Ornoth

Here I was, all set to post my first of these new “Memorabilia” blogpos, when this happened:

See that big black gaping hole in the toecap of my pine green Chuck Taylor sneakers? Yep, they bit it. Now let’s talk about why I care about a dirty old pair of Chucks…

Out of all the pairs of Chucks I’ve had, this was my only real custom order. Back in 2011, I used Converse’s custom sneaker configurator to build this pair up from scratch, with gunmetal grey stitching and eyelets, green highlight stripes, and a gingham patterned inner lining. But the topper was the silver embroidered “T2SP” on both outer heel panels.

The significance? It’s a reference to an old fable about a monarch who commissions a ring to make him happy in times of sadness. The ring is inscribed with the phrase “This too shall pass”… hence “T2SP”.

Although the story is Persian in origin, it echoes the central Buddhist doctrine of impermanence, anicca, one of Three Characteristics of Existence. Something well worth keeping in mind at all times!

While they were my favorite pair of sneakers for most of the past fourteen years, impermanence finally caught up with my Chucks this past week. Into the bin you go!

People really seem to appreciate my candor and openness. That’s been true for years: I was even given a company-wide Core Value Award for epitomizing Sapient’s value of Openness. And readers of this blog have told me that they admire me for my willingness to publicly share my most intimate thoughts.

So in that spirit, let’s talk about my underwear.

Every so often, when I feel it’s about time, I buy underwear. I usually buy it in big bunches, then go for quite a while before deciding it’s time to buy another batch. Buying in bulk and minimizing shipping costs is basic household efficiency, right?

Earlier this month I decided it was time, so I placed another big order. That piqued my uncannily acute sense of Ornoth curiosity, so I looked back at my previous purchases… And I discovered that the truth of being Ornoth is even more amazing than I had previously imagined!

So, I only have records of my last three underwear purchases. As I give you the details, remember that despite their similarities, these were three completely independent transactions, years apart, with absolutely no conscious or planned parallelism.

The first oddity is that all three times I spent almost exactly the same amount of money: $81, $82, or $92. I suppose that makes sense, given that I’m essentially swapping out collections of approximately equal size. That’s a little interesting, but not a shocker.

A more curious bit is that all three of those purchases were made at almost the exact same time of year: February or the first week of March. So it seems like springtime is underwear time, according to YT. Okay, that’s odd, but not exactly evidence of a vast alien conspiracy.

Finally and most interestingly, those purchases were not just at the same time of year, but the interval between the orders was always exactly six years, every time: early March 2001, February 2007, and early March 2013. Okay, so that is actually kind of surreal.

What it all adds up to is this: I’ve discovered the Hexannual Universal Internal Vernal Underwear Interval! (Say that three times fast!) This theory (which is mine, and belongs to me) you may abbreviate as the HUI-VUI.

What value does this hard-won insight have, you might ask? Well, that should be obvious.

First of all, this triumph of order and logic brings to light yet another amazing and heretofore undocumented super-power of the entity we lovingly know as Ornoth.

But more important than adding another item to the long list of miracles I’ve performed, now I can go and update my calendar and add ticklers for the next two decades of regularly-scheduled $100 underwear purchases: in March 2019, 2025, and 2031!

Oh, and speaking of my underwear, have I told you about how my medieval recreationist persona earned the nickname “Naked Man”? Well, I suppose that’s a story for another time…

Happy first 12-hour day of the year!

What's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?

That'd be a toss-up between two things. My Shimano cycling sandals (yes, complete with clipless cleats) have served me admirably for two years, including two Pan-Mass Challenge charity rides, and have probably seen about 3500 miles of use. The other is this year's Pan-Mass Challenge rider's jersey, which is pretty ugly and lacks the history, but it still means a lot to me for what it stands for.
 

What piece of clothing do you most want to acquire?

A kilt'd be nice, don't you think?
 

What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?

So many... My Cavariccis, my Concussion Ensemble tees, my Sapient S&P 500 tee, my old basketball shoes, my rubber shirt, my 1983 Billy Squier concert tee, the old DargonZine map tee (circa 1987)...
 

What piece of clothing do you look your best in?

On top, probably the baseball jersey in my "thoughtful" userpic. On bottom, probably cycling shorts. Although I suspect I probably looked good in my Veassllurd barbarian SCA costume: a fox pelt cut in half, with the fox's head and ears as a loincloth and his tail covering my backside...
 

What has been your biggest fashion accident?

Even though I'd been with the company five months, we didn't have a "boot camp" until then, so I got to go through it as a veteran. Amazingly, on the day the co-CEO was to speak to us, another new hire showed up wearing the exact same tie as I was wearing! I had to make a lunchtime trip to Sears of all places to salvage my reputation...