What did the doctor say was wrong with you?

[ornoth]

Here’s another puppy from the archives. Back in 1990, I was working in a medical software company, and we had huge lookup tables of all the nationally-recognized medical diagnoses (ICD9 DX Codes) and procedures. Again, I went through the list and found some medical conditions that I definitely would not want to suffer from!

ABNORMAL BOWEL SOUNDS
ACADEMIC UNDERACHIEVMENT
ACCIDENT DUE TO WEIGHTLESS ENVIRONMENT
ACCIDENT POISON-ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL
ACCIDENT POISON-COSMETICS
ACOUSTIC TRAUMA
ACQUIRED HEAD DEFORMITY NOT ELSEWHERE CLASSIFIED
ACQUIRED NOSE DEFORMITY
ADJUSTMENT OF WHEELCHAIR
ADVERSE EFFECTS OF HAIR/SCALP PREPARATION
ADVERSE EFFECTS OF PLAGUE VACCINE
ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY
ASSAULT-LETTER BOMB
ATYPICAL FACE PAIN
BIRD-FANCIERS' LUNG
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY
BURNING BEDCLOTHES
CABLE CAR ACCIDENT NOT ON RAIL
DOMESTIC WIRING ACCIDENT
ECONOMIC PROBLEM
EDUCATIONAL CIRCUMSTANCE
EMANCIPATION DISORDER
EXPLOSIVE PERSONALITY
FALL INTO HOLE
FALL INTO OTHER HOLE
FALL INTO STORM DRAIN
FOREIGN BODY IN ANUS/RECTUM
FOREIGN BODY IN NOSE
GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER, ADULT
GEOGRAPHIC TONGUE
HIGH ALTITUDE RESIDENCE
HIRSUTISM
INDETERMINATE SEX
INSTANTANEOUS DEATH
LACK OF FOOD
LASER EXPOSURE
LEGAL EXECUTION
MARITAL PROBLEMS
MEDICAL MISADVENTURE NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED
MISERY & UNHAPPINESS DISORDER
MUSHROOM WORKERS' LUNG
NO FAMILY ABLE TO CARE
NOSE ANOMALY NOT ELSEWHERE CLASSIFIED
OBESITY
ORGANIC WRITERS' CRAMP
PERSON FEIGNING ILLNESS
PUBERTY
SPACECRAFT ACCIDENT
STIFF-MAN SYNDROME
TRIGGER FINGER
UNEMPLOYMENT