since my wife died.
Now it’s time to find myself a brand new bride!

Having always been a creature of habit,
  he turned to the classified page,
started browsing through the single ads
  to find a gold-digger one third his age.

He said: Now some of these don’t look that bad,
  but I know how to do this better.
Displayed his wishes in a full-page ad;
  he got a couple hundred letters.

The ad said:

I’m retired, I’m bored to tears and filthy rich.
Marry me, I’ll give you all the money you want, bitch.
You love a life of luxury, so let’s get hitched.

I want someone to love
  (someone to love me for my money).
I want someone to love
  (someone to love me for my money).
I’m a rich man and I got a nice car,
  ’cos you know I won the Lotto yesterday.

He thought his prayers had all been answered;
  the wedding day was drawing near.
A young (cut-rate?) material girl:
  she kissed him softly, whispered in his ear:

I can’t describe to you the way I feel,
  I guess that love is what you call it.
I can’t be certain that my love’s for real
  until you open up your wallet.

He said:

Don’t pretend to love me, ’cos my heart won’t bleed.
All your stinkin’ sentiment: it ain’t what I need.
I don’t want affection; I just want your greed!

I want someone to love
  (someone to love me for my money).
I want someone to love
  (someone to love me for my money).
Let’s get hitched girl, ’cos I got a nice car
  and I wanna give my money all away.

Extravagance became a necessity;
  he was always there to foot the bill.
But she really put her foot in her mouth
  when she suggested that he write his will.

He bellowed: Up til now I’ve been so kind
  and on my kindness you depended.
But I’m not gonna give you one thin dime
  if I’m not there to watch you spend it!

Ain’t you learned that nothin’ ever comes for free?
So shut your mouth, ’cos when I die I’m taking it with me.
Sprinkle all the ashes ’round a shady tree…

Gangster Fun
Someone To Love Me (For My Money)

You have just won one million dollars:

Who do you call first?

Uh, no one. Why would I want to call someone? That’s as arbitrary as asking what would be the first book I’d read or what brand of breath mints I’d use.
 

What is the first thing you buy for yourself?

A bike, a cell phone, a laptop, an Etrex Vista, a digital camera, a Reggie Miller jersey, memberships to AIGA and MassBike, potholders, a bathroom scale, the Kraftwerk TdF CD, HRM, lenses for my Rudy Project Kerosenes, a bike work stand, ornoth.com, drum pedal and throne, a mini amp, kitchen and desk floor mats, Quicken, the Seasholes book, all the stuff on my Amazon wish list, new heaters, renovate the bathroom, a closet/bureau for all my cycling gear, pay off my mortgage…
 

What is the first thing you buy for someone else?

What?
 

Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?

Shit, no. We’re only talking a million. Have you ever had a million? It really doesn’t go that far, you know… Historically, the only giving I do is for cancer research or to very close friends who are in desperate need.
 

Do you invest any? If so, how?

Well, paying off the mortgage would be the first “investment”. Whatever’s left, I’d probably diversify quite a bit. I tend to like REITs and financial stocks, with a fair amount held in money market. I’d have to think about what percentage might get tucked into a Roth; probably not much, because I’m all about liquidity.