Fear trumps love

In contrast to the wonderful joy of compersion, being polyamorous isn't always fatness and light. Let me tell you now about one of the biggest frustrations of my life. It's not really about poly per se, but more a criticism of modern western society in general, which has been underscored by my being poly.

Looking back at the times when I've been most happy with my social life, the big thing that strikes me is that in every instance, a group of friends had become close enough to overcome their fears and allow us to freely express our affection for one another. Sometimes that was expressed verbally, and sometimes it took the form of physical touch: hugs, backrubs, holding hands, or more. Those have been very special, magical times for me, when I've been able to establish an intimate connection with people by telling or showing them that they are important or attractive to me, and receiving the same kind of reinforcement back.

But when I looked back over the duration of my life, those times have been brief and rare treasures. When I thought about it, I realized how very strongly and thoroughly our modern society discourages the expression of affection. We're taught from a very early age that our love must be limited to only a few prescribed channels, and we have to control others' affections if we hope to remain in their hearts. We have to jealously guard our lovers, prohibiting them from getting close to anyone else, for fear of being suddenly excluded. We also have to beware anyone who offers us affection, because it usually comes with unwanted expectations and ulterior motives. In short, in America, fear trumps love every time.

As a polyamorist, I find this situation incredibly frustrating. Every day, I meet so many wonderful, beautiful people whom I'd love to learn more about, get close to, and offer my genuine affection for, but I can't touch them or even speak to them of my attraction, for it would violate society's idea of decorum. There is an adorable and talented woman in one of my classes, whom I'm attracted to and would love to get to know; but if I so much as told her that I felt that way, it would certainly make her uncomfortable about me: fear. I am friends with a former co-worker who is both beautiful, intelligent, and insightful, and whom I admire and am attracted to; yet she once confided in me that she had totally lost her respect for another co-worker whose only fault was that he appeared to like her: fear. Another friend and I have verbally expressed our affection for one another; yet she is married, and her husband controls her ability to express any affection at all through his adolescent jealousy: fear. Another former co-worker is wonderful to be with and very attractive; yet if I told her simply that, our age difference would freak her out: fear.

How have we come to this point, where I cannot express my affection for someone, because it would cause them to fear me, or the people who also love them to fear me? We have become a society where our fear tells us that all affection must be suppressed, denied, and discouraged if it doesn't conform to a very limited list of specific authorized forms.

We live a society where all of us are lonely and virtually starved of friendship and affection. We have all made ourselves isolated and untouchable, and we refuse to allow ourselves to partake in the bounteous feast that lies right before our eyes. If we were to give up our stupid, juvenile fears, this world could be so much better. To me, as a polyamorist who is free from society's bondage to these ridiculous fear-borne restrictions on expressing affection, this seems to be the biggest tragedy of our lives. It surely isn't the way an intelligent humanity were meant to live.

I say I'm free of these fears myself, but it's only partly true. As you can see, I am still afraid of running the risk of rejection and telling those people I love or desire how I feel about them. I do believe that I am more willing to acknowledge my affections than most people, and I take pride in being much further down the road of allowing others full freedom to express their love, wherever it is directed.

I can only hope that over time I can grow more confident in my own ability to boldly approach someone and tell them forthrightly that they impress me, that I care about them, or that I am attracted to them, despite the fact that our society of fear would have me deny it. I can't change our whole world, but hopefully I can change my own world, and make it a place where affection doesn't inspire fear, but is openly accepted, celebrated, and allowed to thrive.

Fear is the mind-killer

If you haven't noticed, there's been one common thread in the three journal entries I posted this weekend. In the first, I described the revelation I experienced when I set my fear and jealousy aside in my first truly polyamorous relationship, and how it enabled me to act selflessly and from a place of of love rather than fear in my current relationship. In the second, I criticized our culture where women fear men and treat every man as if he were a rapist. In my most recent post, I express my frustration with the fact that we've let our fears run rampant, leaving us vainly seeking affection in a culture where expressing affection is not acceptable behavior. If you haven't gotten it by now, the common thread is that people act out of fear, not love, and allow themselves to be self-destructively controlled by their own fears. Fear rules almost everything we do.

And yet, in this modern day and age, it is entirely likely that within our lifetimes we will identify the mechanisms in the brain which control our fears. For the first time ever, we will have the opportunity to be free of our fears through medical or pharmacological means. Without fear, we would be free of our insecurities, inhibitions, possessiveness, jealousy, anger, and vindictiveness.

Imagine for a moment what a person might be like if they weren't slaves to the constant, irrepressible fear and insecurity that pervades modern life. Wouldn't it be fascinating to study someone who was immune to fear? How would they interact with the world? For me in particular, I'd love to see how they would manage in our society where fear is the base assumption we all live under. What amazing simple, selfless acts might come as second nature to such a person?

But let's not stop there. Imagine a whole community of such people. How different their society would be! But in what ways? Would everyone be able to put their jealousy aside and celebrate their love's loves as I do? Would women stop treating men like assumed criminals? Would we finally be free to express our affection for one another without inhibition, and accept others' affection for what it is, without fear? How bizarre that world would seem to us, who think that living with fear somehow makes us more "sophisticated" than those who have overcome theirs. What would our world be like if we could eradicate fear as simply and effectively as we have polio?

And would we, the lonely, fearful ones, ever have the courage to give up our comfortable, well-known fears for such an innocent, brave new world? Think about it; it's a choice you may be actually called on to make sometime in a not too distant future...