At Love's Limit

[ornoth]

Puggle is dying.

I brought the little guy in to the vet because for the past few weeks he seemed to be having gradually more and more difficulty breathing. No apparent pain or even much discomfort, which is good. But despite that, the vet’s diagnosis is dire: congestive heart failure.

There aren’t many options to consider. Untreated, he will die within weeks. We could drain the fluid from his chest and put him on a diuretic, which would give him short-term relief, but which isn’t a viable long-term treatment. We could undertake a lengthy, uncomfortable, and expensive sequence of aggressive treatment, with a lot of risk and little guarantee of results. Or we could euthanize him.

What seemed to me to be the most compassionate thing to do was to give him the short-term treatment, see how he responds to it, spend some quality time together, get used to the idea, and let him go when his symptoms return. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to nurse him through to the beginning of January, so that the holidays aren’t an eternal reminder of his passing.

Puggle is my first and only pet, which makes this really hard, and he’s been my constant companion for the past fourteen years. I’ve always known that this day would come, and dreaded it, because the little infestation is a very, very important part of my life. So today has without question been one of the most painful days of my life.

As anyone who knows me will attest, I’m pretty good at resorting to cold logic to subdue my emotions. I have been telling myself that everyone dies sooner or later, and he’s just a cat, after all. But the heart doesn’t agree with that, and my heart and mind seem to be taking turns speaking from the pulpit in a very heated debate taking place inside my skull.

In a way, this is a good ending, though. The diagnosis leaves little room for me to second-guess my decisions. It’s not one of those situations where he’ll need daily shots or an extensive treatment regimen for a long duration. And the Puggle doesn’t appear to be in any pain or much discomfort. So in that sense, it makes saying goodbye a lot easier.

But at the same time, he’s not in respiratory arrest, so I do get some time to say goodbye. The vet said I can feed him “anything he’ll eat”, so I’ll be picking him up some cheese curls, ice cream, bacon, and grass for his enjoyment. And because my company takes the week between Christmas and New Years off, I’ll have that whole week to spend with him, if his health permits.

That might be bad news for you, though, because I expect I’ll be posting a lot about this over the next month. The point isn’t to solicit sympathy, but just to record the things I’m going through. And to hopefully remind you that we all—cats, dogs, and humans—have a very brief time on this earth, and we should express our affection and appreciation of one another while we can, because all too soon, it will be too late.

Comments

[blowtorch-betty.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear. I'm sure you'll give him a wonderful next few weeks.

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

I really do understand how you feel and my heart aches for you. Puggle is a huge part of your life, and yes, your most-constant companion. This is a hard time, but also precious. *hugs*

[awfief.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* you have my # and my e-mail. let's do lunch or dinner.

[librarianinwa.livejournal.com]

(((Orny))) (((Puggle)))

Oy.

[imperator-mei.livejournal.com]

My rescue cat, Bela, is getting up there in age. Inevitably he's going to buy the farm, and I have that same sense of impending doom going on.

So yeah. Get some good quality kitty time in, and definitely ruminate on the fact that P's had a full life with someone that really cared for him the way he deserved. That's a good life, really, well worth the admission fee of mortality.

[rubyred660.livejournal.com]

This made me sad for you, sad for Puggle and sad for me because it reminds me that my own little fluffballs of insanity and joy aren't going to be here forever either.

Even though the little pugmeister hates the ladies...I still think he's a pretty damn cool cat.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

He's not just a cat, he's your cat. It sounds like you're making decisions for him with all the consideration he deserves. I'm sorry you're going through this. Make the most of your last weeks to hang out with him.

[ditav.livejournal.com]

I wish you and Puggle a cuddly holiday season. It is little consolation that he did not go abruptly but having a chance to get used to the real idea of his passing makes things a bit more bearable.

I do not relish the idea that our two monsters will be all too soon facing the same.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope his last days go peacefully for both of you.

[lothie.livejournal.com]

I've been dreading this for some time, knowing that Puggle must be getting old. I realize I didn't know him well, having visited you only the once since he acquired you. But it's still true that I'm going to miss him terribly, simply because I know what he means to you.

I am so sorry and I wish I could do something to help.

[jtroutman.livejournal.com]

I am sad about this. he is *such* a great cat. You are making the right choice.

And I definately know what you mean about expressing one's affection and appreciation while you can. It is funny how so many people have difficulty doing so with the humans around them that mean so much, but not with the pets. I have often thought that the animals in our lives sometimes act as "stand ins" for the humans we wish we could be petting.

Over the years, I have lost several cats, but they were either sudden deaths (cars) or cats just turned up "missing" and never returned, as sometimes happens with outdoor cats. So I have never had the experience of knowing in advance for one of the kitties. I did have the experience of having to put down our dog of 14 years, Logan, who died this past summer. But it too, was sudden -- he was fine one day, and then not the next, and then near death and in pain, and needed to be euthanized quickly. We knew he was old, and we knew it was going to happen, but it was hard when it did.

[angelovernh.livejournal.com]

I'm crying now.. because I don't want you to lose the Puggle. I felt the closeness you had with him when I was with you and I still feel it in your posts.

I'm glad you have some time to say goodbye and to spoil him rotten.

[amazednconfused.livejournal.com]

so sorry :-(

family is family, four-footed or otherwise.

-Paula