Krayzizy Skillzez

Despite the fact that Hold ’Em is absolutely nothing like Hurt Me and the Bates Motel, the variants we always used to play, my adolescent days of hard-core poker seem to have served me well.

It’s been a long, long time since my last pokage, but last night I attended one of my buddy Jer’s friendly Hold ’Em tournaments for the first time. And it was the first time I’ve ever shot Hold ’Em with live ammo.

The result was eminently satisfactory. Early in the game Dita raped me, but I got her back in Spades after going all in to her. That kicked off a lengthy streak of righteous cards and enlightened betting. Our host, a previous tournament winner and everyone’s obvious biggest rival, was the first to go down after the cards viciously misled him down the path of self-destruction.

As the evening wore on, my big stack of chips from my early winnings slowly evaporated, but the field of eight thinned as the old and infirm were weeded out by predators. Thanks to my earlier gorge-fest, I was one of the last three standing, guaranteeing me at least a 20% cut of the pile of green. From there we disposed of Liz, our first-timer who had come to believe that each time she ate a cookie, she won a hand!

That left me to fight it out sumo-style with Jared for first. We dicked around for several hands, obviously playing merit of the cards. The One True Hand finally came to me, but apparently it had come to him, too, because *he* raised *me* before I had the chance to put the boots to him!

So I was all in; this hand would determine who walked away with 30 percent of the till, and who walked away with both 50 percent of the cash as well as bragging rights.

Since I was all in, there could be no more betting, so we revealed our hole cards and just played the rest of the hand out publicly. I had a Queen and a Ten; he showed a Queen and a Jack. So unless I pulled into something, he had the high card, my damned Queen was a cheap hoe.

Next came the flop: Nine, Ten, Four. Jared’s face dropped. Suddenly, I had two dimes and a stranglehold on the baister. Rocknacious! Now it was *his* turn to pray for a card to save him!

The turn: King. Doesn’t help either of us. But wait… that gave Jared an outside straight. Not bluddy likely, but if the final card was an Ace or an Eight, he’d win. Otherwise, the night was all mine. Figger the odds, right?

Goddamn if the river didn’t produce an Ace. Sad, but true. I was relegated to second place, and a $45 take-home. I was just one card away from walking away Optimus Prime! Schade! My butt still hurts, but it still was a fine performance for my first live Hold ’Em game. No guilt, no shame.