The Art of Noise

[ornoth]

After sixteen years of vipassana meditation practice, I’ve heard a sizable swath of the dhamma. So it’s not very often that I run into something new: an idea that provides an exciting ah-ha satori moment of discovery, which happened so often when the teachings were new to me. So it’s a precious surprise when I find a new nugget of wisdom.

To be fair, this particular insight derives more from Western psychotherapy than Asian Buddhism, since it comes from Rhonda, a local meditation teacher who also doubles as a therapist. But that in no way detracts from its value.

In a recent post-meditation Q&A session, we were discussing a familiar character—the person whose life is overflowing with drama, problems, and chatter—and how difficult it can be to maintain inner quietude and offer compassion to someone with that kind of frenetic energy.

Rhonda offered a little phrase that—when brought to mind—can foster a sense of compassion for the embattled drama queen: “How much noise do you need to make in order to avoid feeling what you’re feeling?”

I found that a profound and novel way of relating to someone that in my own habitual judgment I’d view as annoying or problematic.

That question cuts through all their misdirection and reminds us that—beneath all the noise—there’s probably an underlying hurt or fear that the person may not even realize is causing their discomfort.

If you think it would be beneficial and they’re ready to hear it, helping them unpack and name that emotion might let them move forward without all the unnecessary drama.

But if you do so, tread carefully and lead with compassion. After all, you're essentially dismantling their avoidant coping method and asking them to face the problem, and not everyone will be ready or willing to go there.

But either way, I think this is potentially a useful and genuine way to stay connected—rather than withdraw—from someone whose primary relationship strategy seems like a demand for sympathy.