Well, I suppose I've got a few salient thoughts on the matter.
Back last July when I was diagnosed with NASH cirrhosis, that whole "mortality" thing reared its ugly head. For a month or so, lying in bet waiting to fall asleep (so my brain would shut off), dying was most of what I could think about. Well, to be honest, it wasn't dying or death, but what I'd be leaving behind, and what I'd be leaving undone. Thoughts of who was going to clean my apartment (there's stuff in here that I really don't want my family seeing), how were my friends going to get notified (I don't have anyone close by who would be close enough both to me and to my friends to make that kind of announcement - I was contemplating asking my Mom or my sister to send a prepared message to all the right places, etc ...), who was going to be able to take over my programs at work (I even started working on ultimate documentation of my career management software, and I *hate* writing documentation!!!), how was I possibly going to finish my stories!
There was sadness, aloneness, "why me?", all that normal stuff, too. In fact, I finally took the step of getting an LJ account with the thought that I'd get all angsty and maudlin here, semi-anonymously (of course, the folks on my flist are pretty much the same folks who are on the email lists I would have been all maudlin and angsty on, that I didn't want to be like that on ...).
Time passed, and information began flowing in (those six+ weeks between the diagnosis and actually seeing a doctor again, getting to ask questions, learning that it wasn't all bad news ... well, not immediately bad news), and by the time I was on LJ all of those dark thoughts were gone. I've learned more and more, and even physically improved over the last few months to the point that one could say that I'm in better shape (dead liver notwithstanding) now than I've been in 15 or even 25 years, and death is no longer looming. All of those "what am I going to do about x" thoughts are no longer at the forefront of my brain. Unfortunately, not any of those issues has been resolved, and while my eventual transplant should go fine, one can never tell. HUPs Transplant Center statistics are pretty damn good, but their survival rates on the table aren't quite 100%, and their post-transplant survival percentages are only in the 90%s .....
So, right now I'm pretty much back to mostly the same mindset that I was in 2005 (if you discount the extra meds, the low-sodium diet, the 80+ lb weight loss that really does alter one's viewpoint, and the way-back-in-the-back-of-the-brain knowledge that my liver is dead). I'm not living my life significantly differently, certainly not in any more of a "for the moment" way. I've pushed myself into writing more, shoving out almost 6 stories (I should be finishing story 6 instead of writing this) plus 2 second drafts in 2 months (nearly a record, even for me). I spend most of my "free" time in my apartment, alone. I've blown off two chances this month alone to be out among friends, two more if you count the Bi-Unity meetings that I keep meaning to start going to again. Hard to meet people stuck in here, 'specially when the security phone in the lobby can't even dial my apartment ... (there go those angsty thoughts again).
I think that one of the things that last July brought clear to me was that there is never enough time. When I started working on my documentation thing, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to finish in time. When I started churning out stories in January, one and a quarter a week, it was because I wanted to get them done and I wasn't sure I'd be able to. I don't want to leave with anything unfinished, but it is impossible to finish everything, especially when you don't know when you're leaving. If I didn't have to go to work, I could finish Thread 6 as well. Then again, I like work, I like the projects I'm working on there (even if the users are utter ingrates who don't have a fucking clue how good they have it, and think the next buzzword is going to make everything better, even if they don't know what it means), and I want to finish them, too.
What I want is enough time, and when it comes right down to it, NASH cirrhosis or not, no one has enough time. Ever.
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Date: 2007-02-28 03:25 am (UTC)Back last July when I was diagnosed with NASH cirrhosis, that whole "mortality" thing reared its ugly head. For a month or so, lying in bet waiting to fall asleep (so my brain would shut off), dying was most of what I could think about. Well, to be honest, it wasn't dying or death, but what I'd be leaving behind, and what I'd be leaving undone. Thoughts of who was going to clean my apartment (there's stuff in here that I really don't want my family seeing), how were my friends going to get notified (I don't have anyone close by who would be close enough both to me and to my friends to make that kind of announcement - I was contemplating asking my Mom or my sister to send a prepared message to all the right places, etc ...), who was going to be able to take over my programs at work (I even started working on ultimate documentation of my career management software, and I *hate* writing documentation!!!), how was I possibly going to finish my stories!
There was sadness, aloneness, "why me?", all that normal stuff, too. In fact, I finally took the step of getting an LJ account with the thought that I'd get all angsty and maudlin here, semi-anonymously (of course, the folks on my flist are pretty much the same folks who are on the email lists I would have been all maudlin and angsty on, that I didn't want to be like that on ...).
Time passed, and information began flowing in (those six+ weeks between the diagnosis and actually seeing a doctor again, getting to ask questions, learning that it wasn't all bad news ... well, not immediately bad news), and by the time I was on LJ all of those dark thoughts were gone. I've learned more and more, and even physically improved over the last few months to the point that one could say that I'm in better shape (dead liver notwithstanding) now than I've been in 15 or even 25 years, and death is no longer looming. All of those "what am I going to do about x" thoughts are no longer at the forefront of my brain. Unfortunately, not any of those issues has been resolved, and while my eventual transplant should go fine, one can never tell. HUPs Transplant Center statistics are pretty damn good, but their survival rates on the table aren't quite 100%, and their post-transplant survival percentages are only in the 90%s .....
So, right now I'm pretty much back to mostly the same mindset that I was in 2005 (if you discount the extra meds, the low-sodium diet, the 80+ lb weight loss that really does alter one's viewpoint, and the way-back-in-the-back-of-the-brain knowledge that my liver is dead). I'm not living my life significantly differently, certainly not in any more of a "for the moment" way. I've pushed myself into writing more, shoving out almost 6 stories (I should be finishing story 6 instead of writing this) plus 2 second drafts in 2 months (nearly a record, even for me). I spend most of my "free" time in my apartment, alone. I've blown off two chances this month alone to be out among friends, two more if you count the Bi-Unity meetings that I keep meaning to start going to again. Hard to meet people stuck in here, 'specially when the security phone in the lobby can't even dial my apartment ... (there go those angsty thoughts again).
I think that one of the things that last July brought clear to me was that there is never enough time. When I started working on my documentation thing, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to finish in time. When I started churning out stories in January, one and a quarter a week, it was because I wanted to get them done and I wasn't sure I'd be able to. I don't want to leave with anything unfinished, but it is impossible to finish everything, especially when you don't know when you're leaving. If I didn't have to go to work, I could finish Thread 6 as well. Then again, I like work, I like the projects I'm working on there (even if the users are utter ingrates who don't have a fucking clue how good they have it, and think the next buzzword is going to make everything better, even if they don't know what it means), and I want to finish them, too.
What I want is enough time, and when it comes right down to it, NASH cirrhosis or not, no one has enough time. Ever.